Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thoughts on childbirth (Take 2)

Disclaimer: if you are a woman who has ever contemplated giving birth, or who might contemplate giving birth in the future, or who has ever even remotely thought that maybe someday, at some point she MIGHT like to birth a child, or who knows for certain that she does not want children but still harbors a 1% chance of wanting to give birth before she dies READ THIS POST AT YOUR OWN RISK BECAUSE I GET ALL KINDS OF REAL UP IN HERE. <--caveat posted at the recommendation of Wife

You have been warned.
I feel the need to clarify my actual thoughts on this topic since my satire wasn't obvious enough in this post. I will do so through a sequence of scenarios.

Scenario 1:

Two people are in a sterile hospital room. Both of them feel tense. One of them feels tense because he just rushed in from a meeting. His child is about to be born. He feels nervous, unsettled and a little bit excited. He doesn't know what to expect, and he feels anxiety and hopes all will go well. The other feels tense because she has an IV pumping fluids into her arm, a heart monitor on her self and up inside her junk attached to the human being living there, and has a constant barrage of nurses, doctors and other people messing around with the most sensitive part of her body in preparation for a human being to come out of her vagina if she's lucky enough not to need to have it ripped out of her through an incision to her stomach muscles that will leave her unable to move without pain for weeks.

Which one of these two individuals deserves the remote control to the bed/TV?

Scenario 2:

Two people are in a room. One of them has to stand and give somebody moral support. The other has her feet in stirrups and has to deal with the terror that is coursing through her at that thought that her body is about to be racked with unspeakable pain by yet another contraction of her uterus as it is wrenched open to allow her to push a human being out of her vagina.. This pain happens every several minutes, and is so intense it makes her scream in agony, throw up, and weep.

Which one of these people deserves to be lying down in a bed?

Scenario 3:

Two people are in a room. One of them had to hold his wife's hand for several hours and whisper supportive words. The other one had the most sensitive skin on her body ripped to shreds as a human head and shoulders wormed its way through an orifice normally the size of a quarter, and then had this skin sewn back together with (women, don't look if you don't want to be horrified. I'm not joking) this while using a local anesthetic.

Which of these people deserves to look at a menu, point to some food in exhaustion, and have it brought to her without having to pay for it?

Scenario 4: 

Two people are in a room. One of them is bleeding blood clots the size of plums into an adult diaper while she tries to get a 3-hour-old baby to effectively suck liquid out of her nipple so that it doesn't die. The other is napping lazily on the couch in the room, congratulating himself on a job well done.

Which of these people deserves coddling?

Something to think about...

PS--as Wife was proofreading this post for me (and giving it her hearty stamp of approval as a woman) we had the following short exchange:

Wife: Hey, you have a typo here.

Me: What is it?

Wife: You have two periods after this vagina

Me: (confused) Wait... oh, you mean the typographical period. Gotcha.

And not joking, just this second as she read the Post Script

Wife: You need a colon. And also you need a period after that vagina. (I've left period typos so you can see which vaginae (I had no IDEA vaginae wasn't vaginas--thank you spell check) the periods came from. Bah!)

Oh, and have you entered the contest to win a $25 gift card to The Cheesecake Factory and a vibrator? Because, nothing says "Thanks for reading my blog" like a vibrator...

The Little Thumper greets you.

As does the gift card. They both crave to be yours.

Click here to enter.

Bye now.


  1. I love that you specifically warned the women who read your blog to not look, lest they be horrified by the sight of a sewing needle. :)

  2. @Tamsin--Um, If that's a sewing needle, I want no part in sewing EVER. I caught a glimpse of the doctor doing sutures at the birth of Tessa and was like WHAT KIND OF SPRIALED TORTURE DEVICE ARE YOU IMPALING MY WIFE'S PRIVATES WITH???? I'm still traumatized. Just makin' sure that if someone wasn't aware of what was going down down there post-delivery I wasn't the bearer of bad news... I'm all about service here.

  3. I cant believe your wife put you through that torture 3 times. Shame.

    What a beautiful family.

  4. OMG, please, please, please bring the satire back. I'm sitting here reading this with my legs crossed. Oh and warnings, warnings are only there to make sure women do go and have a look (yes due to our nosey nature we are sure to look), my legs are crossed even more now :)

    Not only has Little Thumper been mentioned in my blog, he has been mentioned 3 times in comments so far, oh and I've also been grounded because of entering the giveaway, extra points please :).

