Wednesday, December 29, 2010

You did it! You had sex!

Christmas is a time of telling stories with family.

That's why when my family was gathered eating dinner I decided to tell the story of when my dad completely dropped the ball in teaching me about sex. And I told this story while my dad was sitting right next to me and my mom, whose innocence rivals that of nuns, was directly across from me. (Sometimes I fail to filter. This might not be shocking news.)

family toasting wine at Christmas meal

You know? I think this is the perfect time to tell you all a story about sex. And can you pass the gravy, please?

The awkwardness was palpable. My mom, thankfully, has early onset Alzheimer's so she'll likely forget the conversation. Boy am I glad she has a fatally degenerative chronic brain disease right about now! (Hold on a minute while I go weep in the corner for an hour.)

I'm back. And it's official: joking about a family tragedy while you're in it doesn't make it feel better. It was worth a try, though, right? Right.

Anyway, back to sex.

In third grade I was sitting peacefully in class not doing my work because I was too busy being distracted by counting the teeth on the zipper of my backpack or pondering the mysteries of tether ball strategy or whatever else was occupying my ADHD-I riddled childhood brain when the girl next to me, who was obnoxiously thorough in her work and made me feel dumb, got a prize from the teacher.

It was really neat. It was a bookmark. A bookmark that had some animal doing a thumbs up and saying "You did it!"

The rest of the kids at my table all snickered at the bookmark, and said "You did it, April! You had sex." April was in on it too. Everyone laughed. Hard. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they were laughing a lot so clearly it was a hilarious joke!

That's why, the very next morning while my family was reading scriptures together in a scene straight out of Little House on the Prairie except even more pure and idyllic, I thought I'd share the hilariousness of the joke I'd heard with everyone. (I repeat. No filter.) My little sister who was learning how to read finished reading a verse and my Mom, who is as pristine as the drifted snow and who I'm quite certain still had never uttered the word "sex" herself, said the fateful words: "Great job, Jenni! You did it!"

Cue The Weed: "Yeah, Jenni [who is five]! You did it! You had sex!"

I will never forget the look of horror on my mom's face after I said that. It's filed away in the same mental filing cabinet that stores me seeing a guy get hit by a motorcycle and photos of the Holocaust and every story of child abuse I've ever read and Janet Reno's picture. It was terrifying, and I had no idea what I'd done. "What did you say?" she asked in shock. And I repeated, this time with a lot less confidence, "she did it.  She had... sex?"

"We don't say that, Josh," my mom said with a new look on her face. This look said: "I have literally no idea how to react to what you, my eight-year-old son, just uttered, but I feel as though I have been molested by your words and my insides feel all gross and weird and your father will definitely, DEFINITELY be hearing about this."

Later that day I found myself sitting beside my father in his bedroom.  

Dad: So, I heard you said something interesting this morning. About sex. 

Me: Yeah... 

Dad: Don't worry--you're not in trouble. Do you know what that word means? "Sex"? 

Me: Kinda. Doesn't it mean... like, really pretty? 

Dad: Well, not exactly that.  

Me: What does it mean? 

Dad: Well, it's... something really special. And something really important...

I couldn't wait to hear what this mysterious thing--this very special, enigmatic thing called sex--was. Indeed, I was now more curious about it than about most anything else.

My father paused. I think I can pretty well imagine his inner monologue at this moment: "My son is eight years old and is asking about sex but eight is WAY too young to have sex and I cannot freaking believe he's already hearing about this crap at school because shouldn't I really just be talking to him about Nintendo games or sports or something and what if I tell him about it and he gets all curious and then goes out and tries to figure out how to DO IT and then becomes a total perverted freaky eight-year-old sex addict who grows up to be a gigolo so yeah maybe it's too early to talk about this and I wonder if he'll notice if I change the subject yeah he probably will dammit what do I do?"  

Dad: The truth is, son, I think it might be something too special to talk about when you're this young. But we will later. I promise.

