Thursday, January 26, 2012

I put the "pathetic" in empathetic

Is it just me, or does sometimes the world get you down, too?

I'm an empathetic person. I mean, look at me. Counselor. Father of daughters. Owner of a Hyundai. The guy who can't let go of friends' problems ever ever ever.

Let's say someone I know well has a problem--like, they are getting divorced. Or they've had a death in the family. Or they really sprained their ankle bad. Because I'm an empathetic person, I have a strong reaction to this kind of news.

It sucks.

Most guys hear about a problem around them and they're like "Wow, that blows. Well, I'll see you later. I'm gonna go play some football so I can go tackle any pathetic fool who crosses my path. Don't wait up. After that I'll be at a monster truck rally. Followed by shooting guns. Followed by having a conversation with some buddies about who will win the Superbowl. Followed by eating some nachos. Followed by not giving a crap. Followed by farting. Followed by sleep."

I, on the other hand, am like "perhaps it would be a good idea to think about this situation I can do nothing about endlessly, all day, every day. While I'm at it, maybe it can be inspiration for a sonnet..." *pens a ridiculous poem* "There. Wow, I feel... so much worse. And also my sonnet sucks. I think I'll go drown out my sorrow by playing sad songs on my violin for a minute or two... *three hours later* Yeah. That didn't help anything. Everything is exactly the way it was before I started playing the violin. I can't believe doing that didn't impact the lives of the people that aren't me that I can't get out of my brain. Oh, wait, I know! I'll write 18 emails I'll never send! That might help. *writes 30 drafts of a belabored, overwrought email so sappy, maudlin and ridiculous even the computer screen looks embarrassed* "Yeah. I still feel like crap. Welp, time to turn to my one true friend and the only coping mechanism that has ever really helped me feel better: food." *eats four gallons of ice cream in one sitting while trying to cheer up by watching Modern Family*

And what I just described? That's my reaction to hearing that someone I know got a D on a final they studied hard for. You can imagine how this looks when it's something serious. Like a hangnail. Or suicidal ideation.

 As I pondered your situation for 79 hours straight, I decided to quilt you a quick something to say "I'm so sorry about your recent life event."

(Photo attribution: here)

You might say I put the "pathetic" in empathetic.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one.

Am I the only one who, when he encounters a mass murder in the news, feels that it is important to go through the story of each individual victim and visualize how they must have felt in the moment of their demise? You know, just so they didn't die in vain. Because me imagining myself being shot in the face validates their brutal murder. Obviously.

Am I the only one who searches out stories of severe child abuse online, and then obsesses over what he reads to the point where the stories actually enter his dreams, and then finds himself hovering over his daughters like some sort of insane humming bird intent on being awkward and protective?

Am I the only one who feels sad for really lonely things--like the last milk carton left in the store freezer? Or a lone fly buzzing around my house in the late summer, surely the last of the year, all alone, never again to find a huge pile of feces to feast upon? Or certain musical instruments that are rarely played such as the autoharp? Or jello molds? Or Myspace?

These are the questions that keep me up at night, feeling all blue.

But then occasionally, penetrating through the cloud of worry and sadness and empathy that surrounds me, I have a reader who comes into my life and makes me laugh really, really hard.

Today that reader was a guy I've never met named Chris who randomly decided to email me with a very special surprise. Remember this post in which Wife has a conversation with me and we talk about getting a new logo and she basically insinuates I'm ugly and then I take the most heinous picture of myself possible and propose it for my new logo?

Well, check this sucker out:

I don't think I can tell you how much I needed to see a masthead with the ugliest photo ever taken of me made by someone I've never met, that happens to perfectly encapsulate everything this blog is. Completely made my night.

Thanks Chris Perry. You are my new favorite person. And if you have a blog, I want to link to it in this post. But one thing you have in spades? A sense of humor, and some mad photoshop skillz.

I'm seriously considering making this my logo. It might happen if I can figure out how to do it. (Shouldn't I know how to do this type of thing by now, you ask? No. I have empathy. Not technological prowess. So leave me the H alone.)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Sometimes when you're five... get a hankering to make a video about Martin Luther King, Jr.

