I sure do. And it's a weird one. In fact, if you are a medical professional and want to give me a tip about what the crap is going on with me, feel free to share.
And then my body revolted. Out of nowhere, I found myself hunched over a toilet, not vomiting, but instead watching saliva pour out of my mouth like I was some sort of faucet.
It was kind of like my tummy decided that bananas were arsenic and that the best way to get rid of the horrific effects was to send my salivary glands into a panicked frenzy of activity. So, I spent the next hour or so in the bathroom drooling a continuous flow of spit, feeling a discomfort that could be described as nothing short of really, really, annoying.
The problem was that this was a banana, something I'd eaten probably thousands of over the course of my lifetime. So it was very difficult for my brain to believe that there was actually a problem. "It was all a fluke," I'd say the next time somebody served me something like a banana split. And then I'd eat it, and spent the next hour in the bathroom doing an imitation of this:
only with saliva into a toilet.
100% not fun. And 100% disgusting.
So, after about six successive incidents of me convincing myself that I was faking it for attention, I finally got the picture: this banana allergy was real, and I was going to have to stop eating bananas. Which was sad, because bananas are delicious, and also really convenient, and also I only learned like one year before this that it's much more efficient to unpeel a banana starting at the dark stub on the bottom, and so it was like, wow, all those wasted years and now I don't get to even enjoy my new-found discovery.
Life can be downright vicious and cruel sometimes.
Anyway, cut to nowish, where by nowish I mean last summer when I actually started writing this post and then forgot about it:
One day last summer I tried my wife's protein shake and didn't have The Reaction even though it had ripe banana in it. I was stunned and cautiously optimistic. I decided to test things out, so I cut up a banana into minuscule pieces, and ate them progressively waiting for the need to run to the bathroom and become a faucet, but it never hit.
Amazingly, my allergy had disappeared!!!
Or had it?
Later that week as I drove in to work I ate a protein bar. This particular day of work was a crunch-time situation--I had to finish a bunch of files before I ended my position as a mental health counselor at a middle school (news alert! The Weed was behind on paperwork!)--and so I walked to my office and got busy right away.
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, my banana allergy hadn't really left. It had just re-incarnated itself and was now a protein bar allergy, and unfortunately I had just gotten done stuffing my face with a big ol' protein bar. My sudden need to salivate became so intense that I grabbed an empty water bottle near me and started salivating into it. And then the desperation of the moment--needing to finish those files-- led me to think, "hey, this isn't so bad. Maybe I can work through this so I can make sure to get these files done."
So I drooled. I drooled and drooled and drooled. For twenty minutes straight I drooled.
And when the need to salivate dissipated, I looked down, and my water bottle was nearly half full. Half full of drool from my body. I had literally made the substance filling half of that water bottle.
I don't know if you know this about spit, but it is of a very strange consistency when pooled in a bottle. It verges on gelatinous.
What's that you say? You want to see a picture of my bottle of drool? (Did you hear that faint clicking sound in the distance? That was the sound of half of my readership closing out of this screen in a panic.)
Of course you can!
The thing that's special and also really disappointing about this picture is the fact that I have saved this bottle since last summer, so a portion of the saliva has evaporated, and also, you are looking at fluid was excreted from my body three months ago, which is pretty awesome and also pretty nasty.
Yuletide Saliva-Bottle Photo Op? SURE!
Merry Christmas! ~from my salivary gland, to yours~
No sugar or preservatives!
In conclusion: never offer me a protein bar unless you want to see me become a garden hose of drool. And probably you should double check any bottle of water I offer you. I'm serious. Double check. Or you very well might swallow slime manufactured by glands located under my tongue. And then you'll kind of feel like you kissed me, except without all the good stuff. And believe me when I say: I'm really good at the good stuff. So you would be missing out in a big way. Aaand, you'd have my spit in your mouth.