Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wednesday Check In

I wrote this post last night. It's a post that I decided to scrap, but now I've decided to post it so I can get the "post something!!!!" monkey off my back while I'm trying to focus.

Today I'm writing. All day. It's a mess, and shiz just got real up in here in my office. Pray for me. Pray that my mind will focus and that the words will come right.

Writing is hard. It's also amazing and exhilarating. But it's hard.

I stole this free-to-use photo of a pencil and paper off of the internet to symbolize writing even though I haven't written using a pencil on blank paper since approximately grade-school. I did this because I really don't want to PAY for a picture of someone using a computer. Effective, yes?
Photo attribution: here

All right, here's last night's post:


When running groups, we sex-addiction therapists always have a check-in with our clients. The check-in involves a person sharing how he or she is doing spiritually, physically and emotionally. (Caveat: the spirituality piece is not tied to a specific religion, but more tied to however one feels centered and a part of the universe or their higher power.) A person then sets a commitment they plan to keep that week, and follows up on their commitment from the week before.

There is only one real rule for check-in, and that is that you're not allowed to use the word "good" to describe any of your emotions. Because that word is used so often it basically has no meaning.

I've decided that since I'm trying to post every day, I'm going to try "checking in" here on Wednesdays.  I think this will help me in my efforts to keep in touch with my emotions and keep it real. I invite all of you to do a check-in in the comments section as well. No idea if this will stick, but it seems like a good idea right now, so I'm going with it. Who knows, maybe we'll all love doing this? Or maybe nobody will respond, and I'll pretend like this post never happened...

Anyway, on to my check in:

Physically--All right. Physically I'm feeling rested. I got a good amount of sleep last night. I also feel like I want to eat a half gallon of ice cream and use food to numb my emotions. I also feel the need to exercise. I need a good run or a good workout and haven't had one in a few too many days.

Emotionally--I feel like crap. I had an experience today that made me feel really rejected and discriminated against. There's not much I can do about it but just accept the fact that people will think whatever they want to think, and sometimes it isn't fair even though it impacts my life heavily. I'm sure we all have moments where we realize this. It's good. Helps us know our limitations and the limitations of others. I wish I could be more detailed, but I can't. Bottom line is, being "out" has both positive and negative consequences. And today I got a big revolting mouthful of the negative.

Spiritually--I feel hopeful, yet a little disconnected. I am really, really looking forward to General Conference this weekend. I've been going on nice walks around my office building (there's this serene little neighborhood behind it) and reading scriptures/talks/communing but haven't had the chance to in the last couple of days. I hope to tomorrow.

Commitment: I am going to work on my memoir for a total of 15 hours in the next week. At least 8 of those hours will be tomorrow.

All right. There's my check in. If you want to check in and let us all know how things are going, feel free. I'd love to hear how you're doing. Plus, hopefully it will help center you and increase your mental health.

*crickets chirp*

UPDATE: I'm already loving your guys' check-ins so much. Thanks for making me feel not-alone. It's weird, but reading how you guys are doing is really, really nice. Thanks for being vulnerable. I mean it. Means a lot.

184 comments:

  1. Physically--I have been dealing with heartburn lately... or what I hope is heartburn. Sometimes I just wake up with a sore heart (literally), and its annoying. I had an EKG done earlier this year and they said my heart is perfectly healthy. Which leads me to believe that its a stomach problem and/or heartburn problem. Also, the Internet tells me I have cancer :P but seriously, I'm just trying to keep track of what I eat. Since I've been suffering from heartburn (and I have *never* had problems with this before this year), I've had the thoughts,"I hope I'm alive in the morning" every time I go to bed. :P So... I suppose I'm just happy I'm not dead.

    Emotionally--I'm annoyed. And grumpy. Probably as a result of having a heart that likes to bug me from time to time. Besides that, I'm ok. I married to a military man (a pilot to be exact), and he is in training now... so I'm fortunate to see him "often" (meaning more, as opposed to if he was deployed). But I still don't feel like we get to spend a lot of quality time together because he's always studying. As soon as he's done with training, its back into the deployed schedule. *sigh* I know I'm just complaining. Overall, I'm just glad he has a job.

    Spiritually--I'm doing better as of lately. I am usually pretty good at studying my scriptures and writing in my journal about things I think/wonder about. But I usually miss at least one day a week, because I get distracted so easily. But I've made it a goal this past month to write/read/study every single day, regardless of what I am doing (and regardless of whether or not I am traveling <-that seems to be the culprit of my forgetfulness). I'm proud to say I've gone some 40-something days of consistent study. I've been getting some pretty awesome re-affirmations of my testimony lately, which makes me feel like God is aware of the things I am concerned and worry about, in addition to my current situation. I'm grateful for the tender mercies that God blesses me with everyday, even if they are miniscule.

    Commitment--I am going to hang out with people besides my husband more often (at least once a week). I find myself wanting to hold onto what little time I have left before he leaves again for the Middle East, and that makes me feel like I can't/don't want to hang out with other people.

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    2. I understand the need to spend time with your spouse, try getting together with friends for a game night once a week, I've found that this gives me something to look forward to every week and is sooooo worth it! And your comments made me laugh ( in a, I'm so glad I'm not the only one like this, way)

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    3. Your comment about journal keeping reminded me: One of the things I have struggled with is perfectionism: the idea that I have to do something perfectly (it cannot be improved any further) or it's no good at all. I need to remind myself that I cannot earn or increase God's love for me by any actions I take because He already loves me more than I can conceive.
      Usually, when I find myself needing to be perfect at something I'm usually feeling emotionally needy to know I am loved and lovable.
      My comments here may have nothing to do with you. If so, lucky you!

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  2. No matter how many haters there are...you are still loved! <3

    I feel like poop today. I drank a Starbucks energy drink this morning...and I don't think my body likes those extra 'energy' ingredients. :P HOWEVER I did go ahead and make myself go for a walk and got 2.3 miles in...so I feel better. :D

    Emotionally I have a lot on my plate...but that is nothing new. ;) David's Granddaddy is failing and we expect him to pass away any time now. That is hard for me because he has been my Granddaddy too for almost 16 years...but David is taking it particularly hard. This man was his father figure as a child. He was IT. The BOMB. The thing that made David's world turn. It is super hard to watch him just waste away. I hate leaving him alone in the nursing home to die alone...I wanted to stay with him... but the family didn't want that. I just hate to think of him there alone if he has any shred of consciousness left. With my day to day challenges of dealing with my parents and their care...it has been a week. For sure.

    Spiritually I have been working on applying the convicting verses I have been reading and reminding myself to be using softer voice and not yelling at the kids all the time. I tend to let things simmer until I 'splode on someone when they have done something AGAIN for the umpteenth time. :D It is a slow process... but I'm making progress.

    Commitment... Another thing I am working on is broadening our homeschool studies. The kids are getting to the point that elementary curricula is too easy. We are done way to quickly...and I want to add some middle school science in soon. SO to do that I need to work ahead on a "test drive" unit we will be doing later in November. I want to go through it myself now so I can see if it is going to be too hard. (General Science)

    Thanks for the mental health check in Josh. :D <3 Hugs and Lovies to you and ALL your girls.

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  3. I like the idea of a check-in - so here goes....

    Physically - not too shabby - despite four months of chronic headaches I have made a deliberate effort to eat more healthy foods. I already had the exercise thing down (walking in the AM & bike rides in the PM), but I have not been careful w/ food. Let's see how the next week goes...I also need more/better sleep (darn that cat walking all over us at night!)

    Emotionally - pretty happy - loving the job, co-workers, church stuff, hubby, weather, house, cat (esp. the cat!)

    Spiritually - tomato tomatoe - feeling a bit like I'm on a plateau - but looking forward to General Conference & some needed quiet time to re-evaluate myself (every conference I go through 'the list' to see where I'm at w/ things - I rate each item a 1, 2, or 3 - 1 is great, 2 not so much, & 3 stinks - items are prayer, scripture study, service, temple attendance, gossip, finances, loving difficult people (i.e., hubby's ex-wife & kids).

    Commitment - I plan to spend a one hour a day transcribing personal notes from my paper scriptures to my iPad scriptures - I did the OT & part of the NT & then it dropped off my radar. I would like to get it all done (finish NT, BOM, & POGP) by the end of the year.

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  4. This is good for me even if no one really reads it!

    Physically - Well, I'm knocked up for the third time and super excited and freaked out all at the same time. I feel pressure to "make" this one a boy but I'm just happy to have another baby. I've been having issues with this babe that stress me out and I just hope it sticks. 4 more weeks and I'll shout the good news from the rooftops.

    Emotionally - I'm a hormonal basket case feeling overcome with love for just about each person I know and then wanting to punch them in the face two seconds later. My #2 child is two steps up from strong willed and giving me a run for my money. I'm trying each day to keep it emotionally together to try to keep her emotionally together.

    Spiritually - I am at a pretty sweet place right now. I can see God's hand in many places of my life. I could always do better at the simple stuff like reading scriptures and saying prayers but I'm solid in knowing that Jesus is the Christ, the gospel has been restored, the Book of Mormon is true and that we have a prophet today. I've been thinking so much about my patriarchal blessing lately and the first page has some how gone missing. I'm missing that guidance in my life right now.

    Commitment - I commit to doing the "supposed" to stuff in life a little more than I have been. I also commit to trying to find some people who might be in need of a friend in those moments where I personally feel like I'm in need.

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    1. Don't wait! You need it now!
      https://apps.lds.org/pbrequest/security/login.jsf

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  5. Josh, thanks so very much for posting this. Thank you for the invitation to check in... as opposed to checking out, which is what I (and probably many others) tend to do when things get complicated and messy and difficult, which let's face it, is most of the time.

