Thursday, February 25, 2010

Today is one of those days...

I can't get "it" to happen.

Not sure why.

Time is like a slippery eel, evading my every grasp, and it passes and passes and I can't seem to get done what I need to get done.

I really need to get out the door. But I'm stunted--action paralysis.

I think things will feel better once I'm on the bus on my way to campus--I'll read, and center myself, and feel okay.

But getting out the door? Let's hope that several hours don't slip past me while I try to do that.

I can do this. All I have to do is go. Take one step at a time. Run, shower, drive to the park & ride. Do not get distracted. Go from one thing to the next to the next.

Snapshot into some subconscious part of my brain: "You're lying to yourself. You're just being lazy. If you chose to focus your attention, you could. It's all a matter of choice. You're living a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're talking about this right now as an excuse. This entire blog is a big, huge lie--an excuse to justify your laziness and wretched bad habits. You just want to not have to work. You hate work. You're the laziest person on earth. It's all a work-avoidance technique. If you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't have these problems. All you need to do is develop a work-ethic. Stop avoiding work. If you just made wiser choices, you would be able to get everything done. Everyone can do this. You're lying to yourself if you think you can't. You're acting like a five-year-old who needs his Mommy to push him. Get over yourself. Get a clue."

Somehow, I need the voices like that in my brain to shut up. Surely they stem from childhood, and all the messages I so often received.

I need to be nice to myself.

And I need to start this day by taking the first step.

I guess I'll go run now.

5 comments:

  1. Wow. I SO feel you about those voices. When ever I have a bad blood sugar day, all I hear is "you're just not trying hard enough. you're just making excuses so you can be lazy and apathetic about taking care of your diabetes, etc., etc."

    Like I could ever do everything perfectly everyday that a working pancreas could! Sheesh!

    Being kind to myself is one of the hardest parts of life for me. If you figure out how to get those voices to shut up, please let me know! :)

    Again, thanks for writing this blog. It helps me.

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  2. Why do we beat ourselves up so? Is it programmed in to us or are we just very conscientious people who enjoy guilt? Hmmmm?

    Anyway, let's all give ourselves credit for getting as far as we have. We are gifted, accomplished people, and darn it, other people like us! :)

    Hang in there.

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  3. Erin--thanks for such an apt comparison. That's actually really interesting because it's so easy for me to see you say that and think "Erin, you're being way too hard on yourself." But when looking in the mirror, it's not at all as apparent.

    BBQ--Absolutely true! We should definitely be nice to ourselves.

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  4. Josh, This really touched me. Your posts are so honest and unpretentious. I love reading them! Man, that voice REALLY wants to help you get out the door, doesn't it??? I wonder if it feels bad for you when other people give you a bad time, so it figures if it does it first, then they won't have a chance to...anyway...you are a great person and I feel really lucky to know you. Thanks, too, for continuing to check in on my poetry and saying things now and then. Helps my to work with those similar parts of me that want to tell me how bad my writing is! Go us for continuing on!!!!

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  5. Josh, I've recently found your blog and am in the process of reading all your posts from the beginning. This post, in particular, really touched me.
    My husband came to me a little while ago and wondered out loud if he "might have ADD". He is a Software Engineer and has been struggling at work (he looks at a computer screen all day and works on complex code. that's hard for anyone). He has a hard time focusing. At the end of the day feels worthless because he didn't get much done. He also tested high for ADD in elementary school.
    I had a bad experience with doctors who wanted to put my brother on medication for ADD back in the early 90's. My brother does not have ADHD-I, H or C. It was a battle my mom fought and it ended with 3 of the 4 of us kids being homeschooled (which I loved). But it put a bad connotation about ADHD in my mind. Since then I believed it not to be real and was used as an excuse by parents who didn't give their children the attention they needed.
    I started dating my husband and met his (now my) nephew who has ADHD-H. I learned very quickly that there are some who actually do have the disorder and need help. But I still have a hard time being understanding about it. It wasn't until I started reading your posts that I considered my husband to have the disorder.
    After reading this particular post, I was in tears. Even though he has not said these things out loud, I know my husband has thought them. I know he is a good worker and wants to do the work he has been hired for. He just has a hard time staying focused.
    I wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes and helping me understand more.

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