Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The The Weed Wednesday Wrap Up (This time actually on Wednesday!)

Hey remember a long time ago when I used to do a Wednesday wrap-up because there were little tidbits I wanted to talk about, but nothing that warranted a full-fledged post?

You don't?

Well, that's probably because I tried it twice like five months ago then never did it again.

But I'm going to do it today! Because there's been stuff happening 'round these parts, and then I always say, "hey, I'll post that in a Wrap Up" and then I never do the wrap up, and I never talk about the cool slash embarrassing thing and then I forget about it and it's lost forever more.

And I'm tired of that happening. So. Let's break this down.

1. So, you know my post Morning Run? (How could you forget--it seems to come up every time I write.) Well, the thing that happened with that post that I have never gotten around to mentioning here is that one day a few weeks ago I woke up and approximately four trillion people had visited that post. And it was all because some awesome person I don't even know posted it on the forum for a really popular running magazine. The thing that's funny though? Not one of those visitors made a comment.. So it's like hundreds of people just dropped in, read a post about one of my most embarrassing moments all about me pooping my pants, and then left as fast as they could before I could smear virtual feces on them.

Hey, I don't blame them. I'm still scared to shake my own hand...

2. Did you see what happened with my Ken Jennings post? It was pretty awesome. First, it was featured in Deseret News' "Today in the Bloggernacle" (the Bloggernacle is the word for the general group of blogs written by Mormon people, and I'm Mormon, so apparently I'm included in that group. "Bloggernacle" is derived from the word Tabernacle which is a building in Salt Lake City (the building where the Tabernacle Choir gets its name)). That was totally awesome, but then something equally cool happened. Ken Jennings Tweeted my post in a throw-down wherein he challenged me to play Scattergories with him, and I, in turn, ran away with my tail between my legs and sucked my thumb, but only after saying "BRING IT" with all the courage I could muster which is pretty easy to do on Twitter because you're not actually talking to anybody. If any of you are here because of that sequence of events, welcome! Nice to meet you! My name is The Weed and I crap my pants on runs and then shovel poop out of my pants with my bare hand, and I can't seem to stop talking about that fact. *extends hand for a hearty handshake*

3. I had a couple of posts featured on the site And then the guy, Dennis, made this graphic.

And then I stole it for the Redux. And now I'm gonna make a shirt out of it. But I haven't yet because first I need to learn Photoshop. And how colors work. And how shirts are made. Or something. *confused face*

4. Speaking of which, I opened a Zazzle store. There you can buy a Meadow Shirt! Soon you will also be able to buy a Bambi Nuggets shirt. Because nothing is more appetizing than some delicious hunks for greasy deer muscle. And there's nothing that will piss vegetarians off more than a shirt advertising that those hunks of deer muscle are actually Bambi.


(Sorry if you are a vegetarian. I totally don't mean to disrespect your life-choice by making that shirt, I just think it's funny. Truth is, nothing has ever made me consider vegetarianism more seriously than the event that precipitated this shirt. So really, think of this as a public service announcement about NOT eating meat.)

5. I wrote a guest post on a friend's blog, Project Project.. It was supposed to be funny, but my blind eye was in a really bad mood that night and was like "shut up, Josh, and stop your outlandish behaviors like seeing color and typing and sensing light! Your punishment for being awake still is the sensation of a knife bisecting your pupil! Go ahead and try to be funny now!" and it made it so I could barely type a sentence without closing my eyes for a few minutes to recuperate. But, at any rate, you can see the post here.  It's a heart-warming story of survival. Or a heart-breaking story of the inevitability of awkward situations. And it features a deaf man.

6. Last but not least, I wanted to mention that my private practice, against all odds, is growing! Yay! And, the most unbelievable thing ever? Some of my clients have actually come from this blog. (You know who you are *winks*)(Was that totally inappropriate for a therapeutic relationship?)(I suck at this game)

Anyway, tell all your friends that need counseling that you know the best counselor in town! Especially if you live in or near Auburn, WA. Otherwise tell them you know the best counselor on the World Wide Web. (I firmly believe that nothing speaks to a counselor's authenticity more than his frank discussion shoving excrement out of his pants. That's the underlying message here.)(Okay, that was a joke. The truth is, I actually am really good at my job. Which is kinda hard to tell if you've read... any post I've ever written here. Oh well. C'est la vie.)

