Tuesday, November 8, 2011

And that's why I'm a sex worker and not an auto-mechanic

I wrote most of this last Thursday during my trip to Utahr, but then I got distracted by something really important, probably either a movie or a meal or the variegated color of my arm hair.


I'm in Utah right now attending a conference about sex addiction.  Because I'm going to specialize in that. Which means that I'm a sex worker.

While here, my sister Jenni and her husband Justin were nice enough to volunteer to shuttle me around and allow me to stay at their house. This means that I didn't have to pay to stay at the hotel where the conference is being held, which as it turns out is also the hotel I lost my virginity aka spent my wedding night in so really it's very fitting that I would spend three days talking about sex there, right? Except we're talking about sex addiction. Not ending 22 solid years of virginity to consummate a marriage. But let's not sweat the details here, folks.

The Crystal Inn. Where I lost my virginity, and then went to a sex addiction workshop a decade later.

Tonight when I got done with eight hours of intensive training, Jenni called me as she approached the hotel. Her car had died, and she was at the side of the road.

I don't know about you, but like most guys I know who write poetry and play the violin, I don't know the first thing about cars. Yet, at the same time, because I'm a guy I feel an unspoken responsibility to not only know about cars, but to help women who are broken down in them. Most especially when those women are my sister. And also my ride home.

Miraculously Unfortunately, she was too far away for me to walk over and meet her, so I tried my best to give her advice over the phone. "I think you should... check the gas gauge. Do you have gas?" I asked. She did. She had filled up the tank the day before. At about that time, I heard a guy talking to her asking "Do you need any help?" and so I panicked and yelled "Hang up with me so you look more damsel in distressy so they help you!" and then hung up on her.

Because I'm a hero.

When she called back she reported that he helped her push the car into a parking space nearby and then left. So she was officially stranded with two kids in the car.

Awesome.

Justin, who was busy riding his motorcycle/dirtbike/crotchrocket/motorcade/bike thingamajig--you know one of those things with two wheels that can go on jumps and stuff--after a long day of being a lawyer, eventually came to the rescue. He picked me up and we drove over to Jenni and the kids. They were stranded by a restaurant called Scaddy's (which is probably the worst choice in names for a restaurant ever selected because it sounds similar to an incredibly large number of repulsive words. Scabbies, Scabies, scab, crab, cabbies, cat, scat... shall I continue???). We got out, said hello to the car's occupants, and then we men went over to the car to diagnose the problem

Imagine this scenario. Justin is decked out in his biking gear. He's covered in mud. He just got back from jumping life-endangering jumps on a track. He casually shows us his injuries from where he wrecked earlier that day. There was blood involved. He didn't give a crap.

I, on the other hand, am shivering cold in a button-up shirt and hoodie jacket thing. I just got back from a conference where I saw grown men weeping openly, and where there was more talk about feelings than a book club filled with pregnant women discussing The Notebook

One of these things is not like the other. Nonetheless, we went around to the hood so that "we" could fix the car.


Justin: Hey man, will you hold the hood up.

Me: Sure. Did you know in England they call this the bonnet?

Justin: *ignores me as he messes with some plugs and stuff*

Me: I bet I could make a good joke about it being the bonnet...

Justin (to Jenni): Go ahead and start it up!

*whir, whir, whir, whir* *whir, whir, whir, whir*

Me: Sounds like this car got its bonnet strings in a knot! *stifles laughter* *looks around to see if anyone heard the joke*

Justin: This just doesn't make any sense. (to Jenni): start it again!

*whir, whir, whir, whir*

Me: Well, I for one think it might be..

Justin (to himself): I wonder if it's the spark plug.

Me: I was literally about to say spark plug! And I'm actually totally serious. Because that's the only engine part I can name. Besides "engine." Oh, and alternator. That's in the engine, right?

Justin (to Jenni): One more time please!

*whir, whir, whir, whir*

Justin: (shakes head solemnly) 

Me: (resists the urge to give Justin a hug of comfort)

Justin: Hey, Josh can you...

Me: Continue writing a poem about this dead car in my brain right now? Sure.

Justin: No, not that. Could you lift the hood off my head, please.

Me: Oh. Yes, of course. I forgot I was holding it for you!

Justin: ...Could you also stop hugging me.

Me: But you need a warm hug! You just lost a friend! *sniffles*

Justin: You are making me uncomfortable.

Me: Hug it out, Justin. Shhhhh. Just hug it out. *starts rubbing his back tenderly*

Justin: Please stop touching me. You're not making things better.

