Back fourteen centuries ago when I was in Utah at the beginning of the month, my sister's car broke down when she came to pick me up from my sex conference. Then a couple of days later, we were driving the same car which had miraculously begun working again. The plan was to pick up In-N-Out and go to Grandma Weed's so I could see her one last time before she died. (Side note: I did not actually know she would die several days later at this time. I know it now because this is me from the future talking. Which is why blogs are like time machines.)
While sitting in the drive through at In-N-Out, the car died again. And this time, it did not start up again miraculously.
So basically we were stranded at the mall.
Now, I don't know what laws of economics are in play in Salt Lake City, but for whatever reason, Valley Fair Mall is perhaps the strangest mall I've ever seen. Where most malls have a string of predictable common stores selling popular goods (I can't name these stores--I don't really go to malls very much), Valley Fair Mall has really odd wannabe versions of those stores with catchy names like "Bedazzled" and "Eyebrow Miracle". The most awkward of those stores is the lingerie store called "Husband and Wife".
I'm not kidding you.
So, there we were, Jenni, Justin and I (and their two kids Alice and Parley) wandering around, waiting for our ride. We wanted to find a place where we could let Alice roam and we soon found ourselves in a randomly chosen store.
So what you're saying is that everything IN this store is either a dollar or not a dollar. That makes it entirely different than every other store!
Jenni and were standing there talking in an aisle. Suddenly, we became aware of what we were standing next to.
As seen on TV! In 1987!
We kind of couldn't believe what we were looking at. It was a Waist Trimmer that appeared to be from an infomercial in the 80's. And it was priced at $6.95 and $14.95. (For those unfamiliar with business and sales, that's a little trick to distract you from the fact that the implication of the store title is that everything should be around a dollar.)
It was at this point that Jenni and I realized that this store was amazing.
Our time waiting for a ride suddenly became a contest to see who could find the most ridiculous merchandise. The following is some of the best of what we found, documented by photo because if it wasn't, it would be too ludicrous to believe.
Let's start with the underwear section.
First off, we have these:
I don't know about you, but when I buy over-sized granny panties, I definitely favor the ones that have little green bears on the back. It makes taking a dump WAY cuter!
Fittingly, I think the middle bear is actually squatting to defecate (while the other two watch?).
Oh, and one more in the front. Plus a little green bow. SEXY.
But if you think those bear panties were a dream, wait till you get a load of this G-string!
It's possible somebody needs a lesson in what "G-string" means.
Soon, we were done looking at intimates and we moved on to other things.
Jenni found a purse. Made of glass.
"The thing I'm most interested in in a hand bag is finding one that will literally shatter to pieces at the slightest jostle."
I stumbled upon a a "dog collar".
Where when I say "dog" I actually mean "T-rex"
Soon, Justin was helping too. The hits just kept coming.
We found a double glue pack!
Yes, on the left you have your glue, and on the right you have your glue stick. Strangely I had always thought of a glue stick as a stick of glue. Silly me!
Somebody made a mistake here.
I just don't understand why these aren't selling like hot cakes? Who DOESN'T need exterior palm support?
Some masterpieces go totally unappreciated.
What's that? You want to read the back flap of "Growing Pains?" Sure!
I'm biting my nails just THINKING about how Sandra might have learned her big lesson about popularity not being everything! (I think it might have something to do with her broken foot.)
Hey, girl with the Neck Rest. 1988 called and they want their feathered hair back. Oh, and they also want their Neck Rest back. Oh screw it. Does anybody have a time machine so we can take this thing back home? (Also, what better place to read a magazine than in the driver's seat of your vehicle. While wearing a neck brace.)
We were winding down because Allison and Spencer, our ride, were about to get there. However, before we left, we found one more awesome gem... perhaps my favorite find of the evening.
Wow, this hardware set sounds really fancy! I can't wait to utilize their variety, credible, quality broad purpose. Let's turn it over and see what hardware we get in thi...
Wait. I don't understand. These are... glue sticks. Not hardware.
"Caution: Extremely Sharp Blades--Handle With Care."
Yes. One should always be careful when handling room-temperature hot glue. Because of the sharp blades.
At about this point, Alli and Spencer arrived, and it was time to go.
But I will always remember. I'll always, always remember that if I need an infomercial product from the 80's, or if I need a glue stick that's actually a bottle, or a glass purse, or a g-string, I can find it at All a Buck & More!
It might be my favorite store ever.
Also HEADS UP! my friend Wendel is planning to do a publicity stunt for me this weekend. It's probably going to knock your socks off. (Hint: it involves his truck and his move to Arizona.) So, get ready for that! There may or may not be live-tweeting involved.
And finally, Happy Thanksgiving!!!