All right folks. Time to close up shop and go to bed. I've got lives to save tomorrow. Where when I say "lives" I actually mean "naps" and when I say "to save" I actually mean "to avoid accidentally taking while talking to students by playing a lot of Uno."

Okay, I need to give myself more credit. I actually have saved lives at my job. Surprisingly, I'm not joking. Suicide prevention is real, y'all.

(Side note--I recently had a native Texan (hi Tami!) tell me that I'm not allowed to say "y'all" because I'm not from Texas. However, my inner monologue voice (you know, the voice you hear talking in your head while you're driving your car or sitting in a boring meeting or whatever which, in my case, is the same voice that writes most of The Weed--oh wait, you don't have voices in your head? Odd...) constantly says y'all and I have no idea why because I've never even been to Texas. So, do I remain true to my inner voice, or obey the only-Texans rule? Discuss.)

Good night.


  1. You are totally allows to say y'all. The y'all is for those who truly feel it, deep down, in their souls. Clearly you are one of those people. Also, I'm a native Oklahoman and we say y'all all the time, so Texans don't have a monopoly on it. (though I will admit I said it more when I moved to Texas). Besides, it's a useful word. Like the Soanish vosotros.

  2. Being from Texas myself, I say that the more non-Texans who use the word y'all, the less people can make fun of Texans for saying it.

    Maybe I should start a campaign to make y'all the word for all of the US :-)

  3. First of all, you spelled Tami's name wrong (she's gonna kill you!). Second of all, I've heard you say y'all. I don't think the problem is necessarily that you're not from Texas as much as it just sounds wrong coming from you. Not to be rude. Maybe I just think it sounds weird coming from anyone without a southern accent (including myself, who was born in Texas but has now lost my accent).

  4. @Cara--THANK YOU. My inner monologue voice feels much better about it now, actually. And you're right, part of it has to do with the fact that it's incredibly useful--a simple monosyllable, where all other options are cumbersome and unnatural sounding. (And y'all is natural sounding? Man, I'm confused.) Anyway, thanks for your stamp of approval!

    @Christine--Agreed, you definitely should. It would help those of us with an inner voice fixated on linguistic pragmatism (monosyllable vs. polysyllabic options) feel much more comfortable. So, Texas wins, and my inner monologue voice wins. Quid pro quo. Texas and I should do business together more often...

    @JJstringham--I have NO IDEA what you're talking about! Her name is spelled perfectly. Go look. Tami. Of course it's not Tammy! I'd never spell her name Tammy! *walks away whistling*

  5. I pretty much made that rule up so I could make fun of you. I suppose it is not for only Texans, but at least somewhere in the South. And Utah does not count as the south. Now I am going to get a crazy amount of hits from your blog! Good job. Too bad I have nothing exciting on there lately for people to read.

  6. Ya'll is not a Texas thing. It's a southern thing.

  7. you know your story about getting a shitton of visitors and not getting ONE comment? same thing happened to me. -only my visitors decided they hadn't had enough rectal riffraff on your blog and decided to read about the shitshack on my blog.

    i'm not sure if the lack of comments was because i burned too many mormon retinae with all of my fowl language, or if readers just weren't compelled enough to give me a virtual high-five for voluntarily getting my backside violated.

    either way, i'm STILL getting random visitors from your page.

    also. i REALLY need to set up a twitter account already. this is getting embarrassing.

  8. As a Utahn who now lives in Texas and officially has Texas license plates. (my soul hurt that day.) I give you permission to use y'all.

