Friday, February 18, 2011

Fart jokes are funny... right? RIGHT?

Sometimes I get confused about what is funny. This is not a helpful predicament for a "humor" blog.

The other night I was resting on the couch typing a post and I was so tired I was falling asleep as I typed. I ended up typing some really random things pertaining to the dreams I was having, which, admittedly is kind of cool and a fun psychological experiment (I don't know how, but my fingers kept typing the words that my brain manufactured even asleep).

But then? I seriously contemplated posting it like it would be really funny or something. It is not funny. It is the opposite of funny. It is boring.

Just to show the level of boring I'm referring to, here's a snippet:

I really thing it is important to know what our subconcious mnind wants to tell us about our stories and what ti tells us about live bevore we go ino things with them, like how the come and introduce themselves which something that simply doesn't make sense in the real worl world, but in this contex, i does make sense. Actually that was a lie because it don't makes sense si because it was a lie of the greatest variety and the truth of the matter is the fe a that I'm writing a line from top to boderline, as I wtype things thi a pool of something.

Yeah. This is something my brain looked at and said "yeah, post that. It's hilarious!"

Sure, brain. If when you say "hilarious" you mean nonsensical and a bit schizophrenic sounding. Ha ha! Ha... Ha?

 Tell the joke again about when you were falling asleep and you had a dream with words! It was so funny!

I've been telling really bad, embarrassing jokes elsewhere too of late. Probably one of the most embarrassing examples?

My friend Meg posted the following on Facebook: "anyone have recommendations for food or activities in La Push/Forks?"

My oh-so-witty reply?

I'll give you one guess.

"Fresh blood. And the sucking thereof."

Oh, the hilarity! I can scarcely breath due to the originality of that clever jibe! How droll I am! How do I pull these fantastically unique thoughts out of thin air???

Yeah, the crickets were so loud I literally cowered in shame at my computer. Because the most humiliating part? As I pressed "enter" I was actually chuckling to myself thinking "oh, yeah, this is awesome. Won't people get a kick out of this"

Uh, yeeeeeah. Hey The Weed? A joke about somebody being a vampire in Forks, Washington? Not really SNL material, okay? Sarah Palin is funnier than that. Mr. Rogers could run circles around that joke. Heck King Friday on Mr. Rogers could SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP EVERYTHING COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN IS IDIOTIC!!!!

The subsequent comments just went on giving recommendations. I'm pretty sure everyone just tried to pretend that hadn't happened, kind of like when you're talking to someone you don't know very well and you try to squeeze out a fart inconspicuously because it's really uncomfortable but you it ends up betraying you and squeaking really loudly and it stinks up the entire room, and you both have that moment where you look each other in the eye and you know they know what just happened, but then you keep on talking as if your noses weren't both burning and you weren't both thinking THIS IS THE NASTIEST STENCH I HAVE EVER SMELT AND IF I DON'T EVACUATE SOON I WILL PROBABLY VOMIT MID-SENTENCE because you haven't hit that social threshold where you could reasonably say "I just farted. Maybe we should leave the room. Chuckle chuckle" and not look like a complete social idiot.

Yeah. That's what it was like.

Except, in this scenario, I farted really loud on the internet. And that's a stench that doesn't just float away if you sit there awkwardly trying to look like you have an itch in your nose so you can use your hand to barricade it against the stench of fecal matter floating all around you for a few looong minutes... (Man, it sure sounds like I have a lot of first-hand experience here, doesn't it? (awkward chuckle))

I'm going to stop now.

In closing, a few orders of business:

1. I'm still undecided on my logo. I know I was being all "oh, these suck" in my satirical post, but seriously, I got handed some pretty amazing stuff and I'm genuinely appreciative to my friends who were so kind as to send me free logos. I have the most amazing readers/friends in the world.