Me: Oh... okay....?

Epic. Fail.

Naturally, all this conversation did was intensify my curiosity about this magical, weird and wonderful thing called "sex." What was it? Who did it pertain to? Clearly it was an action, otherwise the bookmark wouldn't have said "You did it!" But what was this activity? Did it involve food? Trampolines? Race-cars? Paint? Was there equipment involved? Was it a medical procedure? Could I do it? Did my friends who had talked to me about do it? Did my dad do it?

It was only about two weeks later when what felt like the most random conversation ever took place. I was sitting next to a kid named Brian Starkey and out of nowhere he turned to me and said, "Wanna know what happened the other day? I was walking down the street and saw a guy put his CENSORED into a girl's CENSORED." The conversation ended there. Nothing was explained. But in a fit of intuition, it hit me: THIS IS SEX!

Nobody likes uncomfortable situations, but it was clear the time had come to pull my dad aside and give him "the talk." I got home that day, walked up to him and said, "Wanna take a walk to the park?" I could tell he was nervous, but this was just something that had to happen. I'm sure he could sense that I was going to talk about something uncomfortable, but he was a growing father, and I had to talk to him about this man to man so he could grow up to be the type of dad that didn't pansy out before the sex-talk with my siblings. (Side note: it didn't work.) 

Me: I think I know what sex is. 

Dad: Oh really? What? 

Me: *repeats the story he heard in class* 

Dad: Yep. That's what sex is. 

Me: Okay then. 

Dad: Okay. 

Me: I'm really glad we had this talk. 

Dad: Me too, son. Me too.

Father and son (10-11) carrying
 fishing rods on pier

Now, if you have any questions, just come talk to me. I'm always here to listen, Daddy.

I'm going to end this post with didactic counselor advice that I might not even be able to follow when my kids grow up and if you don't want to read it, you should stop right now.

Moral #1--Talk to your kids about sex. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid to say the words penis and vagina (which I censored above because of the nature of the narrative--but really, they aren't dirty words.) Be the one to tell them what sex is. Make sure to talk about what a wonderful, beautiful thing it will be. While my dad kinda dropped the ball in this story, I must say he was really good about that last thing. As I got older and we talked more frequently about sex, he was very clear about what a good thing it was, and he was up front about terminology and he let me know that his door was always open. In crucial moments in my growing up, that really helped.

Moral #2--Even if you mess up with your kids, it doesn't mean that they'll become crazy freaky sex-crazed serial killers who sew flesh costumes out of corpses and then eat the genitals for breakfast.


The Weed's (unsolicited) Advice Column is now closed for the evening.


  1. Dying. Laughing. Seriously, earning required, the way I just inhaled my cup of tea and then had a coughing fit was seriously unladylike.

    Thank you so much for the laugh--perfectly timed for the back-to-work-after-the-holidays-blues.

  2. Sex doesn't usually have race cars but sometimes there can be equipment involved...or food...

    Thankfully you have all girls and can leave the sex talk up to Mommy ;-)

    Great post!

  3. i come from one of those holier than jesus, original gangster catholic homes where the tv channel was changed if people were even kissing.

    i'm thirty and still don't know what sex is.

  4. Josh, I am convinced now that you are certifiably crazy. Of course, being a therapist, you already knew that.

    Talking with teenagers about sex has been a part of my job from time to time so I am not shy about it. My own teenage boys wish I was. Their preference would be that I say nothing at all. "Mom, Dad already talked to us about this."

    Me: "I know, but this is too important to leave to someone else, even your as I was saying..."

    Ah, good times, LOL!

  5. @Rachel--Ha! Thanks

    @Annie--Glad I could make the transition back to work just a little easier.


    @Christine--Very astute observations! You are correct on all counts.