During some of the time off that we had this week because Seattle has become Alaska, Anna wanted to make a video about Martin Luther King, Jr. So, Wife helped her and they made a video that actually kind of touched me. It's really short, and it has good information. Like that Martin Luther King did not, in fact, free the slaves like about 35% the Facebook statuses I saw on Monday claimed. Nope... what he did was different than that.

Here, watch. Make my 5-year-old's dream of people seeing this video come true.

There. I'm pretty sure we just made America better.

In other news, after the fact, I came up with the best idea ever for my picture from last post:

This picture would be perfect for an ad for Viagra. Or for a doctor who specializes in E.D. So, if you peddle either of those things, call me! *does air phone* 
And finally, I wanted to mention that The Ultimate Foreplaylist is still under construction, but soon it will be up and we will change the world with THAT too.

So, so far in this post we have made America better, helped those with ED, and aided with intimacy. (Which is kinda the same thing. But different.)

Not bad for a quick post at 1:30 in the morning. Go us.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Christmas spirit is still alive. In this thong.

If you'll recall, last year I got the most awkward white elephant gift known to man at a Christmas party.

This vibrator filled me with the Yuletide spirit

Well, guess what?

I got another incredibly awkward gift this year at the SAME party (from the SAME person, even though it's a numbered gift exchange and the chances of that happening were extremely minute. See? Miracles do happen).

Are you ready for this?

Feast your eyes on:

 Santa Banana Hammock!!!!!

(Actually it was awesomely awkward because it ended up being wife who stole it, so it really just looked like her Christmas wish was to see me in it.) 

I know, I know. You're extremely disappointed that I didn't model it for you, because that would be hilarious and arousing--a potent combination. Unfortunately, I am nothing if not a modest man, so I opted to save you from  feeling your retinas burn out of your eye sockets having to make sure you were in the privacy of your own home to read this post. But to make up for it, I took pictures of it in a couple of Christmas arrangments so that the Christmas spirit can be rekindled in your heart.

Because I'm a giver. 

...and popcorn chains, and ornaments, and a male thong with bells on it...

 I don't think a more important message could be holding that G-string up on that shelf...

Merry Christmas! <-----You probably don't remember, but last year the vibrator wished you a Merry Christmas in 2011 since it was already past Christmas. So now you can tell people that a male thong wished you a Merry Christmas for 2012! Lucky you.

(PS, those of you who were around last year might remember that shortly after showing off my vibrator white elephant gift, I did a giveaway because of hitting 100 followers, and actually gave it away to someone (along with other prizes). If you'll look to your right, you'll note I reached another follower milestone. Not going to make any promises, but I bet you can guess what I'm contemplating.... get excited!!!)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Conversation snippet #2: Songs that get you "in the mood"

The following conversation happened as Wife got home from hanging out with some friends. Kiiinda makes you wonder what they were talking about during "girl time."

Wife: I have an idea for a post on your blog...

Me: Oh really?

Wife: Yeah. I think you should do a post on what songs get people "in the mood."

Me: Uh... you realize I write a humor blog, right? Not a sex blog.

Wife: Sure. Whatever. You should do it anyway.

Me: Okay... but how can I make that funny?

Wife: It doesn't have to be funny. I just want to know. *dramatic sexual look*

Me: That "come hither" look is fake, isn't it?

Wife: Listen. Let's just say hypothetically speaking that I would want to make you a mix tape of songs that get us "in the mood." I just want to know what songs to put on such a tape.

Me: Okay, first of all, we're no longer in the 80's. Nobody makes mix tapes. They make playlists. Second, you don't want to make me a mix tape. You want to make you a mix tape so you can think lascivious thoughts while thinking about black men named Lionel Richie. Let's just be real here.

Wife: For your information the song I have been singing in my head all day that made me think of this is not by Lionel Richie. It's by Janet Jackson.

Me: Oh, is it that song that we sang at the lunch table in junior high together that made all of our friends uncomfortable...  *starts singing and Wife chimes in* "making love to you, oh it felt so good and ooooooh so riiiight..."

(Aside: we seriously did that. I was in 8th grade and Wife was in 9th grade and she was the illustrious Student Body President of Thomas Jefferson Junior High. So I was basically singing a song with royalty.)