  9. Also, Utah is in the "southwest" I have a baseball t-shirt to prove it.

  10. That should have been a baseball *tournament* t-shirt to prove it.

  11. As a card-carrying, born-and-raised-in-Alabama Southerner, and as someone who lived in Salt Lake City for several years, I can tell you that Salt Lake City is strangely like a parallel universe to the South:

    1. Small-town insularity, even in a big town: CHECK
    2. A sizable portion of an educated population who has never traveled outside the state: CHECK
    3. Everyone goes to church on Sunday: CHECK
    4. Everyone goes to the same church: CHECK
    5. Conservatism is a religion (but not the one they go to on Sunday... it's more of an every-day-of the-week thing): CHECK

    So as a Mormon, I feel you are entitled to use the word y'all, but you shouldn't try to make cornbread without a mix.

  12. Remember that one time when you were rocking the internet? I sure do. Love it.

  13. I'm from Idaho and say y'all. Y'all just have to have the guts to say it like you mean it!

  14. Haha, I've thought about doing a weekly theme post, but I know that I will try it like, twice...Funny post!And sorry, but IMHO, vegetarians are what food eats ;)
    Oh, and I say y'all ALL the time, and I'm Canadian. Perhaps I should stop...

  15. I'm not even American and my inner monologue voice says 'y'all' all the time.

    Just read your running/ scoop poop piece - I cried. From laughing so hard.

  16. @TamBaum--you deserve a crazy amount of hits from my blog, because I actually get a substantial amount of traffic from your blog. (Fist bump) Oh, and also? Feel free to make up rules about anything to make fun of me. It is funny.

    @party of four--I'm starting to realize just how many places say it. And it's a lot.

    @TILTE--You know what I need to set up that you've already done? A facebook page for The Weed. I have awesome people friend my actual facebook account, and I'm sure they're like "um, where's the part where you actually DO SOMETHING on this thing besides play Scrabble?"

    @Daniel--Why thank you. And also thank you for the Southwest confirmation. See? I am from the south.....west. Yeah. Doesn't quite work. But almost.

    @Deborah--Your comment made me laugh. It's a very true observation, and one I'd never thought of. Thank you for the support in saying "y'all", and also for the cornbread advice. Duly noted.

    @her daughter--remember that one time I was going home this weekend and you were going to be in Nebraska? Not loving that.

    @Escritopormi--1. I like you user handle. 2. I'm glad to see and Idahoan that says "y'all" and 3. Like I just told someone on Facebook, I'm pretty sure I don't sound very natural when I say it. I'm pretty sure it's the equivalent of an British aristocrat saying something like "drop it like it's hot" in their British accent. I'll have to work on that.

    @Steph--No, definitely you should not stop! I think the resounding consensus here is that it's okay. It's okay for us closet "y'all"ers to come out and be who we are! (turns on radio and starts singing along awkwardly to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way")

    @Alison--I'm very glad to hear that you also are a 'y'all'er! And it always gives me a special thrill to know that something I wrote has made someone cry. Most especially when it's from laughter, but I'm cool with just making people just regular cry too. Because I'm heartless.

    As always, no editing has happened here. Sorry! Off to work. (coughlatecough)

  17. 3. I love Bambi Nuggets. As do my mom and grandma.
    6. Yay! Feeling comfortable discussing the anatomy and physiology of the digestive system is probably a valuable counselor attribute (so long as you know when to wield it).
    I would like to bet that patients who came to you from this blog came before the Bambi nuggets post and before the pooping-your-pants post ;)

  18. Umm, can I just suggest that you put a different warning against the pooping post? My kids were [] this close to sleeping when I read it and now they're all "We're awake" and "What are you looking at" and "We can read, you know". Whoops. :)

  19. If you're having a hard time with your "y'all" pronunciation, try this certified (tm) Southern variation: "yawww", as in, "Hey, YAWWWWW! Lookit THIS!" You can also visit my friend's site, Real Southern Men, for a Twanglish lesson. Happy to hear someone embrace the linguistic goodness that is "y'all". <3

  20. I'm from SC, and have lived all over, incl SLC, UT and OR, and I figure the more people who learn to say Ya'll, the better. And, depressingly, being from the Old South, I always considered Texas as WEST until I got to BYU and realized my Te_xan friends thought they were _Southern_. Sorry, Ya'll.