    @YLIDHG--So, yeah. Mormon. Pretty similar in the sheltering dpt. it sounds like. I actually worked as a grad assistant to a Christian lady who is writing a book all about the difficulties that her students in human sexuality class have had with coming to terms with sexuality after getting married when the messages they heard about sex growing up in religious homes were so negative. (Did that sentence even make sense? Oh well. Too lazy to edit). Point is: I feel ya. And you're funny.

  6. Ope, sorry @Leslie, missed you. 1. Yes. INSANE. 2. Good for you for being so proactive about it. They'll thank you later. Or perhaps be traumatized for life. Either way, you're making a difference!

  7. Hee hee! You said "sex"!

    I wonder what kind of search traffic you'll get on your blog now...

    1. well it´ll be good those people making that search to read this! ;)

  8. that is hilarious! I'm pretty sure since I only have boys I'm getting out of this conversation with my kids. At least until we have a girl. Yesss!!!

  9. HILARIOUS. My mom always talked to me about it. I don't think I had any really awkward conversations when I was younger. Now I wish I did haha

  10. @loradona--If that's all it takes to get more traffic I should have been saying sex a long time ago. Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex. (Is it working yet?)

    @that's what she--Hilarious handle, btw. I have all girls! Ding! I will thus continue in my father's footsteps of wussing out, but only because it's proper.

    @Jessica--My wife's family was the same way. Really open about it in a healthy way. I hope to do the same thing. Though I have no idea what my girls will write about if they ever start a blog... (oh yeah, how about the fact that their father is CRAZY.)

  11. That is just too funny. My parents piked out big time, I was given a book to read.

  12. So funny. As a teacher I learned a lot from this. NEVER give a bookmark or sticker to a student that says, "You did it!". Thanks for the heads up. christy :0)

  13. Well, Josh, you certainly got my attention with that title. Ha!

    Great story.


  14. My mom gave me the sex talk when I was 8 years old. She took me to a park and laid it out on the table, so to speak. She told me about the sperm and the egg and how they have to get together for a baby to form. I asked her, "Why can't the boy just take the sperm and hand it to the girl? Wouldn't that be easier?" That is how my child brain worked - easy and practical. Kind of funny. But props to her for having the talk with me.

  15. Laughed out loud several times! Loved it! Sometimes the truth hurts but it is great to laugh about it now. I love how when you click on the family picture it is titled, "a family toasts wine at Christmas". We did have sparkling cider. And how as you continue in that series of pictures there are several quite disturbing pics of Janet Reno. Coincidence?

  16. I'm a first time reader by way of a comment you posted on

    Now that I've read this post I must remember to come back and read more when time permits.

    A while back I composed what I hope was a humorous little ditty about My First Sex Lesson. I'm considering sending a copy of it to you by email if you're interested.

  17. @twilightgazing--Ha! That's an interesting way to go about it. Definitely potentially traumatizing.

    @Christy--Glad I could share such a crucial teaching tip!

    @Lorena--Haha! Yeah, I was joking around of facebook about the fact that if it drives porn-seekers to this site they will be sorely, sorely disappointed. But then start reading and never stop, of course. Blog reading always trumps sex drive, right?

    @Ashley--Go your Mom! I really like the way she handled it.

    @Dad--Thanks for being such a good sport as I drag you through the mud on the Internet. Also, thanks for what I said at the very end of the post. And also, SEROUSLY? THERE IS A PHOTO OF JANET RENO??? Complete and total coincidence. No kidding. Either that or they supply photos based on what's said in the blog... I like to think it was just total happenstance, though. Makes me feel strangely lucky, like I'm in touch with the universe.

    @Don--I would LOVE to read your story. Feel free to send it my way to joshua (dot) weed (at)gmail (dot) com.

  18. I hope that with my limited tech skills I've just sent a copy of "My First Sex Lesson" to you by email, Josh.

  19. @Don--It was successfully received and very, very funny. Thanks!

  20. What a funny story! I felt the awkwardness. Great!

  21. Your family and mine are EXACTLY the same, except for the Catholic part. And yes, it does help to joke about a family tragedy when you are in it because laughter relieves stress.