Wife: No. It's... not that one.

Me: Wait, what other Janet Jackson song gets you "in the mood"?

Wife: *hesitates*

Me: Oh, you've gotta tell me now. I have to know this for emergencies.

Wife: *pulls it up on Youtube and presses play*

Me: Okay, so the Janet Jackson song that you would put on your playlist to get you in the mood is called "Let's Wait Awhile?"

Wife: Yes...

Me: Are you listening to these lyrics? She just said "Let's wait a while before we go too far." This song is a total junk-block.

Wife: But she also says "I promise I'll be worth the wait"...

Me: This is probably the only song Janet Jackson ever sang about abstinence. She sings some of the most graphic sexual lyrics out there, and you choose her abstinence anthem for your foreplaylist? I am so confused right now...

Wife: Mmmmm. Just listen to that sultry beat... that sexy synthesizer...*nods head*

Me:  Oh, oooooh. I see.  Are you sure this has nothing to do with that black guy wearing a turtleneck in the video that looks vaguely like Lionel Richie from the 80's?

Wife: JUST ASK THE QUESTION ON YOUR BLOG! And mention some of my other playlist songs so that people don't think I'm stupid.

Me: Yes, I'm sure mentioning your other songs will change people's perceptions entirely. What kinds of other songs are you talking about?

Wife: Like.... Radiohead's Reckoner. Or... oh man, what was that one song that that one dude sang???

Me: ...I'm beginning to see why you need others' input.

Wife: Please, Toniferous Weedles? Please just ask!

Me: Okay. I'll do it.

(I have the feeling this will be good for me in the long run.)

So, you heard the woman. What song would go on your "in the mood" playlist (aka foreplaylist)? Don't be shy. You know you have one or two. (Even you Sister Warner.)

(Now if you'll excuse me... *lights a fire, turns down lights, applies chapstick and deodorant, then blasts "Let's Wait Awhile"*)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

For all the skeptics and haterzz

that I make up in my head, because nobody has actually been skeptical or haterish.

BUT, here is proof that the Bambi Nuggets conversation actually happened. The other night as I was putting A to bed, she started talking about it again, and this time I had the wherewithal to bust out my phone and record it.

Enjoy the creepiness!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Conversation Snippet #1--My Logo

Today in the car:

Me: I think I need a new masthead for the blog for the new year. Something that captures my essence. Something that maybe involves a picture of me.

Wife: You want a picture of you as your masthead?

Me: Yeah... I just think it will clarify my image. You know... "The Weed". And then a picture of the The Weed. Just in case people think this is a website about the finest hashish. Or dandelions.

Wife: So, you think putting your picture next to the phrase "The Weed" will clarify to newcomers that this is a humor blog, and not a blog about drugs, even though the subtitle of the blog says it's about drugs?

Me: Yes. People will totally get it.  They will see my face and think "it's time to read about colonoscopies and Bambi nuggets." Actually, no, on second thought I need my picture to evoke nothing about colonoscopies. It needs to be attractive. People are more likely to enjoy a picture if it's attractive.

Wife: ...It doesn't have to be attractive.

Me: Yeah, but I want it to be attractive. It's going to represent me.

Wife: ...but... it doesn't necessarily have to be attractive. Napoleon Dynamite wasn't attractive.

Me: Wait... did you just compare me to Napoleon dynamite?

Wife: No...

Me: Why are you so insistent it can be unattractive? You don't think I can even manage an attractive masthead photo, do you!?

Wife: No, no, no, that's totally not it! I fully believe in your attractiveness... I think you are very attractive. I married you!

Me: ...alright.

Wife: What we should really do is hire a professional to make the logo. A photographer. Someone who's an expert in Photoshop.

Me: *looks at her askance*

Wife: ...I didn't mean it like that! Seriously, I just think we need... oh, never mind.


Anyway, here's the photo I was thinking of using, no thanks to Wife and her doubts about me. Let me know if you think it'll work.

The Weed

And in case anybody's wondering *looks suspiciously at wife* this photo was not Photoshopped at all. I just took it on my phone five seconds ago. This is the real, natural me. And what better way to introduce new readers to my blog than that, you know what I'm sayin'?