    Physically-- I am at the end of a marathon, metaphorically. I am totally drained of all energy and it takes all my efforts to get out of bed in the morning... well, that's the physical manifestation of my emotional state right now anyway... and I have convinced myself for the third time in a week to go to Sonic and get a ice cream, chili cheese tots and a 44 oz vanilla coke to 'energize'. This only increases the zits on my face and has no affect of my energy to my dismay. And it really ends up hurting my non-gallbladder, IBS system. I really, really should know better.

    Emotionally-- As evident by my physical state, emotionally I am a mess. I am at the tail end of a year without my military husband and going on year two of adopting my half-brother that has major emotional baggage and year 12 of being a mother to children of special needs. I am emotionally drained. Wait? What's a more effective, powerful word than drained? Defeated, maybe? When talking to my husband yesterday, he said "I should have the last of my paperwork by Friday and then I should be able to come home in a week or two. Isn't that exciting?" I said, "eh." He didn't appreciate that reaction. I did my best to explain that I simply don't have the emotional or mental strength to get excited and then possibly have to fight serious disappointment come Friday if it didn't happen. My poor kids are dealing with zombie mom, which wouldn't be too terrible as a temporary set back except that I homeschool them and as I mentioned they have special needs and going a few days in a row with our schedule obliterated isn't making anyone happy. I have just officially announced we are done trying for the week and after getting recharged by General Conference, we'll give it a new go next week.

    Spiritually-- I have been doing awesome. For quite a while, but I'll admit this last two weeks have pushed me to my limit and I am shutting down. Besides the usual daily atypicalness, this week I have had one child run away (in the middle of a rain storm) and another graffiti my house (and by 'my' I mean the landlord's house because we rent). And my husband isn't really any closer to coming home; actually, he is, but without a plane ticket or at least a notion of when, it's hard to feel like he'll actually be home anytime soon. I am feeling very disillusioned and, again, defeated. Having a hard time finding hope and then I'm kicking myself in the pants because I hate mopey people. I'm annoy myself just putting this in writing. I did come across a great article by Brad Wilcox late last night though, and it has helped, but I am resisting... because life isn't fair and I should be allowed to pout... which is such an annoying feeling, I want to ignore it, but there it is all the same, even though I don't want to claim it.

    p.s. the article is "His Grace is Sufficient" and can be found online in a BYU speeches search. it's from July 2011.

    Commitment-- I am committing to pull up my big-girl panties, roll up my sleeves and get back to work. I can't stand myself when I am feeling so low. I'm going to take a day to just relax and allow myself to decompress and then I am getting back in the saddle, because I just feel better when I am productive. And I am committing to not shutting my kids out or brushing them aside, something I am guilty of when I am overtaxed, but that I cannot justify. I am going to stop resisting the love and comfort and strength the Lord is holding out to me. I am going to internalize "his grace is sufficient" and allow it to fill in the holes in my heart so that I can function again.

    www.thissideofinvisible-mlm.blogspot.com

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    1. •virtual hug• and enter all the "cheer up" cliches you've heard so often.

      I hope you know that your sacrifices are not going unnoticed. God knows. And has some super awesome amazing stuff coming. Hang in there!!

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    2. >>>>>>HUG<<<<<<<< I can honestly say that any woman I know would have cracked under the pressure you're under. I have soooo many thoughts going through my head to tell you and then I think....she probably doesn't want to hear that...or she's probably heard it before, just know that you are a strong, wonderful, and amazing woman (you might not think that you are but like I mentioned earlier, any other woman would have cracked)

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    3. Thank you both for your encouragement. Clearly, I needed it this week.

      After a great, spiritually uplifting weekend, I am feeling much lighter and ready to tackle whatever life brings next week. I am feeling better prepared to take on life with a "come what may and love it" attitude.

      Thank you again.

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  6. Hi Josh,(*hugs*)

    Physically - more tired and achy than a 38 year-old woman should feel. Chuffed to have droped a belt notch after deciding 4 weeks ago to get fitter and look better at my neice's wedding in Qatar at the end of this month.

    Emotionally - feeling particuarly close to and affctionate with my husband these days. We have been paying a lot of attention to each other's needs of late and so I'm feeling quite loved up.

    Spiritually - loving my new calling as a seminary teacher and loving what that has done for my own study habits and my spirituality. I am really hungering to feast on the word and loving it.

    Commitment - another belt notch.

    Josh, I'm so sorry to hear you have had such a negative experience and I hope the hurt heals quickly.

    I once drafted (I don't think I ever posted) a FOLS question asking if much had changed in your interactions in your congregation since your coming out and whether you had any suggestion that you had limited your church 'career' somehow.

    Also looking forward to General Conference muchly.

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  8. It's hard for me to focus to do a check-in because mostly I'm just excited to have read the words MEMOIR on your blog. I'm hoping this means in a year or two or whatever, we will get a lot more Josh Weed awesomeness? Great!!!

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  9. It must be hard to have your name had for good and evil. Could it possibly help you to know how much of a difference for good you have made in my mixed marriage? (Please ignore my use of the non-meaningful word "good" in that last sentence.)
    From, Team Josh Weed

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  10. I'm a lurker, so you've never heard from me, but since you're looking for somebody to dump stuff on you, nay, I say even *asking* for it, here goes.

    Physically--Pretty good. I have a progressive disease that feels like a black cloud that follows me everywhere I go. Somedays it leaves me in pain, lots of days it leaves me terrified when I think of the future, but every day it makes me exercise, because exercise helps the pain (and everything else, they tell me). Exercise makes my body feel *and* look good, which means that SOME days, I look at myself and go, "Damn, I'm hot." Today was one of those days. Those days feel nice.

    Emotionally--very worried. My daughter is struggling at school, and I don't know how to fix that. I have a lot of voices giving me a lot of advice, and I don't know which is the right one to listen to. All the while my sweet daughter is hurting, and I'm caught between that hard space of rushing in to save her like only a mother can, and sitting back and letting her figure it out so she can be a better and stronger person for solving her own problems. The whole thing makes me cry a lot.

    Spiritually--okay. Went to a lovely funeral yesterday for a 91 year old woman in our ward who I am pretty sure was a saint (no, really), and while I wept for her loss, I also was inspired to be the kind of person she was. It was a sparsely attended funeral, and while that made me sad, it also made me realize that sometimes the most amazing people live pretty anonymous lives, and you don't have to accomplish amazing things to still have an impact on others in this life.

    Oh, and my calling stresses me out.

    Commitment-Make a decision one way or the other regarding my daughter's school situation, and put my plan into action.

    Seriously, you must be an awesome therapist if you are actually interested in all (any?) of this.


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  11. Physically - I feel rather horrible for quite some time. I have so called Gilbert's Syndrome but until today I actually didn't realize that the Syndrome could be connected to my physical condition I'm experiencing. Today, for the first time in my life, I actually googled "Gilbert's Syndrome" and to my astonishment I realized that that could actually be a realy reason for feeling physically exceedingly crappy. Which gave me a boost of hope that I would be able to find some solution to it.

    Emotionally - Because I feel physically drained and exhausted by my unpleasant acquaintance Gilbert, that has some influence on my emotional well being. However, putting that influence aside, I actually feel emotionally great. Since Josh Weed's seminal post, which had a tremendous positive impact on the relationship with my wife, and indirectly to my kids, I have pretty much experienced constant increase in joy and happiness. I could argue that I have never felt emotionally better and more fulfilling in my life than today, and I expect to have it even better tomorrow.

    Spiritually - I feel as if my spirituality is an invisible, but untearable fiber grid which keeps me & my life together. I am aware that it is always there and I'm not gonna give it up, let it go or, Heavens forbid, deny it. I typically pay closer attention to the grid only when portion of the grid is under duress and then I do whatever is necessary to reinforce it. Other than that, I pay attention to it when "random" occurrences in my life through a gentle promptings actually "tell" me to do it. Is that General Conference? Sure.

    Commitment - I'm gonna nail this Gilbert man, dang it!

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    1. This made me smile. The way you talk about your struggles is so... joyful. You don't make light of your challenges, you just talk about them in a way that emphasizes the good that comes from them.

      Thanks.

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  12. Let's see...

    Physically, I'm doing pretty much the same as always. My knees hurt constantly, I can't walk without pain and someday I will have to get up the courage to call the new orthopedist and go in to see about getting both of them replaced 'cause my current ones are completely shot, bone on bone. I've put it off because financially, it will hurt to take the time off (I don't work, I don't get paid and there is not short-term disability in my job). Not worried about the medical expense as insurance will pretty much cover it 100%.

    Emotionally, sometimes I feel a little numb, like maybe I don't care as much as I should about things. That's probably the Cymbalta talking, though. I started taking that for pain and quickly realized while it didn't work on the pain, it took care of my undiagnosed and untreated anxiety, which I had always thought was normal. I'm not longer stressed out about much.

    Spiritually, not where I should be. I enjoyed watching Womens Conference in the company of sisters at our stake center last week and I'm looking forward to watching General Conference this weekend (we're too cheap to have the cable package with BYU-TV so we'll hook the laptop up the big TV and watch it that way as usual). Maybe I will get some inspiration from Conference to get myself closer to the spiritual part of me. I know I'll get lots of knitting and crocheting time in while watching it. Did you know that knitting/crocheting while listening or watching stuff helps you to retain more? If I didn't do it, I would fidget (there's that anxiety thing, even with the meds)and my mind would wander. Anyway, there are studies that show what I'm talking about. Ooh, maybe that would help your ADHD, Josh! Learn to knit - it helps with concentration.