    But this is coming from someone who also doesn't have a filter. :)

  22. ok. so i laughed out loud throughout this entire thing. which means i can truly write LOL and know that it is honest. 99.9% of the time LOL is never true.

    i am kind of embarrassed to admit that your dad's inner monologue has happened to me on MULTIPLE occasions with my almost 8 year old. except i did change the subject in a fit of cowardice. i'm not saying i haven't inserted helpful information here and there but we've never sat down and had the actual TALK. honestly, it freaks me out to no end.

  23. Just discovered your blog in a random '10 minutes on the computer and I'll be productive at home on a Friday night' moment. Two hours later, I find myself laughing hysterically as your dad sidesteps the sex convo, and with your wife's celebrity crush crooning in the background.

    This. Is. AWESOME. Loving your blog.

  24. @Mel--I have definitely experienced one of those 10 minutes on the computer and then I'll be productive..." that has blossomed into hours of computer time, and I'm honored that my blog is what your time was devoted to. Thanks so much for commenting, and I'm so glad you've enjoyed it. Comments like this keep me goin'!

  25. I just discovered your blog via bloggess, and I've spend the last...20 minutes reading about, weight gain/losing, potty training, ADD, and now sex ed. What doesn't your blog have? You crack me up. This reminds me slightly of my sex education.

  26. Josh, you rival Neal A. Maxwell with your unbelievable English grammar skills. There are very few people in this world that can so beautifully and entertainingly combine words in such a magical fashion. VERY well said!! A+ in all catagories including humor!

  27. Hahahahaha!!!!!! I had such a traumatizing experience when it came to the Birds and the Bees talk.... I am a firm believer in continual conversations about sex and intimacy, throughout life, as is my husband. I don't ever want my kids to feel ashamed to ask/talk about ANY sexual subject. Heck, I feel like I'm the educator of sex to the more naive, unmarried and religious girls at my work, and in my group of friends. Sadly, their parents dropped the ball for the last 20-some-odd years..

    Thanks for posting this! Do you think that the stories of the strict LDS newly weds having rashes on their belly buttons, because they don't know what goes where, are true?

  28. I had a situation similar to this happen to me. Growing up one of my favorite movies ever was Ferris Bueller's Day Off. In the movie, his sister says "If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle", well, I was setting the table at dinner one night as a young kid, and my father acted like he was going to throw a plate at me, I said "Dad, if you throw that plate at me, you lose a testicle." That was a fun conversation afterwards, having to learn what a testicle was. My older siblings thought it was hilarious. I didn't.

  29. This made me laugh so hard because I had a similar experience when I was eight. It's crazy how well I remember it. I had heard a dirty a dirty joke from a neighbor girl and unlike you, I knew that any story wherein a man uses his own extraordinary genitals for evening wear would be upsetting to my parents. I did what had to be done and just told it straight to my five-year-old sister in the most secret of all secret places in our house: behind our bedroom door. I'm pretty sure that I also told her to never repeat it to another person as long as she lived, but she immediately ran to the living room where my dad was reading the newspaper and my mom was nearby making dinner and LOUDLY recited it.I hunkered in the hall closet to wait it out, but I got the talking-to of my life and this Mormon girl learned to never tell aforementioned sister a secret EVER again.

  30. 8 years old, 8 years old. That seems to be the trend from the comments. There's this great book, "How to Talk to your child about sex" and they say to have "the talk" when your kid is 8. It seems so young but I think there's real truth in it. Wait until later and they will already feel shame and embarrasment about the subject because they've learned all kinds of things from friends, movies, TV, and won't want to talk to you. You be the one to talk to your kids about it! Eek, my son is turning 8 in a couple months so I will have to actually do this (cause I'm a single mom). We'll see how it goes! :D
    Awesome post, my tween nieces and nephews were wondering why I was laughing so hard and I just had to say it was a post about parenting that they wouldn't care about. Their curiosity was almost as high as your own after your dad's talk!

