This graphic, which I found so hilarious I asked to steal it, was created by Dennis at Mormondaddyblogs.com
Well, this is interesting. And disturbing.
Remember the conversation I had with my four-year-old daughter, Anna, wherein she alerted me that she needed to hunt because she wanted to kill animals and we discussed at length how animals' muscles are eaten off of their bones, and also we discussed chickens being filled with chicken nuggets and Bambi being filled with Bambi nuggets and it ended in a terrifying discussion of cannibalism?
If not, you should read this. Today's post will make a lot more sense.
One would hope that such a discussion would be a one-time incident in which a little girl mused upon certain carnivorous concepts for a few moments and then moved on.
A week or two ago, we decided to go with some friends to the Tulip Festival up here in Washington State. For the uninitiated, the Tulip Festival is the most mind-numbingly boring event to ever choose to do on a Saturday, which involves parking in gravel, walking past row after row after row after row of very colorful tulips while your kids run and scream and play in mud and throw clumps of dirt at bystanders, getting back to the gravel, then getting in your car in a daze and wondering "am I on PCP right now, or did I seriously just get mind-raped by 40,000 tulips? And did I actually pay for it?"
Never having been there, Wife and I did not know how boring it would be, and we were getting all the kids excited to go. Recently, Anna had been doing something we thought was pretty innocuous. Anytime we'd pass a field or pass of grass or parking lot or stream, she'd ask "is that a meadow, Mommy? What about that? Is that a meadow?"
"No, sweetheart," we'd say. "That's a McDonalds." Or whatever.
Well, to get Anna animated, Wife announced, "Anna, we're going to an actual meadow to see the tulips." Anna's eyes lit up with excitement. "A meadow, Mommy?" she asked sweetly. "We're going to a real meadow?"
"Yes," replied wife with a smile. Then they got busy getting dressed. At which point this conversation occurred.
Wife: Anna, what shirt do you want to wear?
Anna: (pauses and thinks) I want to wear a meadow shirt.
Wife: Oh, okay sweetie. That's a good idea. (goes to the closet and picks out a green shirt) This shirt is green, so it's perfect for a green meadow...
Anna: No, Mommy, a meadow shirt.
Wife: (Holding up a shirt with flowers on it.) How about this? I think this shirt with flowers fits a meadow.
Anna: No! That's not a meadow shirt. (laughs)
Wife: What's a meadow shirt?
Anna: Do we have a shirt that says "Hunters who like to eat chicken and their bones looking for animals to kill. And eat."?
Wife:.... (looks horrified)
Anna: Do we have a shirt that says that, Mommy? So I can kill deer and eat their muscles? So I can eat the chicken nuggets in their skin?
Wife: No, sweetheart. We don't. (looks over at me with panicked eyes that say "YOU DID THIS TO HER, I KNOW IT!")
There was nothing to be done. We had no such meadow shirt. Amazingly, there was no apparel in the entire house that announced us as hunters craving to kill animals in order to eat their muscles and bones.
But all that has changed.
That's right Anna, Daddy just opened a Zazzle store! And guess what shirt he made!
A meadow shirt:
This shirt is any hunter's dream come true. Available for
purchase in any size!!
What was that you say? You want photographic evidence of me and the family at the Tulip Festival?
But of course:
Sometimes meadows can be scary.
(Cue Lion King music) AAAAAA SEBENIA....
(I have no idea if that's what the song actually says.)
(Also, the fact that I did this means that Tessa is now prince of a pride of lions. So I'm royalty now.)
I don't know about all y'all, but I'm here to HUNT.
Viva likes that her shirt is the same color as the flowers.
"Don't worry, sister, I'll find some animals so you can eat muscles off their bones."
No deer were located on this adventure. We did, however, acquire this bunny.
No Anna, stop licking your chops. You may not eat the bunny.
There's a bunch of Weeds in the tulips... (ba dum CHING)
I have no caption for this photo other than that I love how bewildered Tessa looks.
"It's okay Viva. Animals were meant to die. And I was meant to brutally kill them."