    And I'm sorry about the negative experience you had. Some people don't think about the hurt and damage they cause to others. Hope it heals quickly.

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  13. Nicey. I like you weed. I am sorry someone made you feel badly. Jerks are in our midst. Luckily we outnumber them.

    Physcially - I'm fab. i know I should exercise for health and junk, but I am at my goal weight by monitoring my calories and am #15 down from last year at this time. Boo-yah. Now I have GOT to get rid of the monster cookie bars, and not by eating them all. Sigh.

    Emotionally - I am melancholy today. I saw a bunch of hunters in Walmart and cried in the parking lot. It could be PMS or the dreary day, or who knows. I rarely cry, so this weird outburst was...yeah, weird.

    Spiritually - I am not a religious person, so spiritually for me means my guts feel good. And yes, I feel at peace with my world, even if I don't understand it.

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  14. I've heard of this checking in before. If couples are in counseling, they also check in with eachother on the sexual front. Right?
    Physically-energized which is rare for me. Bowls are moving and that can make the difference btw a good and bad day.
    Emotionally-worried about our finances but looking forward to our trip (which cost too much). Feeling connected to friends and working on feeling connected to my spouse.
    Spiritually-Also looking forward to General Conf. I've put more effort into prayer and study lately and my faith is all the better for it.

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    2. I second that notion, though for me the bad tends to be too much movement...

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  15. I love the check in idea, but am so sorry that you were on the receiving end of negativity.

    Physically: Fighting off a cold with copious amounts of vit C and vit D, which always do well to stave off the symptoms but sometimes I think it would be preferable to just let the thing have me for a couple days instead of this week or more of not-quite-sickness.

    Emotionally: Ice cream.

    Spiritually: One step at a time. Questioning but confident in my path.

    As an aside, I just wrapped up a one-week challenge to post once a day. It was hard! But interesting, in that it forced me to places I otherwise probably wouldn't have gone. The urgency of the every-day deadline had me hitting "publish" on things I otherwise would have talked myself out of, including a very sensitive and difficult post about my experience being bullied - which, in the end, I am SO GLAD I shared. I also posted some total garbage in order to make my deadline, LOL, but at least I tried. :)

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  16. I could use an anonymous check in!
    Physically: I need to not drink so much Diet Coke. I cannot survive my days without Diet Coke. Hard to amend the two! I'm not getting enough sleep or enough exercise.
    Emotionally: I'm fried! My daughter has a progressive disease that is 'progressing'. I see her diminishing in front of me. The docs can't get the diagnosis correct so we can attack this monster. Every waking moment is spent caring for her needs in addition to my other 4 children. We just spent 6 days in the hospital. I am an overburdened caregiver right now and no one seems to know it except the household. We must put up an impressive front. I'm fried! Worried! Helpless! and we are on the verge of losing our house because of the medical expenses from this past year. They add up quickly. It is only a house but it is a constant in my kids lives. Did I say I'm fried?
    Spiritually: I'm a pretender right now but it seems to be working in the moment! Not smart I know, but did I say I'm fried?

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    1. Hugs. As hard as it is ask for help. If I was near you I would gladly help.

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  17. Physically- Strong, yet tired as every other mother in the world. Waking up early to exercise is the only way to feel strong and tired, if I don't I'm just tired :>) Dreading the winter months that lie ahead and keep me and my family in our house waaaaayyy to much.

    Emotionally- Stable, numb at times. I find so much joy in my children, that's what let's me know I'm not always numb.

    Spiritually- striving to draw closer to my heavenly father, to be worthy and open for direction and spiritual guidance.

    Commitment- Keeping things in perspective, large to small. Does it really matter that my child just spilled a whole gallon of juice, no life is good. Eternal perspective is my commitment

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  18. Sorry people are giving you a hep-load of the crapola. Stinks.

    I am going to try this "checking-in" deal. Once a week. We shall see how it goes.

    Thanks for what you are doing with this blog and everything else. Gives me hope foe the world. Seriously. Thank you.

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    1. So for this week...

      Physically-need more sleep, more exercise, less junk food
      Emotionally-hopeful that my children's lives will settle down soon
      Spiritually-looking forward to General Conference, trying to embrace my calling (YW Pres-yikes!), need to pray and read my scriptures more

      Commitment-no sugar during the week, exercise four times, read scriptures before bed

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  19. I am having a rough day where i am just feeling overwhelmed, so i sat down to read some blogs and ignore my feelings.
    And then i see this. A little answer to my subconscious prayers.
    I really need to break down how i feel today.
    My check in:

    Physically | I dont feel well. Spend time in the hospital last week. I visit my surgeon Tuesday, but until then i have tried to research more about my pain online. And everywhere i go i keep hearing that gluten and dairy are bad for [at least MY body]. I am already vegetarian. I need to take the next step to cut out process foods, gluten, and possibly dairy. I also really MISS exercise and need to make time for this. It ALWAYS helps me feel better.

    Emotionally | I am feeling emotionally unfulfilled lately- mostly because my single/29 year old life lacks a lot of validation. I want to do more, be more. But there are steps i must take and i grow impatient and give up. I need to spend more time on "me", less time working on others needs (as selfish as that sounds).

    Spiritually | Although i make time for institute each M/W, i feel like i am not getting enough God in my life. I don't have time to read the scriptures right now (40 hr work + 15 credits + institute)- though I'm sure part of it is that i don't make it a priority.

    Commitment: I am going to make a list of priorities + a schedule i need to have while going to school and working full time. I also need to make a list of wants/needs (e.g. new clothes, scrapbooking supplies, vacation to MI) and ways to accomplish my short/long term goals while im so busy.

    That. was. amazing.
    Like a deep, cleansing breathe.
    I must do this. Every week.

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    2. Ditto on that candida thing. I kicked sugar and most processed foods four years ago and would not go back. I do grains and dairy but try to ferment/culture them myself and they work OK. Also, try taking an acidophilus or probiotic supplement. (And read the scriptures at lunch or listen to them on your commute.)

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    3. thank you ladies! i really will look into it. My mother is allergic to gluten, dairy and eggs and my body has always been SUPER sensitive (e.g. my entire neck breaks out when i drink soda, eat anything with yellow 5 coloring, etc). i really want to focus on the food and drinks i am putting into my body. i did get some digestive enzymes and milk thistle that is suppose to help with my problem (stemming from gallbladder removal years ago, similar pain/ same area).
      thanks again! :)

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  20. Oh boy did I need this this week. I've never commented before, though I read pretty much everything you put up on here, but I've had some craziness lately, and the chance to throw it out to the universe is very comforting.
    Physically: Hungry. I haven't eaten much in the last two weeks because I had a bad cold and then got my heart stomped on, and having my heart stomped on always seems to make me too nauseated and distracted to eat much of anything. The problem is, I forget that I haven't been eating and suddenly, I'm doubled over in pain, wondering why my stomach is killing me. Oh yeah, it's cause it's starving. Don't worry, I had a small steak last night. So I'm getting back to my normal, healthy eating habits. But I really should have remembered lunch today . . .
    Emotionally: Tired. I put my heart and soul on the line with someone I really care about and had it handed back to me two days later when he started dating one of my best friends instead. Not hating him, not hating her, and not hating me, well, that's made me really tired over the last few days. Because loving people that hurt you, consciously choosing not to give in to your insecurities and fears and baser instincts, that can really take it out of you emotionally. But I have lots of good around me, which helps. Also, Diana Krall's amazing new album. It's rocking my world and keeping me sane.
    Spiritually: CONFERENCE IS ALMOST HERE!!!! Super excited about that, clearly. I listen to conference talks every morning while I do my hair/makeup, get dressed, etc (used to watch random crap on netflix while I did that and it turned out to not be the best start to my day, but I'm too boring to just be left alone with my own thoughts apparently, so conference is my substitute :-)), and all that conference watching is just making me more excited for more conference! But I've realized this week that I need to trust that God wants me to be joyful more. I get caught up thinking, well, trials are good cause trials make us grow and God wants us to grow, so shouldn't I only want trials? Yeah, that's ridiculous. So I'm trying to remember he also wants me to be happy and joyful.
    Thanks for being a lovely human being, a hilarious writer, and an all around heck of a guy, Mr. Weed. I just wish we could play a little violin duet together to cheer us both up.

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    1. I second your thoughts...that I've also never commented before even though I read every single word that is written by our host. I also concur with being grateful for Josh being a lovely human being, a hilarious writer and a heck of an all around good guy. I'll add to your duet with my cello and make it a trio.

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  21. Physically - I have a headache. My jaw feels tight and my body keeps feeling like it's two hours later than what it actually is. I haven't worked out in nearly a week and I know that isn't helping either.

    Emotionally - Drained......I sit next to a conference room where a handful of managers and VP's were walking out of a meeting making jokes about Mormon Missionaries earlier today. I don't normally let that sort of thing bother me, but it did today. So I took some time and sent them a message, reminding them those Mormon missionaries end up as business professionals who overhear conversations happening outside my cubicle. I needed to say something, even though I didn't want to deal with the aftermath, good or bad. I got emails in reply apologizing for what was said I assume. I haven't read them yet. I don't want to even though I accept their apology. I hate dealing with confrontations, even when I know I have to and when I don't care that I do.

    Spiritually - I've been reading my scriptures aloud to myself in my car the past few weeks during my lunch hour. It helps me stay focused and feel the promptings of the Spirit at a higher level. Unfortunately, this has been a week of catastrophic problems at my job and getting that time to do just that has been minimal. Even though it's been two days since I last did this, I feel like it's been months. Like you, I've been looking forward to General Conference. There are always several messages that help me remember where I need to look and focus.