Me: Or am I?

Justin: No.

Me: Just a little bit?

Justin: *walks away to call a buddy to come pick us up, shuddering violently*

Me: ...I think he really needed that. (decided head nod)

See, I could never make it as an auto-mechanic because I just feel too deeply.

Which is why I became a sex worker.

Stay tuned for part II of the car breakdown story where we break down again two days later at the mall and while we're waiting for our ride we enter the coolest most hilarious store I've ever seen.  There are pictures!





21 comments:

  1. LOLOLOLOL Honestly, Weed, you make me cry laughing sometimes. I love knowing my husband isn't the only guy in the world who has ZERO KNOWLEDGE about fixing cars.

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  2. "where there was more talk about feelings than a book club filled with pregnant women discussing The Notebook."

    As someone who belongs to a book club where someone is invariably always pregnant, that made me snort with laughter. Not a bad way to start the day, Josh Weed.

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  3. Cool story! Incidentally, last week husband and I wound up pushing the car when we ran out of gas. LOL

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  4. I lost it when you began rubbing his back tenderly. Thanks for this, Josh.
    (Incidentally, the two items in an automobile I know what it's like to break are the clutch cable and the alternator, so those are always my suggestions whenever something is wrong with a car. Even when that car does not have a clutch.)

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  5. And I agree that Scaddy's is a terrible name for a restaurant. Bad word associations is why I hate the word fecund--it always makes me think of feces. Ew.

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  6. never a dull moment in the Life of the Weed... but there sure a lot of awkward ones....

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  7. @Amy--And I'm glad to know that *I'm* not the only one. I'm pretty sure we should form a support group. Which will be amazing until one of us breaks down on the way there.

    @Tamsin--What can I say, other than that I'm a giver? A sex worker, and a giver. And an autophobe.

    @Wilma--I have been there before as well!

    @Loradona--You're welcome! Also, clutch cable! That's a good one. *write it down for future use*

    @Loradona again--Fecund. I agree. I've always thought the same thing. And of course, the ever classic exacerbate.

    @Katie--Awkward? Not to be obtuse, but I didn't realize anything in this post was awkward.

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  8. I am never going to be able to think or say the word exacerbate again. HILarious.

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  9. sex-trade is definitely where you need to be. I don't think auto-mechanics even know they have tear ducts.

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  10. haha as always you have me giggling

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  11. @anonymous--haha, yeah, that's a classic for sure.

    @Taren--I can't deny that I seem to fallen into something that suits me very well...

    @becca--Awesome! Thanks, as always, for reading ;-)

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  12. This is hilarious. YOU are hilarious. Thanks for the laugh :)

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  13. So true, women always think men are supposed to know about cars, fixing garbage disposals, smacking spiders... come to think of it, those are definitely things I appreciate in my husband -- not because I CANT do those things, but because I like it better when he does them. There's something kind of hot about a guy changing a tire... Funny post -- you always make me laugh. :)

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  14. @Emily G--And than YOU for the really nice comment ;-)

    @Jessica--Is there something kind of hot about a guy having AAA on speed dial? Because I could see that being pretty hot after getting a flat tire--me courageously pulling out my phone and calling someone else to change my tire. I'm a regular casanova.

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  15. Love, love, love it. Although I remember feeling really cool when this happened, I feel way cooler after reading your account of the events. Can't wait to read part II

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  16. This was hilarious! I think I almost woke up the kids I was laughing so hard.

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  17. scaddies is just an awful name for a restaurant! they could have named it congealed scaddies to really make it sound appealing.
    btw, first time here & i'd like to say that i enjoyed you. so thanks for that and i'll be following you now.

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  18. @JustinP--Yeah, I suspected you felt pretty awesome that day. *long distance hug*

    @Cathenia--Ha! Sorry to make you wake up the kids ;-)

    @SherilinR--Why thank you! I'm so glad you came by. And you are correct, congealed scaddies would probably seal the deal. The deal of me vomiting everywhere, ha.

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  19. You should have gone inside Scaddy's and had something to eat. It is so so good, but then, I might think that because I had their food before I heard the name. Since then, I have never thought of a scab or anything, because the food is so UN-scabby (UN-cat, UN-cabby, etc.). P.S. I liked your Unicorn post. Over and out.

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  20. It must be fate that I read this post today, because the fam & I are headed to SLC tomorrow & staying at the Crystal Inn MidValley... I think I recognize the sign!

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