2. Fun news--I am probably signing a lease for an office tomorrow. To expand my private practice. That's right y'all. THE WEED'S IN BIZNESS. I'm really, really excited. So, if you're in the Seattle area, and you want the absolute best marriage and family therapist in the world to be your counselor, send me an email. (Though, how I could even vaguely assume this discussion of farts could segue into a therapeutic relationship is beyond us all, I realize.) No but really. Email me. I'm actually really good at my job. (Though, how I could even say that credibly after proclaiming how good I am at graphic design during my last post with this

as evidence of a therapeutic tool I use with client? Ridiculous.)

JUST EMAIL ME. Or click here.

That is all.


  1. Is it bad that I laughed at your reply to your friends facebook status???

  2. Vampires in WA will always be funny. No worries! I would've laughed--did laugh. Hurray for dorky Twilight jokes!

  3. I laughed out loud several times. At least seven. Nice work Weed.

  4. New follower here!

    Hi. My name is Heather. (Hi Heather) I'm 31 years old and still think fart jokes are HYSTERICAL! As in - uncontrollable laughter at times. I also still watch cartoons. And pretend to be speaking in an AA group while leaving comments on people's blogs... Apparently. That's a new one. I'm an addictions counselor. Perhaps that's why we work in the counseling field - takes a crazy to know a crazy! ;)

  5. really josh! That picture again! Awesome news about the office! Friends are free right? :)

  6. Hi fellow Crusader! Stopping by to wave! I'm impressed with what you write while dozing -- my head usually hits the keyboard when I nod off and produces nothing coherent!

  7. the other day a friend posted on his fb wall something hipstery and snobbish about an indie band and how pandora mispelled the name of their song. i commented something like: "i know your frustration. sometimes pandora plays debbie gibson on the rick astley channel. fucking morons."

    he deleted the whole thread.

    i'm sofa king hilarious.

  8. What if I live on the other side of the country and am not married? ;)

  9. Hiya, buddy crusader! I'm making the rounds today and checking out your blog. Nice to meet you, and Happy Friday! :) Hey, in middle grade fiction, farts are ALWAYS funny (so those kids think, anyway). LOL

    Artzicarol Ramblings

  10. My reply to a friend's FB post today that she's going to Forks tomorrow: "Don't forget to wear your Bite Me t-shirt."

    Apparently I farted, too. My bad. ;)

  11. Your posts are always so refreshing! For the record, I snickered at your response on FB. However I've made creating awkward moments an art form.

    Congratulations on expanding your practice!

  12. I'm very proud that you were able to: "... IF I DON'T EVACUATE SOON I WILL PROBABLY VOMIT ..." safely, especially considering ...

    And by the way, you are now in biz-NASS. With enough practice, you'll be perfect.

  13. Humour is so subjective. Speaking as someone who definitely doesn't have a 'humour blog' I think you do a pretty awesome job most of the time! And if in doubt, just make sure your audience is entirely composed of 12 year old boys, as Carol suggested above. :-)

    Congrats on the new digs for work too.

    I'm hoping to visit your blog more regularly than I did in the first crusade, specially as we're in the same Crusade Group and all...

  14. Hey- I'm on your crusade team and just dropping in to say hi!

    Having only read a snippet of your blog, I think you're pretty funny. :0) I thought the Forks joke was great!

  15. Hey fellow crusader stopping by to see whats going on around your blog- great post- I found it humorous. have a fairy wonderful day!

  16. I'm a fellow Crusader group member stopping in to say Hi! Farting on the internet....classic! :)

  17. My neighbors are listening to me laughing hysterically - again! I sometimes wonder what they are thinking when they hear me yelling, "Oooooh ah ha ha ha ha !!! Too funny!!" at the top of my lungs.

    Congrats on the office and the private practice!


  18. hahahahaha. Great blog, fellow crusader!

  19. Haha, no, not random rambling, random hilarity. You are funny, no matter what your brain is trying to tell you. Don't let your consciousness censor you :) Just found your site and glad I did. Now off to have an even better look around.

  20. Hello, fellow crusader!!! *Waves!* I'm in your group and wanted to stop by to check out your blog! I love the visual drawing you provided! Ha!

  21. Hi crusader! Even your tags are funny!
    Crazy loopy woman.