    On a serious note, your family is gorgeous, thank you for sharing.

  5. GAHHHH! the curious-slash-loco side of me took over and i clicked on the link.

    guess who will never have kids now. thanks for that.

  6. Josh - love this post. The sad thing is, some husbands really do think they deserve to sleep, eat, and watch whatever they want while the women go through all the torture. I chose not to click on the link - I felt them sewing me up and it was SOOO painful and if Jaxon wants a sibling, I better not look and try to forget all of that! :) But this post insures at least another year without any kids for us! ;) Dan will be happy! haha

  7. I appreciated the disclaimer. Maybe I should have read this 2.5 years ago...
    You make some very valid points, in favor of us women, so thank you; even if reading this post was in fact more vivid and gruesome than actually having gone through it myself.
    So funny! (sort of)

  8. Yep, that pretty much sums up childbirth (IF your water doesn't break in the lobby of the birth center and IF they get your IV in right the first time and have to try two more times and IF your epidural doesn't run out before you actually give birth and IF they properly numb your sensitive area before stitching it up). But man is it incredible. Btw, I did not click on your link. I am afraid I would be too scared to ever get pregnant again.

  9. @Mynx--Thanks! I love'm.

    @twighlightgazing--Haha, just focus on the earlier post. And breeeath deeeeeply. Don't worry, it's also really, really, really beautiful. I just got really super clinical there to prove a point. (Though I don't really know what I'm talking about here as a guy so WHY DO I KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT?)

    @YLIDHG--Your nether-regions thank me. Your future unborn children curse me. You win some you lose some, I suppose...

    @becca--aww, thanks ;-)

    @Lisa--good for you for not clicking! I am seriously contemplating taking it out altogether. I mean, it's what they use for all surgeries, so we'll probably all face it someday, but... *shudder*

    @Crystal--isn't rhetoric and the English language amazing? This is why I love writing. I actually take it as a serious complement that you found it more vivid and gruesome than the real thing. So, thanks for that!

    @Ashley--Haha! Geeeeeez. No fun. But your right, the aftermath is so incredible and worth it. And also, WAY TO NOT CLICK THE LINK. Good work. Why do I have that up there if I keep congratulating everyone for not clicking on it??? (thinky face) Oh yeah. Shock value. For dudes. All three of them who read this. (Whassup guys?)

  10. Seriously, the whole area is pretty numb after all the activity - I seem to remember the local anesthetic being plenty effective at the time. Certainly not one of the uncomfortable parts of the process given I had no pain relief for the birth itself!

    But then I was lucky enough to be one of those 'natural birth' gals. Definitely no stirrups or IV tubes or heartrate monitors. Your wife sounds like a champion to go through that. I moved around throughout labour and gave birth in a kneeling upright position.

    I think in many cases women are high on endorphins/adrenalin and whatever other natural sedatives the body can produce to get us through the experience, and sometimes the actual details are a bit blurry when looking back. And thank goodness for that, otherwise many of us would never want to have more than one child! The guys on the other hand have to live with the trauma of total recall. Heh heh heh.

  11. That link, the needle, is not at all surprising to me, inexperienced with the logistics of childbirth.

    But then again, I've also had my belly button pierced, and the needle is VERY similar looking. Did you know that piercing needles for naval rings are hollow? They are designed to carve out skin, not just pierce it.

    Interesting fact.

  12. ALL men should read this before their wives give birth. They might GET it...well, some might... maybe.

    My neighbors hear me laughing hysterically periodically over my friends' blogs...yours is one of them.

    Thank you. I needed this tonight.

    Barbara Huff

  13. I didn't realize I would have to be sewn back together after giving birth...I'm seriously rethinking this childbirth thing...

    Also, I have a request. If someone else wins the giveaway and they don't want the Little Thumper, can I have it? I think I could give it a nice home if the real winner doesn't want it :-)

  14. Just so you know, regarding scenario 2--it's normally smaller than a quarter, hence the reason some women experience discomfort during intercourse. (Always ready to add to the TMI--that's me!)