  31. and then there's my mother who asked me the night before my wedding if i had any questions. it was the first time she ever tried to discuss sex with me. um, good effort, mom. :)

  32. My 3 year old daughter and 2 year old son know the proper terminology. My daughter knows that boys have penis'. We talk openly about our bodies and with potty training you have to. But the other day at church my daughter asked my husband if Brother So and so had a penis. I think he did a great job. His response was (something like), yes he is a boy so he has a penis but we don't talk about people's penis'. I seriously think that she has been told more about body parts then I was. My parents called them privates and (like an earlier comment) my parents either turned off the TV or made me leave the room when people on TV were kissing. My sex talk was, "If anyone touches you, tell me."

  33. I agree, eight is the age to begin the more technical aspects of the conversation. One day my son started asking questions and peppered with with more as I tried by best to answer each one. I knew I had blown it, when at the end of our l.o.n.g conversation he said "So, you're telling me the Dad pees into the Mom??" Sigh...

  34. By kindergarten I already knew about sex-what it was, and who did it. So, I was sure to open the conversation with my little girl when she got in kindergarten. I wanted her to hear it from me first.

    The conversation with your dad is so hilarious. Parents are funny. My mom told me about it at the kitchen table with my 3 older brothers standing around me, and I already knew. But she was sure to say all the words and make sure she said it. My older brothers were sure to make sure I got it, too. It was awful.

  35. lol!!! I still remember when I first found out about sex. I was in 1st or 2nd grade and I heard the kids talking about it at lunch... And it horrified me!!! I remember thinking "how can kids be so gross and make up something like that!!!its aweful!" And then I went home and told my mom the discusting the kids said at school... Then she sat me down and told me the horrific truth! And I cried, and didn't go to school the next day :) now i'm pregnant with my first child, and sex is not as scary as I thought!

    Thanks for sharing your story!!! That was hilarious!

  36. Ha I found your sight from your Club Unicorn post, which I LOVED. All your posts I've found so far are quite good.
    My mom read a little children's story book with me and one younger brother and we decided we should spare our youngest brother the awkwardness and told him ourselves.
    My Husband's philosophy is that he grew up on a farm and he figured it out on his own after his grandpa's repeated analogies along the lines of: "Keep your horse in the barn until such time as it's appropriate to take him for a brief ride, but STAY IN THE FENCE. Never let him run free or take him out to play!" Since we live on a farm, he's pretty sure our boys will figure it out on their own too... If I let them.

  37. When I was nine, we were at a family reunion at a local state park and, all of a sudden, these two dogs started just really going at it. I had never seen anything like that before and couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was they were doing OR why the grown ups were freaking out. Though both of my parents usually came up to my room at night to tuck me in, that night, only me dad came. He began, "Do you remember what those two dogs were doing today?" "Uh huh." The next words came out in a rush: "Well, that's what your mother and I did and that's how we got you and your sister. Good night, son!" After he left, I laid there in bed, wide-eyed with horror at the image of my mom on all fours in the park with my dad standing behind her going to town doing something that I still hadn't yet quite figured out. I never asked any clarifying questions and, for the next few weeks, I avoided the park at all costs. It wasn't until J.B.Hite filled in the gap two years later that I really got the picture.

    1. This might be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

    2. OMGosh, Kerry! You poor kid! While I'm laughing my head off agreeing with Anonymous, I'm really wondering how you were able to do things like pass the orange juice or watch The Brady Bunch with parents you envisioned as dogs at a park! Two years? Thank goodness for J.B.

    3. oh no...tragic!!!! (and yet I´m laughing)

    4. OMG I'm in tears all over again

  38. I 100% agree with your advice. No kiddos here, but my husband and I talk about this a lot, bc of how our own parents handled (or didn't handle) it.

