Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Hide and Seek

So, Viva, our two-year-old, has a hilarious and also terrifying habit.

She has decided that there is very little in this world more entertaining than hiding from us.

The thing I don't get though is how sometimes she's so amazing at it, and other times her hiding spot consists of hiding her face under a bean bag in the middle of the living room with the entire rest of her body exposed.

 I'm closing my eyes. They'll NEVER find me or my mess now.

This disparity is problematic. Clearly, she doesn't understand the difference between hiding her head like an ostrich, and then the next time wedging herself into a small crevice behind the washer for thirty minutes while we get more and more worried calling her name over and over and hoping she hasn't died.

Whenever we find her on the days she chooses a Houdini like hiding spot, we're totally frazzled and having visions of kidnappings and wells and car trunks and freezers, and she usually just looks up at us smiling a smile that says "why on earth did it take you guys so long to find me this time??? You found me immediately yesterday when I closed my eyes in the kitchen to hide from you."

Mark my words, there will be a day we call the police over to try to find her.

And then we will locate her in the middle of her bedroom floor almost fully exposed. And wife will look at me and say "I thought you looked in here!" and I will look down sheepishly and say "I... forgot" and she will say "What do you mean you FORGOT? It's what we've been doing for the last 30 minutes, and the only reason you came upstairs, and because you didn't do it, we just called the police" and I'll be like "Listen, on my way up the stairs it became imperative that I get online and check my old grad-school email account to make sure nobody had been trying to contact today. Can I help that something as important as that distracted me from looking into the bedroom for our child who went missing?"

And then Wife will punch me in the face. Except no she won't. But I might punch myself in the face for her.

I'm charitable like that.

And now, the Weed Wednesday Wrap Up:

It's been a while since I've wrapped up. Let's get rolling.

1. Remember this post where I gave a bunch of random tidbits of information about myself wondering if you could guess the lie? Well, I forgot (SHOCKER) to update with the answer, so I'll do that now. But first let me explain what the crap that was. It was an entry for a writing contest thingie where we all do a post with specific requirements and then people judge them and the last time I did it I won so I was excited to do it again but do you know what happened? I posted it one minute late. And then it wasn't accepted.


So now I have a really random post about weird stuff using odd obscure words. But that's pretty much what this blog is anyway as it turns out so it's all a wash.

If you're curious, the fact that was a lie was #2. I'm horrible at directions. I'm even worse at landmarks.

Also, I really do play the violin and even had a music scholarship in college. I know it might sound surprising coming from a man who just published perhaps the most graphic expose on pooping one's pants ever written. But it's true. What can I say? I'm multifaceted: music scholarships and incontinence. Wife totally got the full package.

2. What else was there???

Nothing really.

3. I'll link to something funny. (I first saw this posted by my new favorite blogger Steam Me Up Kid. She's the very definition of humor. No joke.)

Oh, and here's one more thing.

Here, I'll embed that second one which given that it's had millions of views, you've likely already seen, but whatever.

WARNING: it contains a swear.

Good night. And happy Wednesday.


  1. That sounds completely nerve-wracking. How old is she?

  2. Maybe you should present her with a pretty bracelet that can be remotely activated to tell you where she is.

  3. @Matthew--She's two. (Thanks for asking and reminding me to insert it into the post itself). And you're right, it's completely nerve-wracking, ha.

    @Chrissy--THAT is a genius idea. Any idea where one could find such a newfangled contraption?

  4. my son use to hide sometimes once we found him in the dryer playing with the socks

  5. @Josh: I don't know, but they make them for cars and phones, so why not kids? :D

  6. bwaaaaahahahahha- sassy gay friend is good. it's almost as funny as that one time you posted the warning "Contains a swear" before the video embedded on your blog.

    ps: that was michelle williams best work.

  7. @becca--Nice!

    @Chrissy--So true. Um, slap a patent on that and I think you've just made yourself a gazillionaire.

    @Tilte--I know, that one time was so hilarious. Man... those were the days. Also, right? Twins. Or that was M.W. Pretty hard to tell.

  8. Oh no! I don't know whether to laugh or feel bad. It's crazy how kids can't differentiate between hiding in plain sight and scaring their parents half to death. Oh well...

    <3 Gina Blechman

    P.S. Loved the video

  9. My kids are well beyond 2 at this point, but I still recall the absolute panic that could set in when we couldn't find them - such little monkeys!

  10. josh your legit.. ha ilove your blog! chad an i read it all the time!

  11. I remember how I used to remark, in a voice dripping with sarcasm, on how terrible it was for parents to keep their children, like dogs, on leashes.
    Then I had children, and a heart attack, before I ran out and bought a leash.
    Parenting is probably your best bet for a good, comprehensive education. At least it's not any more expensive and there is no danger of "forgetting" what you learn.

  12. Funny vid. By the way, if you have a "hider" its pretty much God cursing you for your childhood. :)

  13. Thanks for warning about that swear. And not the content of Steam Me Up where my soul was scarred. :-) j/k

  14. Our kids have taken to hiding lately. They don't get how scary it is at all. Argh!

  15. Tie a bell around their neck to one of those dog collars that zaps them whenever they go out of bounds.

  16. That is fantastic.

    1) My parents almost called the police to find me one time... as it turns out, I'd fallen asleep in our dog's crate. Naturally. My mom was picking up the phone to dial when my dad found me in there, completely unconscious. What can I say? I wanted to snuggle with my dog, and then I fell asleep and she ran off. Typical.

    2) The lie being about directions? Totally wouldn't have guessed... though I suspected the others were true, too. It was a tough call. Good to know you are just as terrible at directions as me. Let's hope we never get lost together somewhere.

    3) Those videos are fantastic. I'm so glad you found them and introduced them into my life. :)