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    2. Thank you annonymous above for checking in. I really enjoyed what you had to say. I hope you have a great and uplifting weekend and that you will check-in again in the future.

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    3. I've considered deleting this comment but I don't have that function using my phone. Not entirely sure it should be deleted.
      Anyway, maybe these guys, in a private conversation, were blowing off steam and didn't mean any offense any more that the missionaries mean offense when they initiate personal conversations with complete strangers or when, in their enthusiasm, they violate personal boundaries. Maybe the emails contained apologies, or maybe they defended their right to have a semi private conversation without being criticized by a subordinate.
      Either way, I'm sorry if my words were overly harsh.

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    5. Not just upper management. We ALL should be more gentle with the rest of humanity.

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    6. Tammy, I have to disagree. I don't really know what the jokes were about so it's hard to make a judgment call without knowing exactly what was said. But if they were talking about a certain type of behavior (being overly persistent, not taking a hint, etc.) then I would not compare that to making bigoted jokes about a person's body type, race, orientation, etc. I don't know if they were making jokes about all missionaries or shooting the breeze about a particular story that happened with one of them. It's true that we should be gentle with the rest of humanity. But sometimes I think that people expect offensive behavior that's done in the name of promotiong a particular religion to be more tolerated than behavior that is simply offensive on its own. I know that most missionaries mean well. But honestly I have seen a lot of them behave in ways that are very pushy or over the top and frankly offensive. I have a hard time criticizing them for it because I know the MTC isolates them for months and conditions them to believe this behavior is not only acceptable but admirable. So I think they deserve to be cut some slack. I see them as victims. But here is my point: If I shared an anecdote with a coworker about a salesman who came to my door and gave me this schpiel about buying crappy overpriced soap and how I had an impossible time getting them to leave and how I felt that they made me uncomfortable by prolonging the conversation, I think that would be acceptable. I'm sorry it might offend somebody who sold soap door to door in college. I did phone surveys in college and I hang up on people who call me in the middle of the day because I have no delusions about people enjoying unsolicited market research calls. After a point, I found the work so undesirable I had to find something else.
      Why do we as a society treat religion as if it's sacrosanct and immune to scrutiny? Does freedom of religion mean that we must never speak ill of any religious practice? Remember we're talking about a presumably private conversation between two people and nothing more. I'm a LIBERAL and I think that political correctness can get out of hand.

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  22. Physically - feel great. Just got back from the gym. A whole 4-days into not having a set program with commitments to other people and glass jars I'm still sticking to my nutrition and workout program.
    Emotionally - hard to summarize...feeling very optimistic and motivated but having a hard time translating it into action which causes frustration.
    Spiritually - Craving more spirituality and inspiration, but not knowing where to go for it anymore. Plus (and probably more importantly) see above about lack of action. Listening to lots of podcasts on religious topics, but not doing much of the real spiritual stuff.
    Commitment - Write 16 hours in my memoir so that I can publish it before yours and outsell you. And to set aside time each day to meditate and seek inspiration.

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  23. I went to the doctor to get an infected bee sting looked at, which was annoying enough. They convinced me to get a flu shot in the other arm. Now BOTH my arms hurt and why do they always claim flu shots can't make you sick when I get sick every single year when I get one? So I am cranky and that is making everything else seem either really doom-worthy (I should not have watched the debate, it just made me seethe) or hilarious (hahahaha people turned off the debate in droves to watch the Yankees game even though the Yankees were already up by 10 points).

    Samhain is my favorite season, spiritually. I just hope the summer drought doesn't mean a really short fall.

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  24. emotionally-exhausted. My parents are getting older and I am taking care of them. My Dad fell and broke his pelvic a while ago and now is fading. My mother is dealing with post-herpetic neralgia pain and there is nothing that is working for her. She recently had a GI bleed and nearly bled to death. I work full time and am making the house payment for them and just counting it as rent. I work full time in the operating room and find I am always drained. I am 52 and divorced. Glad I am in a position to help my parents but never thought I would be here--and alone at this point in my life.

    Physically--just as exhausted as emotionally

    Spiritually--empty I need a pick me up----and sleep

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    1. Jacque -
      Ok, I get that I don't know you, but I know how incredibly taxing it can be to care for aging parents (in my case, grandparents), and I just wanted you to know how amazing it is to me when people make this sacrifice. My aunt, who I am very close to, cares for my grandparents and is also divorced. My grandmother passed a few weeks ago after a nearly decade long battle with severe dementia. The emotional, mental, and physical toll that takes on an individual to care for the elderly is almost incalculable. I spent a week taking care of my grandparents last year to give my aunt some time off and I could not believe the effort and patience it requires. There are certainly moments of sweetness and connection as you love the people that you are serving. But for every moment of good, there are a thousand of doubt, frustration, loneliness, and sorrow. I don't know your situation and I have no helpful advice, but I just wanted you to know that someone out there thinks that what you are doing is amazing especially in a world where we generally put our elderly out of sight and out of mind as soon as they start to deteriorate. God bless you and strengthen you for your sacrifice.
      Sending love your way - NotCharlotte

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  25. Physically--Well rested, but have put on a few too many pounds since I was laid off 2 months ago. I was already 35 lbs too many, so now I feel like a heifer. No offense meant toward the creatures that moo and give milk.

    Emotionally--I'm not panicking. Yet. I interviewed for a job a month ago, and had the second interview with them this week. I've got a strong, positive (I want to say good but it's been banned)feeling about it and should hope to know something next week. Until then, I'm scraping by (thank you unemployment!)and enjoying the time off with my 9 yr old son. We just got back from an already pre-planned and pre-paid Disney Cruise last week (good thing too since I didn't know I was going to lose my job!) and am actually feeling relaxed and energized. Which is unheard of for me since I'm normally a high-strung intense person anyway.

    Spiritually--Also very much looking forward to General Conference this weekend. I need the reboot that always comes with Conference. I need to get re-focused and get back to the Temple (yes, I'm LDS).I haven't gone since before I lost my job, and that's probably one of the first things I should have done when it happened.

    Commitment: Make it to next week without losing my temper. Small, baby steps, right?

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  26. Physically - I'm okay. A little tired from lack of sleep. My asthma is bugging me a bit but I work in a warehouse filled with old paintings and furniture so all this mold makes asthma a part of my daily life.

    Emotionally - I'm frustrated. I'm bored. My job is kind of ridiculous. I never have the time or energy to write, which is what I really want to do, so that really bums me out. On the upside, my anxiety has been a bit better. The attacks aren't happening as frequently. It's kind of just on a low hum right now, which is the best I've been able to say for months.

    Spiritually - I've struggled a lot for the last few years. I'm pretty much inactive in the church and I'm a lot happier. I really don't think organized religion is for me. But I miss the opportunities for charity and service that are constantly thrown in your path when you're LDS, and I miss feeling like I'm a part of a strong force for good in the world. I also hate that I can't be honest about this part of my life with my family. So yeah, I'm definitely not centered or peaceful in this aspect.

    Commitment - I'm going to make time to write this weekend. Regardless of how tired or anxious I may feel. (It's really hard for me to write when I don't feel peaceful.)

    And now I feel teary. Therapy has always been hard for me. I'm not great with being truly vulnerable but you're so brave, it makes me want to try.

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    1. Love your sincerity Kathryn. I, too, struggle with anxiety and have ho-hum periods in my life in which I feel less anxiety but where I'm also bored. Catch 22? :)
      Your last paragraph rings so true to me. I also live to read Josh's posts because he is so good at being vulnerable.

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    2. That's "love to read", but I guess I sort of live to read them too lol.

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  27. I never comment, but this is just what I needed today.

    Physically: I'm actually pretty doing pretty well for a change. My rheumatoid arthritis is in remission and I'm able to pick up my 15 month old twins every 15 seconds when they ask to be held again. It's very rare for me not to be in physical pain, so I am blessed.

    Emotionally: I'm a wreck. In the span of a month we have had so many things go wrong that we haven't a savings, car, or sanity any longer. This has caused a lot of stress on our marriage, especially because our savings was to be used to expand our family. This morning the car I am borrowing broke down on the way to work. The hits just keep on coming.

    Spiritually: Not so great either. It is literally impossible to be spiritual with 1 year old twins. If we make it to church on Sunday- I can't even recall to you a word that we've heard. We can't keep our eyes open long enough to read scriptures and due to work and a lack of a babysitter, we haven't been on a date or to the temple in over 2 years. We suck. Commitment: Try to find an hour of time this week just for myself so I can be alone with my thoughts.

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    1. I had to reply to your comment, because I've been there. Oh, have I been there.

      When we were young and had small children, my husband mentioned that we should just go inactive. I told him that we would go to church, if for no other reason than that our children would learn that we GO to church. For so many years, church was a chore and feeling the spirit didn't happen often, if ever. We never went on date nights or the temple. So, I completely understand your feelings.

      Now, we have 7 kids, the oldest is almost 20. I'm happy to say that those years paid off. My kids have (or are developing) testimonies. We go to the temple regularly and I feel the spirit most weeks in church. The years you struggle will someday pay you in the greatest of dividends. (Also, when they get to be teens, you have built-in babysitters!)

      Hang in there. Your Heavenly Father is well aware of your struggles and appreciates your efforts. He has a bucket filled with blessings waiting to pour out on you.

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    2. I have been there too!! I remember those sundays I spent more time in the hallways then in a church meeting when the kids were little and counting down the day when they were old enough to be in the nursery :) The spiritual feeling were very low back then. It all gets better, and now I miss when my kids were that little.