    1. Me and my brother have compared notes on that same subject :)

  39. I had the first proper sex chat with my daughter recently, which culminated with me saying, "So now you know a bit about it do feel able to come to us any questions, but generally it is not something we really talk about with our friends and it's certainly not something you need to worry about at this time of your life."
    "No..." mused 8-year-old Martha, "Not for a couple of years, anyway."

  40. A cracking book on the subject for kids is "Mummy Laid an Egg" by Babette Cole. I can imagine your little Anna having great fun with that one. I'm not sure if it is available in the US but I can help you out if not.

  41. I don't know what's funnier, your story or some of the stories I'm reading in the comments. There are tears in my eyes. Seriously, I'm in the library with people looking at me like I'm crazy.

  42. My mom made me check a book out of the library (I like to say she made me check it out on my card--the horror, but I'm probably making that part up.) Anyway, it was powder blue and written in 1972 (with requisite bad line drawings) and it only covered the lady bits. I had to read it before I read anything else (bad news for a mortified reader).

    Since the blue book only covered the lady bits, I honest to goodness lived all the way to freshman biology thinking that the boy must have to pee in the girl's mouth, because that was the only liquid I could think of that would come from "down there" and that was the only hole of suitable size that I knew of that could get the goods where they needed to go. (Don't ask me where I thought the babies came out...if I had thought about it at the time, I would've been totally stumped. I at least knew that mommies didn't just crap out babies.) For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why everybody was so gung-ho about "it"--didn't sound too appealing to me. Who wants to drink urine anyway?!

  43. May I have your permission to share this with my high school child development classes. We have a unit on how to teach kids about sexuality and I think this is a great example of what not to do :)

  44. I really Love the book "How to Talk To Your Kids About Sex" by the Eyre's - which just happens to recommend 8yrs old as a great age to have that conversation. Worked beautifully with my two older daughters. My son will be 8 in October .... he somehow seems less ready but I do want to be the one to talk to him before he does hear misinformation from some other source.

  45. When I was 8--here we go again with 8--I heard the word intercourse at church. Not sure exactly why or how but it was at church. (Methodist, in those days.) Anyway, after lunch I asked my dad what it was. He did the noble thing and turned me over to my mom since I'm a girl. LOL She explained what it meant and that was all. Mechanics only, no emotions, nothing. Then when I was around 12 or 13 and got the actual "Talk" all she said was, "You know what it is and how it's done. If you do it and have a baby don't bring it home to me to raise. You're on your own if you do that." That was enough to keep me from doing it until I met my husband and knew we were going to get married because I didn't want to be thrown into the street and I knew my mother was a woman who kept her word. LOL

    Incidentally, with the raising of our son who will be 13 in a few weeks we have both had these talks with him. It's no big deal and I honestly think he gets more embarrassed by them than we do. I probably wouldn't have had as many with him as I have but since my husband works nights and the questions seem to arise at bedtime it falls to me. :)

  46. When I was 8--here we go again with 8--I heard the word intercourse at church. Not sure exactly why or how but it was at church. (Methodist, in those days.) Anyway, after lunch I asked my dad what it was. He did the noble thing and turned me over to my mom since I'm a girl. LOL She explained what it meant and that was all. Mechanics only, no emotions, nothing. Then when I was around 12 or 13 and got the actual "Talk" all she said was, "You know what it is and how it's done. If you do it and have a baby don't bring it home to me to raise. You're on your own if you do that." That was enough to keep me from doing it until I met my husband and knew we were going to get married because I didn't want to be thrown into the street and I knew my mother was a woman who kept her word. LOL

    Incidentally, with the raising of our son who will be 13 in a few weeks we have both had these talks with him. It's no big deal and I honestly think he gets more embarrassed by them than we do. I probably wouldn't have had as many with him as I have but since my husband works nights and the questions seem to arise at bedtime it falls to me. :)

  47. Okay, this is a TRUE story. My father, who is now 82 years old, grew up in a tiny farming community in the Arizona/New Mexico area. President Kimball was their stake president.

