Saturday, December 31, 2011

Yuletide Greetings!! (Year Two) (And While We're At It, Happy New Year!)

It's still barely December, right? So a Christmas card is still completely appropriate, right?

Thought so.

Er, what I meant to say was that this tardiness was a very strategic calculation, because naturally you thought your onslaught of Christmas greetings had ended, and so naturally this one comes as a wonderfully pleasant surprise, and so naturally you're going to relish in its Yuletide message of bragging and exploitation! Yay!

2011 has been a... year.

Let's break it down child by child, yo.

Tessa (1): Lil' Miss T had an amazing year this year. For one thing, she learned how to crawl and walk, which are both pretty huge accomplishments when you consider that not 14 months ago the only movement she was doing was swimming in a big pool of amniotic fluid and her own urine. She also has surprised us by learning to dance. Not joking. She actually dances. Don't believe me? Here's a video where we convince her to dance by singing Christmas tunes that are so cheesy you might be confused for a moment and think you're on the phone waiting to talk to a Customer Service Representative. Or perhaps in Hell.

The first part, she dances a lot. Then we try to get her to dance more by singing increasingly weird stuff. Then she dances for two more seconds before freaking out.

Besides walking, crawling and dancing, T also signs now. Her vocabulary consists of one word: "More." She's done it approximately twice. We win the parenting prize for "most neglectful of the educational needs of the third-born."

Viva (3): Our little Le France had a magnificent year. Probably her greatest achievement this year was to become a fashion snob. Don't worry. She's probably only judging your fashion choices just a little bit--she still likes you as a person despite whatever trash you choose to wear out in public.

As it turns out, her stylistic preferences are pretty specific. She insists on having her hair in a pony-tail every single day. She also wishes to wear a pink tutu daily. The same pink tutu. Every single day. (For Christmas she got a black tutu. It met her approval, and she squealed and squealed in delight.We considered it a Christmas miracle.) In addition to her outfit preferences, Viva also has decided that it's time to accessorize. Bracelets, necklaces, the occasional subtle drawing of "make-up" on her face with a marker--the works. She asks to get her ears pierced at least once a week. Then Wife tells her about how that would require a needle to poke a hole through the flesh of her ear, and she says "how about just a clip-on!"

She's also continued her legacy of being both charming and destructive. So far during our trip to California to visit Wife's parents she has systematically destroyed: a Goofy telephone, a glass Christmas ornament, a candle holder, the actual ride Dumbo at Disneyland (seriously--she shut it down for hours--another story for another day), the Carousel at Disneyland (seriously, again) and, last of all, the toilet. And, unsurprisingly, she does it all with a smile on her face so winsome that it charms anybody affected by her destruction into falling in love with her.

Some things never change.  

Anna: This year, our Anna developed a thirst for blood, and we couldn't be more horrified or proud. It all started when a totally innocent conversation about Disney's Bambi turned into a chilling discussion of hunting and cannibalism. Since then, her blood lust has emerged many times, and I think we might have a real animal-slaughterer on our hands! Most recently, Wife and she were riding in the car and they saw a chipmunk run across the street. The following conversation then ensued:

Anna: Mom, will you tell me a story about that chipmunk?

Wife: Oh, sure sweety!? Would you like it to be a Christmas story?

Anna: Yes!

Wife: Okay. I think that maybe that little chipmunk ran across the road because it is going out looking for an acorn for his Christmas dinner...

Anna: Mommy, I want to tell you the story about the chipmunk.

Wife: Okay, sweetheart...

Anna: I want to tell you a story about a hunter who wants to kill that little chipmunk...

Wife: *look of horror*

Wife changed the subject before Anna could complete her tale, but we're pretty sure it would have been filled with gross imagery of slaughter and blood and death. We're so proud!

Wife (33): Well, Wife, as always, reports that nothing really huge happened this year for her. (This is bull-crap, of course--the woman watches three children day in and day out without ever, ever letting them die and also while not losing her ever-loving mind.) She did point out that she now keeps the books for my private practice. What this means is that our relationship has taken on a whole new component--one in which I am the creepy, over-sharing boss who makes bad jokes and she is the sassy young receptionist who gets tired of cleaning up my messes. Let me assure you, this makes for some interesting date-nights. (Thankfully, no sexual harassment charges have been filed.) More than anything, Wife is pleased that we kept our New Year's Resolution of 2011: we did not get pregnant. Hallelujuh. Will we make it through 2012? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

 The Weed (31): quit his job as a therapist in a middle school to focus on not having insurance or retirement meeting the needs of his private practice. It is going swimmingly. Also, against all odds, and spitting in the very face of his ADD, he has successfully maintained a blog for an entire year! You are reading it. He would love you to keep reading it. If you like it. But don't feel pressured.  Seriously. I can see you getting anxious. *puts finger over your mouth* Shhhhhhhhh. It's oookay. You don't need to feel forced. I'll still be your friend if you never come back here. Unless I don't know you. In which case I won't be your friend, but I also won't hate you. Because that's what Christmas is all about: forgiving your enemy, and not hating those who despise your blog.


Let's close this sucker out with a family photo:

Nothing says "Happy Holidays" quite like a random photo taken yesterday at the Mormon Battalion Memorial in San Diego!


  1. Love it. Wendel is asleep and I am reading your blog as the clock is about to strike twelve. Happy New Year Weeds!

  2. I think our oldest children are meant to be friends. My oldest son told me the other day he wants a truck when he grows up. Which I thought was kind of cute until he told me he wanted it so he could put all the things he hunts, shoots, and kills in the back of it. He also told me a couple of years ago while traveling to Utah in the Fall and seeing changing leaves for the first time (we live in the desert so we don't see that kind of stuff) that he wanted to take a walk in the mountains...which again, I thought was cute until he told me his real intent: to go hunting. My husband doesn't even hunt! Where do they come up with this stuff?! It's disturbing.

    Happy New Year!

  3. I love reading your blog--it's always fun to read stuff written by someone who is a great writer. (Especially when I'm not.) Merry Christmas!

  4. Best and most unique Christmas letter I think I've read :) Next trip needs to be to Utah! We miss the Weeds!

  5. Random blog follower says: Dumbo story please! Happy New Year!

  6. favorite line..."without ever, ever letting them die"!

    I'm also rethinking this whole preschool thing with Miss I Heart to Destroy....what do I need to Viva-proof?