      Ask the YW president if there is a girl in the ward that will help you out so you can go to the temple I know in my area the girls babysit for free if you go to the temple. :)

      BIG HUGS. Things get better. I promise!

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  28. Physically: I'm feeling more energized than I've felt... ever. My ADD meds seem to be working and I'm glad because I really thought I might have to change perscriptions multiple times. This must be what life feels like for functional people. Wish I would have known sooner.

    Emotionally: I want to kick my favorite POTUS in the teeth for screwing up what, 24 hours ago, seemed to be a sure thing that was pretty much in the bag. I want to drink right now. Heavily. I'm sure this thrills your readership to no end.

    Spiritually: I got nothing. I don't believe in a higher power who's going to swoop in and fix things. We're all we have. This is important. WE are all we have. And I feel that we need to feel a greater obligation to the wellbeing of eachother even if that means that some people won't be able to wipe their arses with $$$- they'll have to switch to Charmin like the common folks.

    Committment: I'm going to forgive my guy for f***ing up and giving the lying weasel a reason to hope. I'm going to stop at two cocktails tonight. I'm going to try to convince my husband to get me out of this house which, btw, is clean in the first time since... ever. Thanks ADD meds. Oh, yeah. I'm going to commit to taking my ADD meds from now on. At great financial cost.

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    1. >I want to drink right now. Heavily. I'm sure this thrills your >readership to no end.

      I just wanted to comment, don't feel bad about wanting to drink heavily sometimes. Honestly, I don't drink, but don't think I haven't thought about it when I've had a really crappy day, nothing has gone right and my prescribed pain med is not in a large enough dose to really take my pain away. The temptation to self-medicate is always there for me, which is probably why I stay away from the alcohol completely.

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    2. We may not drink but believe me, we all have our comfort drink to turn to, mine being diet coke.

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    3. Wait, you mention, 'my guy' and 'my husband'. Is it the same person? Sorry if I offend, just confused.

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    5. No I'm not married to the POTUS and yes, my upper arms need work.

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    6. Even I have felt like going out to get smashed!! and in my jack mormon teenage years I did just that!!! It's been 21 years since i have taken a drink!! ...hmm did I just admit that. ;)

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    7. I was the best Mormon teenager a parent could hope for and I didn't have my first drink- a Mike's lemonade- until I was 31. It was years after I left the church. Just to dispel any myths about people leaving for the beer...

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  29. I love this idea. I love this community, and I've been a part of it for, like, a week.

    Physically- I'm doing not as well as I would like. I picked up some little bug from my daughter, and I'm not getting as much sleep as I should. My long commute is starting to take a toll in a lack of sleep. I also really need to get some workouts in-they always make me feel better. But see, commute, re: not enough time for everything I already do.

    Emotionally- I'm doing better than I have in weeks. I finally saw a psychiatrist in my new city for my depression and anxiety, which flared up after I went back to work after being out on maternity. She's nice and I like her, and I got back on meds, which I think are helping.

    Spiritually- it's been a good week for this. I found a church with noon Wednesday services, and went yesterday. It was really nice and welcoming. It was a meditative service, which I have never done before, but enjoyed (no sermon, just meditate on the gospel of the day). I plan to try a new church this weekend as I search for my church home in my new city, but I'm pretty nervous about it since I am an introvert. I am happy to be communing with God again though.

    Commitment- work out at least once and work on my martial art 30 minutes, 4 times this week.

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  30. Also, I'm sorry you're going through this, Josh. You're fighting a tough battle and you're kind of a pioneer in a way. I don't know if it's a battle I would advocate or if I'll ever really understand or see eye to eye with you on a lot of things. But I have to admire people who have the integrity it takes to stand up even when you're standing very alone. You've shown a lot of class throughout this. Particularly in letting people like me weigh in on the issue.
    You're a nice guy. You're like Ned Flanders nice. I hate to see nice people going through crap.

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  31. Love this idea!

    Physically-- I'm kind of afraid I'm going to gain the dreaded "Freshman 15". I don't eat out or anything, but I eat a lot of mac-n'-cheese. College, right?

    Emotionally-- I'm kind of feeling lethargic. Ya know? I've had a lot of good days in a row, but lately I've just felt like doing nothing. I am working to snap out of this slump.

    Spiritually-- So great! I don't think I'd recognize my emotional downfalls or have hope of getting better if I didn't read my scriptures everyday. I am s, so excited for General Conference. It seems to always come at the time right when we need it the most.

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  32. Physically: I feel good. Just getting over some foot problems and was able to take the dog for a walk last night for the first time in a long time. I've lost nearly 30 pounds this year and many inches. Just had to buy new clothes. I still have a long way to go, but I'm making changes for a lifetime, so I'm okay with it taking time. I'm actually pretty proud of myself.

    Emotionally: Grateful! Especially after reading all these checkins. I can see that I am richly blessed and have very little to complain about. Overall I am very much in transition. Sold my house a couple of months ago, moving in 2 weeks again, work transition, preparing to go back to school. I'm on a great path - though it will be nice to be in my own space again once I get moved.

    Spiritually: In some ways better than a while. I've been reading my scriptures regularly for the past few months. I found the courage to share my testimony last Sunday on my last Sunday in my ward. I recognize many blessings in my life. I feel like I meditate and have a prayer in my heart often, but I'm not always good at getting on my knees and praying out loud. And I haven't been to the temple in far too long. I'm a busy girl, but that's no excuse since I do live so close to one and could make the time.

    Commitment: Get marginally caught up on my homework this week. DO all my homework for my class after Saturday's session. Pray, out loud, on my knees, every night for the next week.

    Thanks, Josh! Sorry you've had a rough day. Mean people stink!

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  33. Physically: Got a migraine in the back of my head that is being supressed by my new imitrex perscription. The meds make me feel a little nutso - I can definitely tell that something wacky is in me but I'm grateful to not have a migraine today. I've had one for the past 48 hours now. Other than that I feel long limbed for some reason, haha.

    Emotionally: Working on it, haha. I have a barely 3 month old who just got over pooping blood for over a month. A week after she started pooping blood, my mother passed away from Lou Gehrig's Disease. Very very trying! Very taxing. I bawl like a baby at the drop of a hat and my doctor has called me in some Selexa to kick start me but I'm nervous to take things while I'm nursing. Also befriending some new people in my neighborhood and some established people from the neighborhood and I feel a little bit like I'm in highschool. Women are exhausting, aren't they??? lol. But I am on the up and up. I feel pretty happy average today and that's really really good :)

    Spiritually: The week my mother died was one of THE most spritual times of my whole life (I'm 29). The other side was more clear to me than it had ever been. I *know* someone there. I would always wonder where she was and how she felt and what she was doing. I felt so spiritually charged and motivated to do what I need to do in order to see her again. However, the longer it is, the less I am remembering that feeling and drive. Not that I have broken any major goals or promises but I don't feel as connected to the Spiritual side of me as I very recently was. I have been wanting to go to the temple because I wonder if my mom would be easier for me to feel there. I have small children, though, and I haven't figured out how to leave them with people, especially when they should be asleep at home for naps (they don't nap other places). Anyhow, I am hoping that general conference will have some messages "just for me" this weekend. I will be all ears.

    Goal: Read and pray every night like I mean it. I heard to "pray to talk to HF and read your scriptures to hear him talk to you." So I will do that this week. :) And listen to general conference :)

    Nice idea, Josh. Doing this makes me feel like bawling about my mother again but I'm not going to change my "emotional update" part, ha :) Also I admire how honest you are all the time. "All kinds of real" is very accurate ;)

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    2. So sorry about your mom. I lost mine to ALS about 10 months ago. It is a ruthless disease, but my mom was such an amazing example of casting her burdens on the Lord.

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    3. Charles and Jan,

      My heart goes out to you two. My mother has Young Onset Alzheimer's. She started showing signs at 50 and is now 56. I was 21 when she was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago. It will kill her and most likely in the next 5-10 years. So when I read your comments I just had to comment. I can relate, watching your loved one fall apart and slowly die before your eyes is one of the worst things to go through. I feel for you and your losses. Due to the Alzheimer's progression my mother is a different person. I still love her but the my mom is no longer reachable. So even though she is physically still there she is gone. I can relate to your loss even though they are different. I feel for you. Sometimes I feel like my heart has been ripped in two or it is empty and achy. I truly know what heartache is now. I know I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I can relate and feel for you. Sorry if I am repeating myself, I just know how comforting it is when someone can truly relate to me and understands to a certain level.

      Jan-I am on Celexa and Trazadone and I really like them both. Did they figure out what was wrong with your baby? Also when you get on the medication know that it takes 6-12 weeks to really know if it is working. For me getting on medications things "get worse" before they get better. It is like my body starts to get better and I come out of the haze and then I realize how bad I was/am. So it seems to get worse but really it is getting better and I just more aware of it now. But after that 6-12 weeks I am really good and doing pretty well. Just wanted to share that in case you experience that. Also I am not currently a mom but plan to start trying in a year most likely. I too want to breastfeed but if breastfeeding means I cannot take my medications I will forgo it because I know a healthy sane mom is more important than breastfeeding. It sounds like it is okay to be on it for breastfeeding if your doctor gave it to you. So do what you need to do to take care of you so you can be the best, healthiest mom you can be. Make sure you take care you too:D

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  34. I so need this today, thank you.
    Physically- not so great, eating a lot of crap to deal with stress so feeling yucky and hungry. Also really tired since we all have crazy schedules and not enough sleep.
    Spiritually- better than normal I think. I'm constantly reshaping my view of the universe and the spiritual nature of life. Since my Dad died it has become abundantly clear to me that there is a life beyond this earthly existence and I'm ok not knowing what that is. It's reassuring to know anyway. Also I'm beginning to feel better able to express my beliefs in a way that feels right to me.
    Emotionally- up and down the stress of work and guilt over what I don't have time to do is really weighing on me. And I worry that my family suffers for it. I'm grubby to start positive but it's hard when you're trading water.