    My father's parents both died a year apart leaving 6 children who were taken in by relatives, all but for my 17 year old father. He stayed on the farm for a few months and then eventually moved in with his aunt. Aunt Fern noted that boys who had gone to college were a little more 'polished' as missionaries. So this farm boy did just that.

    Dad went to BYU for a semester. The day came when he decided he was ready to go on a mission. He got onto a Provo bus and made it to the Church's headquarters before lunch time. He walked in, asked to see Elder Kimball and mentioned the name of his deceased parents and their affiliation.

    He waited, a long time. Elder Kimball came, asked about his family. Dad explained why he was there so Elder Kimball spent his lunchtime interviewing my father for his mission. Things progressed well until it was evident that he did not understand what President Kimball meant by 'morally clean'.

    They had a very long visit. When Dad left SLC he was ready for his mission call. He also left with a little more understanding about life.

    So, yes, my Dad learned about the 'birds and the bees' from a prophet!

    Intrepid soul that he is, he served his mission in the NW United States and while in the Bellevue. Washington area, decided that the area should be dedicated to the preaching of the gospel. So he and his companion did just that.

    There is now a temple in Bellevue, Washington.

    What a dad!

  48. Love the comments! My mom tried to give me the talk, and I kinda got it. But just before seventh grade, I had that moment when everything clicks and you're horrified by the new knowledge that just flooded your brain. (Fortunately, sex ed wasn't until 7th grade in my area.)

  49. My mom swears she gave me "the talk" but I'm pretty sure I heard everything from Andrew Sandavol during Spanish class!

  50. I had absolute tears reading this. I had to stop several times I was laughing so hard. Must go now to share with my friends.

  51. Love this post. And love the comments. My mom was (is) a nurse, and she and my dad decided that they were going to be very open and honest with me - their first child - about bodies and how they work. This resulted in a two-year-old who, when I fell down on my rear in a store, loudly hollered for all to hear, "Oh Mommy! I fell on my anus!" It got more interesting from there. In the 80's, when AIDS was still a new thing, she had worked as a nurse at a hospital in the San Francisco area. So she wanted to make sure that I (and my friends, as it turned out) knew how to protect ourselves. We were horrified. Or, I was. My friends thought I had the coolest mom ever. In retrospect, I think that now too. But one more story: Before my wedding, my co-workers held a shower for me - a lingerie shower. My mom was invited. She gave me a very pretty pegnoir, but the kicker was the wrapping. She had fashioned a "bow" out of a pair of plastic handcuffs. When I realized what it was, she smiled sweetly and said, "I just want you to remember to have fun!" I did and still do! I am consoled in the fact that I am not the only child to get the Mom treatment on sex. When my youngest sister married two years ago, we had a shower for her & her fiance where our entire extended family was in attendance. Mom's gift? An edible bra made out of the stuff they make candy necklaces & bracelets out of. I have a photo of my now-brother-in-law holding that thing up with a big old smile on his face, and my sister holding her head in her hands. Ahhh. The tradition continues. I can hardly wait until the grandchildren start getting married.

  52. My mom watched my 8-year-old self find a picture book about how flowers procreate, than dogs, then humans. It taught me a lot. It was horrifying and hilarious. She assumed it taught me enough, and, feeling relieved, never brought up the topic to me. I grew, and found more books at the public library and then came the internet to learn about things I heard on the school bus. It's quite the education, but I don't think I'll take the same approach to my kids. ;)

  53. Oh my goodness. Cannot stop laughing!

  54. so funny! this one made me laugh out loud, which brought my kids running, which made me have to hide the screen...

    i've just read through the first year of your blog in 2 days while pumping breastmilk for my new baby. much better use of my time than watching shows and random internet surfing. i like your blog because it makes me think about my life and relationships. i found the ADD posts especially helpful and informative. looking forward to reading the next year's worth of posts :)