  15. First, I said "your" instead of "you're" somewhere above and that bugs. Thankfully, there are no grammar police.

    Aaaand responses to more awesome comments:

    @Adina--Very true, there are definitely some amazing components of the experience that I've kind of ignored here. For instance the immediate and overpowering love you feel for that little baby the instant you see her (or him). Parenthood is amazing, and it's worth the sacrifices (which, once again, is really easy for me to say not having to compromise my own orifices in the process!)

    @Catherine--I seriously had no idea! Kind of nasty.

    @Barb--Aw, thanks! I appreciate knowing that you've chuckled a time or two reading The Weed.

    @Christine--1. Don't rethink it. GO FOR IT. It's amazing. But def. go in prepared. (Whatever that means?) 2. I'll totally do a second drawing if that happens, so wanting it ups your chances for sure!

    @samantha--I KNEW it. I had a nickel at first (which I thought might be a little ambitious) but Wife told me to change it to a quarter. I think she was concerned saying it was small would imply something incorrect about the size of my own manhood or something? (Just perpetuating the TMI here... it's the gift that keeps on giving!)

  16. rotfl - I think the comments on this one may actually be funnier than the post itself.

  17. Seriously, bring back the satire! I liked that waaaaaaaaaaaay better! Curiosity got the better of me (what did you expect with those warnings?) and the childbearing calendar just shifted back another few years!

  18. Perfect! I've never even contemplated giving birth so now I know why!

  19. @Chrissy--I think you are absolutely right!

    @Amie--Oh man! This was not my intent!

    @Jules--You kinda just broke my heart, yo. Having kids is amazing. And really hard. But amazing.

    Yet, at the same time, glad I could be of service!

  20. Ummmm, you didn't answer the questions, in the post. I'm assuming that the dad/husband is the winner on each one..?

    Kinda like when the wife says, "next week I'll sit in the car and honk the horn while you dress the kids"

  21. Yes, totally blog-stalking you now. And I must say... I am so glad I have already had my daughter. And I am glad I am the last person to post on here (hopefully), because if any other woman who HAS gone through childbirth reads this, they may hunt me down and kill me. Not joking.
    That being said.. childbirth, for me, was super easy. (Are they coming with the pitchforks and torches yet??) I was induced on a Tuesday morning, around 9 am. (Induction after MANY attempts to start the labor myself for the previous 3 weeks, trying EVERY recommendation made to me to start the labor early, from walking around while drinking some strawberry flavored green tea CRAP, to drinking castor oil with my orange juice (which did, in fact, induce a FALSE labor, imagine my disappointment for that going in to the hospital, TWICE). Yes, I am sure a lot of women go through that part, and it wasn't that bad. Annoying, but not bad. Tuesday morning, starting to feel contractions, start to get a bit intense, and voila! I am ready for the epidural. They put it in (it will feel like a bee sting. What will? Wait, that?? The bee sting I had in 1st grade hurt more than that did!) Now, I knew I wanted the drugs (sounds bad, yes). I was good with it. So when they said I could push the button when it started to get bad, I did. And... I pushed it 4 times over the course of the next 4 or 5 hours. And just kinda sat there. And then they asked if I needed more. Um, yeah! So, they do a direct shot. And I am numb from the chin down. Which was AWESOME.
    I like to think I have great willpower. If Jedi's were real, I would be AWESOME at it. Example:
    Nurse: let's try a few practice pushes.
    Me: Ok. (In my mind, I make my body push, although I can't feel a thing.) Am I pushing??
    Nurse: Stop! I can see her head. Let me go get the doctor.
    Me: Umm.... oops?

    A push and a half later, my beautiful daughter is born. And after an hour of being able to hold her, they prep me to move upstairs. I am told to sit up, slowly. So I sit up fast. Feel fine. Told to stand up, and turn around in baby steps, slowly, and lower down into the wheelchair. Slowly. Me? Stand up not so slowly, take exaggerated baby steps, chanting "baby steps, baby steps," and sit down. Everyone else int he room: Dumbfounded looks. This does include my sister and cousin, who have both gone through childbirth before. And who are now both giving me murderous looks.

    The "Did I do something wrong?" phase ends quickly, as they proceed to tell me they couldn't move for hours. And I. Am. Fine.

    The mob is coming. Gotta go!