    Commitment- focus in the daily have tos at home. I have a list but I slack on it. Also dedicate one hour a day to something creative!

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  35. Physically- I'm feeling energized and very happy that our baby girl sleeps through the night and gives all of our household some rest. But I need to hit that exercise bike that's been on our balcony for the last six months very fast. My blood pressure is excellent, btw.
    Emotionally- Calm and stress free, which is really rare for me. Feeling deeper connection with my husband, although I still find myself doubting him in some small things. And I hate myself for it.
    Spiritually- It's been hard focusing on the subject lately. Probably due to a baby in the house and less time for mommy. Full of questions. I was just called to serve as Primary president for the fourth time in 12 years so I'm looking for some new ideas which will hopefully come up in the next week or so.

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    2. Thank you so much for your nice thoughts. They make me feel loved and appreciated. I'll try to write more often. And thank you!

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    3. WOW I am surprised they called you as Primary President with a newborn!! You are a wonder women. :) !!!!

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    4. That made me smile! Yes, I was surprised as well. But I guess the Lord really needs me there, so I dare not to oppose :)I guess my husband will have to do a little more babysitting during the Church then he did in the last few years. Luckily he loves being a father, so I have no worries at all.

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  36. Physically: Tired. I am working out in the mornings and eating a lot healthier, but I think the sitting all day and applying for jobs online is countering all that good stuff I am trying to do. It's exhausting just sitting all day.

    Emotionally: Mending. It's been a rough summer. Having to break off my engagement and redirect my entire life has taken it's toll. I am emotionally tired as well. I am getting to a point where I can start moving forward with my life again. I'm starting to see the good parts about it. I knew my ex-fiancee was attracted to men, but since we were aiming for temple and I thought I could handle it. Maybe I could have, I don't know, but I'm glad I found out before that he couldn't. Part of me feels used. Better that than hanging on and wondering if he will still get his act together. Still sucks, but I am better than I was.

    Spiritually: I haven't been to the temple this week, what with the moving and adjusting. Going weekly has been my saving grace, and I can feel the difference this week without it. Hopefully conference this weekend will give me a boost and get me back on track. Personal study has been there, but I think the being tired physically and emotionally is wearing on it. I need a boost every so often, and I'm looking forward to that this weekend.

    Commitment: I think I need to take a break after every application and make sure I get some sunshine and get outside. I bet it would help with the physically and emotionally in one shot. I just need out of the house more in general. Hopefully to have places to go and people to see, but even just a walk outside would be good.

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  37. Physically - I'm feeling old, fat, and ugly. When I'm unhappy, I gain weight, and I have been unhappy for a long time. Plus, I have some bothersome ailments.

    Emotionally - Maybe a good cry would help? When I read what you guys are going through, I'm thinking I'm not doing so badly. Well, my husband is here, not in the Middle East, and he hates me. The last hug I received (along with any other sign of physical closeness) was in February of 2011. We are both LDS. This is my third marriage. Obviously, there is something seriously wrong with me.

    Spiritually - reading Scriptures daily with my six-year old. I never get those highs other people are talking about. I don't enjoy it, I don't miss it when I don't, I just feel guilty. It's another one of those things we are supposed to do. On the other hand, I sometimes receive inspiration, just out of the blue, and I know what somebody else needs. Those times are wonderful. I guess out of the three areas, this is my best.

    Commitment - watch at least 2 sessions of General Conference.

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    1. Dear You,

      Hi. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through a really rough time. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you find ways to feel happiness, fulfillment and love. And that you find ways to give happiness, fulfillment, and love, even when you don't feel it yourself. I really do. And I'm sorry if this sounds trite.

      Love,
      Me

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  38. Physically: Not bad at all. I have a few kinks in my back but I really have nothing to complain about physically.

    Emotionally: A little lonely and uncertain. I’ve had some odd relationship issues lately. I decided to drop a close friendship after 4 yrs because he liked me and wanted more than I could ever give him (relationship wise). This is the third time he’s liked me. Due to this and other reasons I realized that if I stayed around he would always have a hope that things might work out. They won’t, they can’t. Our lives are headed in different directions. I don’t want to string him along and have him miss a potentially amazing relationship. So I let him go. I don’t have a lot of close friends so that wasn’t the easiest decisions. Meanwhile the guy I actually love is ignoring me for no apparent reason. I can’t figure why he’s doing it and it's frankly annoying. So thus I’m lonely and uncertain about where I’m going, what’s going on with my life, etc.

    Spiritually: I feel amazing. I know that probably seems a little contradictory. But the decision to drop my friend was an extremely spiritual event. I fasted and prayed for clarity of thought, had to overcome my fear and doubt, and stood my ground on powerful spiritual experiences that influenced my decision (both past and present). After I did so and I stopped shaking I realized I felt good. So very good in a warm spiritual type of way. I was inexplicably happy the day after. Each time I’ve prayed about what the heck is going on with my life I get a sense of calm and reassurance that I am where I’m supposed to be. That He is pleased with me. That all will work out for the best. That I have grown into someone stronger and more capable. My readings have strengthened me and touched my heart. I feel blessed.

    Commitment: really take what I learn in General conference and apply it to my circumstance to help me move forward with my life. Get back to organizing my homework before I get snowplowed in school work.

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  39. Checking in is a great idea.

    Physically - Let's see, went grocery shopping today and although I bought a fair amount of fruits and vegetables, I also bought 2 kinds of ice cream and 2 boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls. I'm still trying to eat my way out of my feelings.

    Emotionally - On a roller coaster. Still working through a lot of feelings from the divorce, and everything that comes with that. Crying almost every day. Not feeling very good about myself. And also feeling that I've been way too focused on myself for far too long.

    Spiritually - Feeling like I'll just never be worthy or where I want to be. I keep taking a step forward, then two steps back. Amazingly, though, I'm still feeling God's love and find that He is still reaching out for me - gives me just enough hope to keep trying.

    Commitment - find a regular weekly volunteer gig.

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  40. Physically: On the down side, I'm gaining weight and I don't like it. I need to exercise more so I can have a little more energy and not pack on a pound every time I smell chocolate. On the upside, I am a lot more awake and alert than I have been since I started teaching school, and it's fantastic!

    Emotionally: I'm exhilarated! There were some crappy things that happened today (I got my feelings hurt when I tried to share something very meaningful to me with a person who matters a lot, I had to fight with my G period class to get them to learn anything, and I had to discipline a student that I was really dreading disciplining), but they were completely drowned by the awesome things -- a student who normally struggles in class got a 100% on an assignment; another student who is normally a clown showed up and worked his ass off on a lab and completely "showed" all thirteen of his classmates; a student who has been struggling with leadership really set a good example for his peers today; I had a great conversation with an old friend; I accomplished a ton of work and freed up my weekend; and I thoroughly enjoyed St. Francis's feast day.

    Spiritually: I started the day with a rosary with the students and it was wonderful. I've been saying morning prayer again with one of my colleagues, which is also wonderful. And sitting in adoration today I was so full of joy I had to giggle. I feel incredibly loved by God right now.

    Commitment: This week I'm going to share with a colleague one of the tricks an old friend taught me a long time ago -- each day, ask yourself "what's my one thing?" There's always at least one thing, no matter how rotten our day is, that is there to remind us how blessed we are and how much God loves us. And so I'm going to check in with him every day and let him know my one thing.

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    1. "There's always at least one thing, no matter how rotten our day is, that is there to remind us how blessed we are and how much God loves us." Amen to that! I love your outlook on life, thank you!

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  41. P.S. For what it's worth, I love you, Josh! Reading your blog always makes my day brighter!!

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  42. Physically: I'm due with a new baby in a few weeks, and this one is measuring up to be another big baby. So I'm tired and it is hard to get around. Can't wait to get back to running. Feeling really nesty and trying to get a ton of projects done, and grateful I have the energy to sew.

    Emotionally: Drained. Definitely tied to the pregnancy exhaustion and keeping up with my other two little ones (5 and 2) and running the home so my law-student husband can focus on work and school. I am glad I got out of bed this morning. VERY tempted to have just stayed put.

    Spiritually: I'm terrible at reading my scriptures. I'm constantly forgetting to get to them. Try as I might, I can't seem to get myself into the groove (any tips??). Looking forward to General Conference, though. And despite my short-comings I can see/feel Heavenly Father working His goodness in my life. Don't deserve those insights, but I'm sure glad I get them.

    Commitment: Read my scriptures this week, and finish nesting in my bedroom so I can feel comfortable having this kid.

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    1. Awww... Anonymous, I can empathize! I read Josh's post earlier today and I turned back to it because the past couple hours have been brutal with my job and my husband's job. I'm also pregnant (unfortunately I still have three months to go) and I'm feeling completely drained physically and emotionally. And I'm having trouble with my scripture studies because my schedule feels so irregular these days. I'm just comforted that I'm not the only one feeling this way and dealing with these things. Good luck to you!

