Friday, September 23, 2011

This post is brought to you by a dollar jar.

I've had Cough Syrup in my head all day. The song, I mean.

Here.



Now it will be in your head all day too.

PS, is it okay to embed Youtube videos that are copyrighted into a blog, or did I just break a law? If it's wrong, it seems counter-intuitive to me because you probably just watched that, and you might not have if I hadn't.

Or maybe it's totally okay. What a mystery!  If anybody understands that crap, come explain it to me. And also don't call the internet police if I'm in the wrong. Kthx.

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You'll note that this post is... basically about nothing.

The reason for this is that I am doing this contest with my friend Konrad where we each have a jar, and we each come up with a list of things we want to accomplish, and then we have to put a dollar into the jar for every time we don't do what we said we would do. I'm sure that made total sense and that you won't have to read that sentence like 20 times to even kind of understand what I'm trying to say, right?

Anyway, point is, one of the things I said I'd do is write three blog posts a week. THREE. I've been averaging four a month. So, this is a little ambitious. On a night like tonight when I know I have to get two more in before Sunday or I have to put a dollar into a random jar that I will give away, I have a choice to make about creativity.

Here's the predicament. Writing blog posts that I think are funny is extremely enjoyable and invigorating. However, sometimes, despite my best intentions, I sit down to write something funny and all that comes out of me is material that looks like it might have come from the trash bin of a junior high journalism class.  (Take right now for example. Right now I want to make jokes like "your eyes are probably bleeding because the jokes here are so painful to the eyes that they make your eyes bleed from their eye blood vessels" or "you keep waiting for a hilarious punchline, and instead you're getting punched in the face with a lot of boring." These jokes would not win a trophy at a comedy club. They are, in fact, lame. But it's what my brain is manufacturing right now. You can't be a winner every day. Or, for some of us, any day.

And also, organization. I know I'm on my game when a post comes into my head like magic and kind of writes itself and I know how it should all come out and then the pictures work and it all fits together seamlessly and I find myself laughing really hard. That happens about once a week on average, if that.

But this? This is a garbled hot mess of thoughts strewn together in what look like paragraphs, but are actually arbitrary line breaks so that you don't get overwhelmed with text-blocks the size of The Preamble of the Constitution. (Do you want to know the sequence of "jokes" my brain tried out before I decided on that very lame Constitution joke? It went something like this: "Dolly Pardon's chest? No too vulgar. Texas? No, too vague and I used Kansas the other day. The Bible? No, verses. Goliath? No, too Biblical.  A Big Mac? No, not actually large. A really big block of text? Um... yeah, no.)

So, the solution is to not write crap posts like this and instead wait for the inspiration to strike. But what ends up happening is that it doesn't strike. And then you go for weeks without posting, and it looks like you've given up on life.

The alternative is to sit down one night, embed a link to a song that's in your head, then write a post all about how incredibly unfunny you feel that night and hope people appreciate hearing from you even if it isn't a humdinger My-Daughter-is-a-Cannibal-and-I-drank-Milk-from-my-aunt's-breast-as-a-child type of post.

This post needs a picture.

At least this picture is kinda funny, what with Wife looking hot, and vomit all over her shoulder, and baby Tessa all bug-eyed, like "Whoa. That was projectile, and I'm not sure what to think about it."

If I can help it, I'll never talk about blogging again. Because this post was painful for all of us. If this post is up tomorrow, it means I was desperate and really, really couldn't find anything else to say. So just have pity on me.
Stop talking now The Weed, and get to bed in the next 15. Otherwise you writing this to not owe Konrad a dollar will make you go to bed late, thus making you owe Konrad a dollar.


6 comments:

  1. I need to be honest, I skipped about half of what you wrote and then gagged a bit at the photo. There is something with baby vomit that grosses me out more then regular teenage girl drunken vomit. Go figure.
    I guess you are going to be spending your nap time writing. That sucks. Good luck!

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  2. Let the dollar jar fun begin!

    Thanks for not making fun of all my old posts for your post tonight. I was slightly worried.

    I'll try and come up with some good funny ideas for you for your blog. Wait...what am I saying. You giving Konrad a dollar in turn gives ME a dollar.

    Sorry buddy, you are on your own!

    -ashlee

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  3. Your wife is so pretty she totally made up for it at the end. Well played.

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  4. I guess I should apologize to all of your readers for lowering the (already questionable) quality of content on your blog. In my defense, I didn't force you to commit to 3 blog posts per week - you made your own rules.
    BTW, I just decided that I am going to use your Donate button as my jar because:
    1. I can get credit card points that way, and that is a top priority in my life right now as evidenced by the 8 credit card accounts and 4 bank accounts I've opened in the last few months in the name of free flights.
    2. I know how much The Weed Wife likes it when you make money and I thought it might help in that department.
    3. I think its kind of sad that only one person has donated so far.

    Konrad

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  5. I am actually taking a copyright class right now. Your question comes down to who posted the YouTube video, if the band or the owner of the copyright posted it you're good. If an unauthorized person posted you won't get in trouble but the person who posted the video would be in violation.

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  6. @Tabitha--Sorry! Didn't realize there was a population grossed out by baby vomit. I'm actually a vomit-phobe (emetephobe, if you wanna get all technical) myself, yet for some reason baby vomit just doesn't get me riled up.

    @Ashlee--fair enough, fair enough. An understandable choice. Though now I might be left to ferret ideas out of your archives ;-)

    @Steamme--having you read this post reminds me of when the principal came to observe me when I was a teacher and had forgotten she was coming and had to wing the crappiest lesson ever. I am ashamed to have you seem at my worst. But whatever. Welcome to my lamest post to date! *rolls out red carpet*

    @Konrad--Um questionable? I'm pretty offended that you said that. I'm not sure what you find questionable about fart jokes, pants crapping, and descriptions of colonoscopies, but clearly our standards of quality differ mightily. Ahem. Also, I fully support your Donate button decision because 1. anything done to obtain a free flight is admirable 2. wow, thanks for that--when Wife is happy, The Weed is happy, if you catch my drift, shoulder nudge shoulder nudge... (awkward silence) and 3. Agreed!

    @Dan--Thanks for the info! It's nice having some lawyers in the family.

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