Thursday, June 16, 2011

Musings on a Great Lady

I’m sitting in an airport now. In Phoenix. Because nothing makes more sense when flying from Salt Lake City, Utah to Seattle, Washington than to take a quick pit stop in Arizona, which is precisely the opposite direction of my destination.

Thank you Expedia.

Grand Canyon, Arizona
 Why hello, Grand Canyon. Certainly didn't expect to see you on this trip... (photo found here)

My trip was good. Family was visited, Café Rio was eaten, and I pretty much felt like I was a teenager again because I was completely at the mercy of my parents for getting around. It was actually kind of nice. For me. Not so much for the parentals, as they shuttled around a 31-year-old manchild who forgot his ADD medication and therefore left crap everywhere. On second thought, maybe it was nice for them? A nice trot down memory lane to the days when I left my lunchbox at school approximately daily and I never, not one time, got a permission slip home to be signed successfully and they heard encouraging words from teachers like “your child is the laziest student I’ve ever met” and “Josh forgot his math homework for the 20th time” and “YOU PEOPLE MUST BE STUPID. Why can’t your child remember his backpack?” Ah, the sweet, sweet memories of undiagnosed mental disorders.  *wistful sigh*

As I told you before, I was in Utah to see my Grandma The Weed because she’s not doing too hot. Well, as it turns out, she’s really really not doing too hot.

To put it mildly, she’s having plumbing problems. To put it bluntly, she’s pooping out of her vagina.

Yes. Apparently that happens. 

Shhh. Don’t tell her I told the internet. She might be embarrassed. Except, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what the internet is yet. She barely has a grasp on “computer.” To her, a computer is a giant, awkward gift she received nearly two decades ago from a family down the street that, if she were brave enough to turn it on, could be used to type letters that would print on her fancy dot-matrix printer, but she’s too worried she’ll break something to even turn it on, so there it sits, in mint condition, a relic from a different age. The age of the early 90’s. When computing was all about word processing. And solitaire. And MS Paint before MS Paint became cool.

Anyone want a t300 (or something with 300 in it...) vintage computer? Includes reams and reams of dot-matrix paper that you have to rip the sides off of. (That was a particularly gratifying dangling participle. (That's what she said.))

Quick technical question, how do I get my iTunes on this baby? (photo here)

No, but it was really good to be with Grandma. All of my siblings were there, and we had the chance to do some things that we haven't done in years. We had her mother's famous Swedish Meatballs, a recipe brought straight from the motherland. We shot the breeze. She had enough energy to say things like "Is that a tie on that chair? Remove it." and "I certainly do love Mountain Dew," and "Shave, Joshua. Your face looks ridiculous."

I'm not joking at all when I say that it was good to have her making feisty, curmudgeonly, sometimes racially insensitive comments. She's a great lady. It's that same feistiness that allowed her to raise my dad to be a great man. And it was the same feistiness that gave her the strength to, when she realized she had married a man who was physically abusive early in her marriage, leave him behind even though it was the '50's, a time when doing so was unheard of, and he was scary and she had no marketable skills to speak of. She did a marvelous job, and worked hard, and raised her boy, and never complained, and then he raised a great family, and now she's finally nearing the timberline, and it is time to help her make the Great Transition in as much comfort as possible. And it was nice to have a week to be with her while she is still herself.

And for the record, I did shave. And she really appreciated it. And then we went and ate Chinese food which was "just delicious, except for the worst egg-roll [she'd] ever eaten."

Love ya Grandma Weed.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Items of bizness:

1. I recently wrote a guest post for a newish blog called Modern Mormon Men. It's a post about couple dating which is the process by which couples become bff's. I wasn't sure if this was a Mormon phenomenon or just a married phenomenon, but it seems to be more the latter. Anyway, it's satirical, and if I know you, this post is officially not about you. Unless it is about you, in which case, you know who you are. (I'm just kidding. It really is fiction. Cross my heart hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.) You can read the post here.

2. I could have sworn there was more stuff for this list, but I forgot it.

3. I'm going to go take my Ritalin now.

UPDATE: I forgot to take it before walking out the door. Isn't it kind of hilarious to have a disorder that distracts you from taking the antidote for the disorder?

12 comments:

  1. I love your blog and laugh every time i read it- I have a son with diagnosed adhd- please, please tell me there is hope for him- that he can turn out to be a stand-up, honest citizen and not a depraved con.....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Way to come to Utah while we're in Hawaii. Jerk.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, Weed. I cannot believe that you told that on your grandma on the internet.
    It did make me laugh so loudly and (since I am at work) so inappropriately that now the bitches I work with think I'm crazy. Ok, they always thought it and now they have "proof". I'm taking one for the team here, and I would like to dedicate it to your poor grandma. AND I will not tell. I hope nobody does!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aw, sorry about poor Grandma The Weed and her...um... situation. I'll bet it meant a lot to her to have you there - unshaven and all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Felicia--Well, judging by how successful I've become as an adult, I think it's pretty clear that your son is... doomed.