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  43. Eight hours to work on your memoirs?! I'm so jealous...I am working on a writing project but I'm lucky to scrape a couple hours per week because of being a stay-at-home mom, meaning my household needs to continue running smoothly, hubby's and kids' needs need to be met, MY needs need to be met, etc. Oh, and squeeze writing in somewhere. I'm assuming you have so much writing time because of your AWESOME wife. :)

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    1. awesome, Tammy. You are an excellent witness for people on here. Seriously, people will be less likely to vote against your rights if they feel a connection.
      Physically - hmmm. Well, I suffer rather terribly from insomnia most nights so not so great. It makes me exhausted and wired at the same time. Not good. Usual aches and pains as I'm a few short years from 50! eeeek but I'm still riding my bike outside because Vancouver, Canada has had unseasonably summery weather.
      Emotionally - up, down and all around as per usual. Partly circumstance and partly my brain.
      Spiritually - I'm too anxous to be an atheist I always say.

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    3. Tammy, you are just lovely and I love reading all your comments. Your commitment to joy and finding the good and right in your life is an inspiration to me. Thank you for being, well, lovely :)

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    4. Yes, Tammy! you might just slowly be changing how people think about gay people. so cool. For those who've never met a gay person who is living a gay life (well, knowingly, ha) you are like this great example. You help to humanize gay people and take away the stereotypes, etc.And yes, come on up to Canada, Vancouver specifically in the spring or summer when it is nicest, well summer really. As I've said before, gay marriage is legal up here and there are laws in place to prevent discrimination in the workplace. People generally work for rights of gay people up here rather than against them. not perfect of course! Still some hate crimes shockingly. But there is much much more of a separation of church and state. Respect for equality for all type thing. Anyway, sorry, just proud of my wee city (which does still have many issues, particularly homelessness)!

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    5. Oh, Tammy, how lovely it is to read another positive check-in. I have been stunned at how many people are struggling to find happiness and contentment in their lives. Am I naively unaware of the depths of misery out there or do a disproportionate number of depressed people read/comment on blogs? Perhaps the nature of a check-in invitation provides catharsis for people specifically wanting to talk about their troubles.

      I don't mean to be insensitive to those out there suffering real afflictions but I'd love to hear from people who, in their contentment, aren't bothering to comment.

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  45. This reminds me so much of when I went to Lifestar. Look at all these people checking in! The funny thing is that in Lifestar, at least the group I was in, checking in was always dreaded. Shortest answers were given so we could start a session as quick as we could. Our group leader even gave us a list of words we could use instead of the dreaded "good". So my check in will reflect the usual responses that our group gave back in 2011.
    Physically: Tired
    Emotionally: (search through handout) elated
    Spiritually: Spiritual!

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  46. Physically. Honestly, I don't exercise. And I should. But I'm feeling pretty good. I mean... I'm in college now, ok? I haven't been out of high school all that long. And coming from all the body insecurities I agonized over my last few years of high school, I'm really feeling comfortable in my own skin. And I'm just getting over a pretty awful 10-day cold, so I'm feeling pretty good.

    Emotionally I so often feel confused. It doesn't help that I'm PMSing. Sometimes my boyfriend irritates me and sometimes I feel awful for overreacting when he just wants to help or cuddle or kiss and I'm not feeling receptive. Sometimes I just feel like going cold turkey because I don't want to screw myself up again. I don't want to go backwards. And it scares me.

    Spiritually. I'm mehhhh. I know that the gospel is true. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior and that he loves me unconditionally. I know that there is comfort in the scriptures. But I haven't read in so long. And my prayers are sporadic-- often rushed. I struggle with recognizing answers to prayers and understanding them. And I know I need to read my scriptures and that it should be so simple, but part of me resists because it seems inconvenient and I just don't know where to start. And I think part of me is afraid. But I'm not really sure what of. And I need to share my testimony. Aloud. It's been so long.

    Commitment. Gosh. I just want to be "good." And it's so daunting. I want to feel the Spirit. I don't want to feel burdened with guild or afraid of past mistakes. I guess my goal will be to read my scriptures. For ten solid minutes. Because I need to start somewhere. And I need to do it by the time I see your check-in next week.

    Thanks for this opportunity, Josh.

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  47. I guess after reading so many check ins and comments it would be wrong not to add my two bits worth... and stop being the creepy stalker in the black trench coat at the back of the room...

    Physically: other than being tired, a normal tired that pervades all parts of my life and of which I have become quite accustomed, I feel incredible and full of life. Funny how that should work. Health wise, everything is working well and I am taking my medication to the best of my ability. My appetite hasn't been the best, and food doesn't quite taste all that interesting, but nothing to keep me from eating. Can't have everything, at least not now...

    Emotionally: right now I feel quite content, a bit dull, but happy to be alive and where I am. Of late I have been a bit stressed with adapting to a new culture, and trying to find a way to appease my home-stay mom, who is desperate to find some food that I say is all delicious... but right now? Everything is wonderful. I'm sure at some point I'll have to come to terms with my health problems, but today that isn't really bothering me.

    Spiritually: everything is centered and I feel closer to Heavenly Father, but like a top, I feel myself waivering, like a slight wobble that you might notice just before the top spins out of control. I should be more concerned.

    Commitment: keep myself centered by going to as many of the sessions of Conference as I can, being a more active participant in life, instead of just observing, and take the trench coat off more ofter (despite how comfortable it is).


    Also, I would like to thank you Josh, you have made a difference in my life, many of the things you have written have touched me greatly and helped me through a difficult time. Well, have a good night.

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  48. @ Esel: I love your comparison about your spirituality and a top.

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  49. Thanks for the opportunity to post: just what I need!

    Physically: Feeling pretty good. A bit tired, but what else is new. My husband snores like crazzzzzzzy and keeps me awake half the night. Other than that, I am feeling okay.

    Emotionally: Up- Down-Exhausted-Happy. I work for a company that I love as a VP but as the only female on our executive team I am always fighting an uphill battle. Sometimes this gets so exhausting! My kids are great, but we all know how draining they can be. I am constantly worried about being good at everything, as a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, an aunt, an employee, a YW teacher, and especially a daughter of god. How do you ever measure up and just be happy with who you are right now? Oh well, this too shall pass. After all, I am blessed in so many ways.

    Spiritually: looking forward to conference. I never ever feel like I am where I want to be spiritually. My husband is not a member and this presents certain challenges. He supports me and my children in our church activities and lives so many of the church standards. He's a great husband and father but sometimes I feel pulled in two directions spiritually. Can't wait to hear our prophets voice!

    Thanks for this opportunity Josh! Just what I needed!

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  50. I am so sorry that you were judged. I want you to know that while you may have opened yourself up to the brunt of al lot of crap, you have opened my eyes and changed my life for the better.
    Here goes!
    Physically: meh. I am not generally very good at staying physically active, but I have walked half an hour to and from BYU campus for several weeks now. I think that is helping, but mostly I just feel sore.
    Emotionally: I just feel drained. I spent the last few days with little sleep trying to finish a major paper- and I just finished it. Now I just want to curl up with a kitten and eat ice cream
    Spiritually- Okay. I always feel great when I have my New Testament class- the teacher is amazing. But I am not doing so hot at remembering to pray. I can feel the absence of the spirit because of it. I cannot wait for General COnference! I am hoping to get tickets.

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  51. Physically - Never better. Prepping for my upcoming half, getting faster and stronger every day. Pushing 40 and I'm in the best shape of my life.
    Emotionally - Very connected to my spouse and kids.
    Spiritually - Roller coaster. Going through the motions right now because in my head I know it's important. Trying to get to the point where I feel it in my heart again. Trying to reconcile personal feelings with gospel doctrine and not sure how and if it can work together. Not giving up though.

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  52. To Tammy, who said she wanted to give everyone a hug: I couldn't agree more.

    To Josh Weed, who's love is felt half-way round the world: Thanks for giving us all a safe place to decompress, without judgements, nay-sayers or expectations for perfection. I feel lighter just getting things off my chest. Thank you for the invitation to check-in. Invitations can be powerful things :) And I am so glad I wasn't the only one to share. Perspective is a very powerful tool as well.

    To Everyone that Checked-In: Thanks for sharing. Sometimes, when one finds oneself down, it's easy to A) feel so utterly alone, like no one in the world could possibly understand what you are going through, or being have quite as bad a day as you are. It's so easy to get trapped in my own world. B) forget what hope looks and feels like. You all have given me hope... and helped me appreciate my own trials. Thank you for being so open and honest. And for being so supportive; the environment here today has been so safe and loving. Thank you for that.

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    1. Ditto. I feel the same way, Miranda. Also, reading these check-ins has made me realize, "Wow, my life is not so hard. I could be struggling with all kinds of things that are actually hard, like the kinds of things these people are struggling with. Really, I need to be more grateful for my beautiful life."

      Thanks for sharing everyone! Your honesty blessed my life today.

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    2. I agree! I am also excited to see that others suffer way more than I do. It's honestly a huge relief!

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  54. Check in-here goes nothing.

    Physically-I have mustered the energy and will power to start working out again regularly. Depression, Anxiety, and OCD have been making it beyond difficult lately. I am eating better, and starting to go to bed earlier more often. I have been having back problems but that seems to be clearing up some, yay! I have gained some unwanted weight but plan on kicking that in the nards here in the next couple months.

    Emotionally- My anxiety depression and OCD have been in high gear the last couple weeks. I am trying to figure out if I need to up one of my medications, or it is because there is SO much going on right now. I'm leaning towards upping which sucks because I would LOVE to not have to be on medications at all (been there, done that, was Hell). What can ya do, right? There are some things that I have been struggling to figure out; who to vote for, and my thoughts and feelings regarding certain issues. It is draining.

    Spiritually- I feel partially disconnected. I think a lot of it is due to mom's illness and all things church related reminding me of her which reminds me of what has been lost and what is going on. I recently figured that out so I am trying to get a new perspective on it. Also having mental issues makes it difficult to feel the spirit, so trying to get all of that in check so it is easier. I am really looking forward to Conference this weekend, I have questions that I hope will be answered. I also just really need a recharge.

