Whoa! Anus over-share!
Oh. my. gosh. Seriously Kensington, is he talking about his anus AGAIN??
Because of this, I was seriously contemplating not finishing the colonscopy tale I started here, and just giving you this link to a hilarious blogger friend who recently had a colonoscopy as well, and wrote a post that is very, very funny about it.(Warning: contains swears. And is hilarious.)
But then, I started getting comments on my last post about eagles that were basically like "Um, yeah, thanks for the really awesome post about wildlife, but can we get back to serious business, like you talking about your anus? Kthxbai."
So, I decided to listen to my gut, and to Los Readers, and I came up with a brilliant plan. Here's how it will go: I will write part II of my colonoscopy story, but I will use ridiculous euphemisms in place of potentially offensive imagery. Then, at the bottom, I will include the key. That way instead of hearing about graphic stuff, you can enjoy some delightfully inaccurate imagery, and if you're so inclined to be horrified by the contents of my colon, you can choose to read the key. So, it's basically a choose your own adventure! The control is yours. Do you feel powerful now?
Perfect. All right. Here we go.
My main concern when it came to ye ol' colonoscopy was whether or not I'd vomit. Not sure if you know this about me, but I actually have a bit of a vomit phobia (called emetephobia). So, instead of thinking "what if they put a camera up my "water well"(1) and find some pus-filled, infected malignant tumor of imminent death which will rack my body with unimaginable pain for months?!" I instead looked at my doctor when he said "you'll be drinking over a gallon of prescription liquid" and whimpered: "...um, doc? Is this going to make me throw up?" (sucks thumb, holds jacket like a baby blanket, curls up into fetal position on the examination table)
"No," my gastroenterologist reassured me, soothingly. "It will just make your "peep-hole"(2) spray "cream soda"(3) like a garden hose."
I was visibly relieved. He went on. "Here's how this will go down. The night before your procedure, you are going to drink a concoction that will empty your "pillow case" (4) completely. You've gotta make sure you drink all of it, because this is the stuff that will make sure that we are able to detect any abnormalities during the procedure. You've gotta be totally cleaned out."
Totally cleaned out. Gotcha. No more "bunnies"(5) in the "rabbit hole"(6). No more "chocolate"(7) in the "chocolate factory"(8) Makes sense. And plus, I wasn't going to throw up, so it couldn't be that bad.
When the day before the fated procedure arrived, I was a little nervous. I don't mind admitting that I took the whole day off of work just to make sure I didn't "throw a party"(9).
The process was everything you'd expect drinking a liquid meant to clear your bowels would be. I made sure to keep the giant jug of the stuff cooled in the fridge because, as the pharmacist said, "you ain't gonna want to down glasses and glasses of this stuff warm." Correct, sir. I even tried to enhance the taste by throwing in some crystal light. And I discovered that there really is nothing more palatable than a delicious glass of crystal light powder mixed with a salty sludge reminiscent of what I'd imagine slugs finely blended in a food processor would taste like.
Glass after glass after glass... Mmmmmmm.
The thing that I didn't anticipate was the simultaneity. Liquid coming in, and liquid going out. Sometimes when the ten minute timer went off saying I needed to gag some more liquid down, I would find myself feeling an urge to "powder my face"(10) so strong that I was in a bind: drink more sludge, or relieve myself? I'd stand there frozen for a moment, unsure of what to do, considering the option of taking a nice cool glass into the bathroom so that the liquid could literally be pouring down my gullet at the exact same moment that I could hear it pouring out of my "lemonade pitcher"(11) into the toilet water.
For reasons of sanitation and sanity, I decided against that option.
After several hours of sitting on the toilet broken up by breaks to drink more sludge, punctuated by more frantic runs to the toilet to "paint rainbows on unicorns"(12), my body had had enough. I was exhausted. It was nearing midnight, and my "couch cushion"(13) was still trying to convince me that it was a fire-hose. I lay down in my bed so exhausted that I fell asleep, but kept waking up in the night worrying that I'd "sprinkle sugar on my plum cake." (14) I was surprised to discover, however, that I woke up clean as a whistle. One or two more trips to the bathroom to "put helium into the party balloons" (15) before I left to the hospital.
After the night of fecal fun, the actual procedure was a cinch!
Things to remember if you ever do this: 1. get there on time so a crotchety nurse doesn't yell at you. 2. when the nurse busts out the razor to shave your arm hair in order to put in an IV, just flex really hard so your vein shows, because then you'll avoid having a bald spot on your arm for two weeks straight. 3. try not to greet the university student there to observe your procedure so cheerfully when wheeled into the surgical suite. He or she will soon be watching a tube snake up your "rectum" (16) while you whimper in pain because the drugs had started to take effect, but only just enough so that you don't realize how ridiculous you sound as you pathetically cry out "oh, oh, oh, oh! More medicine! I need more medicine! Please!" in desperation, but not enough that you don't feel like you're being "tickled" (17) until the magic button of anesthesia is pressed. (Was that sentence as confusing to read as I feel like it is? Don't mind me, it's just the anesthetic talking.)
Anyway, long story short, the procedure was a raging success! And I got a call two weeks later letting me know the news.
They found nothing wrong. At all. Not even a hint of a hemorrhoid. Not even a whiff of a rupture.
Thus, official diagnosis: healthy as a horse
My life is made of win.
Oh, and PS, what was I doing post op? All day long?
Fish and chips and fries and fry sauce and burgers and root beer and ice cream and donuts and cupcakes and two candy bars and Cadbury mini eggs and sun chips and hummus with crackers and oreos have NEVER tasted so good
Oh, and if you chose the adventure where you don't read a lot of hilarious, graphic descriptions, you should not read the numbered list below.
(5)Retched fecal matter
(7)Clumps of turd
(8)Nasty internal dung sleeve
(9)Spray liquid crap all over my computer desk
(10)Take a piss from my anus
(12)Splatter brownish yellow reeking fecal liquid all over my toilet bowl
(14)Leak brown streams of steaming butt-juice everywhere
(15)Empty the last streams of brown liquid so foul small rodents may have died from the stench into the toilet
(17)Sodomized violently by a plastic tube