    No, totally kidding. There is 100% hope for your son! Seriously. I wish my mom had known a couple of things as I was growing up. Like 1. it's nobody's fault, especially not yours and 2. things do get better with adulthood. Something about the pre-frontal cortex fully developing... not sure, I was too distracted in class to remember. (Thanks for reading and laughing, btw.)

    @Mr. Fob--Yeah, I'm pretty good at timing my Utah trips when others are on lush tropical beaches. It's this gift I have.

    @Momiss--Thank you for your secrecy and propriety, and for taking one for the team. As well as for dedicating to Grandma. She would appreciate it if she had any idea what I was talking about...

    @Jessica--Thanks. It really was a nice weekend. I think it meant a lot to all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have an ADHD son, I love the teacher's judgmental stares and the sudden silence from other parents when I enter a room. So fun! ;) 'Cause you know, I MUST be a horrible mom, it can't POSSIBLY be a mental disorder that causes my son to scream in the middle of class for no apparent reason and refuse to sit still for 5 consecutive seconds.

    Anyway, hope you had fun sitting in PHX, did you venture to step outside to experience what hell is sure to feel like? Eh, only 104 degrees today anyway...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm glad you had a good trip Josh, but I'm sorry Grandma Weed isn't doing well. I'm sure time with family was a great comfort though!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sorry to hear about Grandma The Weed. She sounds a bit/lot like my Grandma (who was kindly abandoned by her husband during WWII while pregnant with my dad - child no. 4). She was a tough lady, working at night so she could be at home during the day, never taking crap from anyone (like hanging up on sisters from the ward, who'd make comments about her letting her granddaughter with pink hair, me, visit her, or calling up people who didn't want to employ Mormons and telling them that they're a bunch of discriminating a**holes.)

    I'm a bit traumatized by the info about her plumming though. :O

    And by the fact that you mentioned Cafe Rio (uncontrollable salivation is setting in AGAIN).

    Anyway, wishing a smooth, peaceful transition for your Grandma and the whole family.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi dude nice blog and good luck keep posting.

    ReplyDelete
  10. sorry about your Grandma but the remarks about being ADd and what your parents suffer through made me smile.
    not because i thought it was funny but because as a sister who grew up with to brothers one that was ADHD and one that was ADD i totally got this. I lost track of how many times we went through daily check list just to get out the dorr every morning for school and at pick up every afternoon not to mention just going to the grocery store could take awhile. Now they are 23 and 21 doing well but there is still those daily checklist and routines. but I love living with them and would not change things for the world most days...hugs

    Everyday Life

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, thank you being Mormon and still being AOK with Ritalin... its a miracle, isnt it? :D

    And you're grandma sounds like my great-grandma, right up till she was 104...her quotes still make me chuckle. I remember her gasps every time "the f word" was said in 'Good Will Hunting', and her hurried sentence a few months later, when she had seen it again..."You know dear, once you get past the "clucks!"... its quite a good movie!"
    This from the woman born in 1902. She saw the invention of seatbelts, was alive during the San Francisco quake, was a teen at the time of the Titanic, saw BOTH world wars, was in her early 20s in the flapper era, both of her children grew up successfully AND RETIRED (we were worried one might go before her... that would have been so hard!), and got all the way up to learning how to use a DVD player.
    She gave me Shirley Temple, and the Mary Tyler Moore show, and I Love Lucy, and Tootsie, and MASH, and The Music Man... and never minded that I could never sit still, and needed to watch a movie while visiting to keep me from getting too crazy. I was the most ADHD little girl that you ever did see, and my great grandmother took it in better stride than my grandmother. I even remember as a teenager, fighting my grandmother, standing up for myself and the validity of my statements (despite the fact that there were so MANY of them...), and everyone scolding me for being "inappropriate"- but my great grandmother murmered in my ear later at the buffet table "Oh, don't mind her dear, my daughter's just being a real WITCH today". She didnt say "witch", though- and I'm pretty sure whatever I was drinking came right out my nose, I started laughing so hard. I love that generation gap, that she was able to be the mother of my GRANDMOTHER, and still have a similar mindset that I did. I miss her now, in my twenties. I think she and I would have gotten into a lot of trouble together..... because apparently, she and her twin sister were considered little devils as well... and could never sit still.
    Miss you, Grandmaw.
    And thank you for sharing about your adventure, it brought back so many of my memories!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very entertaining post. I can't help myself laughing. I have a cousin with ADHD and we provide the attention he needs.

    ReplyDelete