    Also I am bummed about what happened today, I don't know what it is but I hope it gets better. Love you,

    Maquel

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    1. Hi Maquel,
      I just have to comment on your post because I can relate. I, too, have OCD... have struggled with it pretty much my entire life. And I've struggled with depression some too a couple of times throughout my life, including very recently. I feel for you because I know how overwhelmingly hard it can feel. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Thanks for having the courage to be so real to post about this! I have a lot of respect for you. I'm usually pretty private about my struggles with OCD/depression, but there's something comforting about reading this talked about so openly. Maybe we should start a support blog ourselves or something! ;)

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    2. Hello Rebekah!

      Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. I am glad it helped you:D I have been dealing with what I like to call "the triple threat" since I hit puberty but didn't start medication until the end of my senior year when I literally just stopped functioning. It was no bueno. It is rough stuff and I too can totally relate to ya. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone:D We should start a blog or something, or a Facebook page. I have found when I talk about it openly it makes it easier to deal with, and helps me accept it more easily. I would be interested in what kind of OCD you deal with, mine is mostly intrusive thoughts. Basically my brain's filter is broken so irrational thoughts do not get kicked out before I process them. When I am on medication I can ignore them for the most part (even not even notice them) and can tell for the most part which one's are irrational. When I am not on medication it is BAD NEWS BEARS. Feel free to contact me through Josh's Facebook if you wanna chat. I am his sister and should be on his family listing.

      Maquel

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    3. Oh I forgot my commitments!

      1. Keep taking care of myself by going to counseling, taking medications, working out, and trying to eat well.
      2. Actually cook a healthy meal this week instead of throwing things together all day.
      3. Watch conference intently and look for the answers I am seeking.
      4. Get two hang-outs set up with friends next week.
      5. Do something for my husband this week, like buy him some magic cards or the like.

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  55. Sorry you had a bad experience, Josh. Today I got to experience both the positive and negative of being out, so I can relate.

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  56. Josh,

    I've been reading your blog for months but have never posted. I found out in April that my husband is gay. We've been married for 37 years. You may indeed have to take a lot of grief from some people, but you will never know how much you have helped me. In many ways, you are a martyr because you have given up so much to follow God's will. Don't let those people bring you down. The good that you are doing for people that you do not know is not measurable or even known to you. Only God can see the whole picture.

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    1. "The good that you are doing for people that you do not know is not measurable or even known to you."

      Agree.

      Actually, Josh Weed is totally clueless, but that's perhaps how it should be.

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  57. Let me see:

    Physically: Ugh! I had 5 tubes of blood taken yesterday after 12 hours of fasting and I am diabetic so that is really not fun. I have more fertility testing going on in the next week which puts my stress level at way too high. I am feeling every year of my 43 years...

    Emotionally: hmm, fertility testing - that explains it all! I really, really want another baby and infertility sucks!

    Spiritually: ??? well, it is nowhere, I don't attend church, the only contact I have is home/visiting teachers and that is too much right now.

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    2. Thanks. I don't feel awesome these days. Our 7 year old son really wants to be a big brother so I am doing everything I can to make it happen. My mom had me when she was almost 40 (then again I am the 10th kid and she had babies at home for 20 years) - yup, stereotypical LDS family, I was an aunt before I was born. Seven girls in the family, and I got to be the lucky one to have infertility :( Oh well, if it doesn't kill me it has to make me stronger :D Now I need to get to sleep so I can cook a Thanksgiving supper in 6 hours ...

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  58. Thank you. Sorry you're dealing with crap.
    Physical: my feet hurt because I have plantar faciitis. I've been running and I'm down 15 pounds. It feels good to get my body moving again
    Emotionally: bipolar. My baby was stillborn almost 4 months ago and I still have major emotion swings and I'm tired of it. I hate how seeing my friends with their new babies makes me feel.
    Spiritual: I feel pretty dead inside. I'm just going through the motions and that is scary to me. I'm kind of dreading conference because ... I don't know. I just am. I find it hard to explain. I just feel broken. And I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel.
    Commitment: keep pushing. Force myself to keep trying.

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    1. So sorry to hear about your loss. Prayers are definitely going your way. I hope that it helps in some small way.

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    2. I was in a similar situation, my heart goes out to you, I won't say that'll get easier, because it's different for everyone, we all heal at our own rate. The Lord truly does love you, just say a little prayer for strength and listen to conference.....

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  59. I like this idea everso.
    physically- sure wish my two year old hadn't been suspended from the gym daycare, naughty little stinker. I miss the endorphins and talking to real live grownups every day. I feel like I'm managing to eat at least at a B- level despite working on a wedding cake and the stress that goes along with that. So that's good. I'm lucky to have a strong, healthy body that is also very forgiving of my occasional abuses and neglect.
    emotionally- doing well. could stand a bit more connection with my husband, but overall, feeling supported and strong and in love with my life and these three losers I share it with.
    spiritually- God is so forgiving and willing to just kind of lurk around until we get our act together and remember to commune with Him more regularly. I go a day or two full on, then get busy and fade out for a week at a time, but he's always there waiting & listening & supporting. So grateful and humbled by this lately. Gotta stop taking it for granted.
    Thank you Josh, it's awfully nice to read through some of these and realize that everyone else is just treading water too.

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    1. ooops, also my commitment. I pledge to quit snitching at these blasted cupcakes I'm making. Even if I've got to keep gum in my mouth all day.

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  60. Physically - yucky. I have a cold, my 2 children have colds, and I'm pregnant so I can't take the good, effective drugs.

    Emotionally - drained and vulnerable. I think I'm fighting depression with this pregnancy, and even though I've voice my concerns to my husband he still seems to care more about his friends than about me. Why is he willing to give help to all those around us, and not to his own wife? I'm proud of him for helping others, and I can't begrudge him going to clean a friends apartment because he sincerely feels like the guy is on the brink of suicide, but do I really need to be on the brink of suicide before he'll help out more around our own house? I'm usually so happy and excited for our coming babies, but I cried the first time I realized that I don't want to be pregnant and I'm not sure I REALLY want a third child, and that is such a horrible thing to think! It took me almost a month to voice this concern to him, and for the last month we've been having arguments about how I'm not taking care of things around the house like I should (laundry is always piled up, kitchen rarely completely clean - usually b/c of hand dishes that need washing). I keep telling him I need help, but he is not giving it. So tonight I tried one last time before we go into counseling (already sent the e-mail to schedule an appointment with our Bishop) and he basically told me that "It's nice that you've been able to open up and admit how you're feeling, but we just have to keep moving forward." What is that even supposed to mean? If I were a pioneer out on the plains, I honestly feel like I told him I broke my leg and he said, "okay, well, keep moving" and kept walking along without even trying to help me pull the handcart I have, let alone putting me in the handcart and pulling by himself.

    Spiritually - torn. My family has had a lot of challenges with worldly things lately (cars, plumbing) and I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has blessed us with the ability to afford everything and still have some savings left to pay for my pregnancy (I honestly didn't think this would be the case - yay tithing). But I'm a little angry with Him because during this month of emotional and physical turmoil, my husband admitted that he's struggling with pornography again, even though I do my best to keep our intimate relationship to the level of his liking, even when it's more than I sometimes care for (not that I don't enjoy it, but eh, I would have been fine without it). Why do I have to deal with that, when my husband won't even help me take care of some of my chores? I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that I can't always see it, and that He's not going to force my husband to be a better man - agency is so important - but things are really rough right now, and I need Him to show me some more love, because I'm feeling pretty alone.

    Commitment: Renew prayer and scripture reading, to see if I'm just not listening to His message for me.

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    1. wow. that's a lot. While sharing on the internet and on this blog is great, I think you might want to consider perhaps a therapist who you will actually meet with in person? I offer you my support and sympathy but it isn't really enough! Nothing wrong with therapy - heck, Josh is a therapist.
      I think thee is a bit of a risk on here in that people may only share on here when what is really neede is in person support (i.e. a therapist). We may feel like a community on here but is limited

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    2. Sweetie, you are not the problem when it comes to your husbands pornography problem, my husband too suffers from this problem. It's taken me years and years to figure out how to handle this. We as women blame ourselves, maybe I'm not attractive enough, maybe if I let him have his way with me whenever her wants, etc. etc. They HAVE to fix the problem. I know it's not that easy, but since you can't reach into their mind and remove all of that stuff , they have too....this isn't an easy addiction,unlike drugs and alcohol, which you will have physical withdrawals from, porn is impossible to erase, close your eyes and BOOM! It's there, and unless your husband is really ready to fight this fight with you by his side, it'll only get worse. The Lord does love you and he won't give you more then you can handle, he'll push you to the limit, but when you think all is lost he'll give you that extra strength that you never knew you had.

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    3. Thanks, ibelaura, I'm not the one who wrote the original comment, but I really needed that!

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  61. Pretty sure we all just like to talk about ourselves. ;) haha. Props to you for giving everyone permission!

    About the negativity you experienced, here is a quote: "God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be." :) I don't know who said that, but I try to remember it for whenever someone tries to get me down. I just take what I can learn from it, even if what I learn is to not treat others that way and to continue to spread love and kindness in my own life.

    My check-in:
    Physically: Pretty much always exhausted. I work a full time night shift 11pm-7am and then go to school in the mornings on weekdays. I don't sleep very much and it is physically draining. Also, since school started, I pretty much gave up doing a daily work out, which means I've basically started expanding like a chipmunk storing for the winter. I'm just too tired to exercise! Any "extra" time I get I want to spend sleeping.

    Emotionally: A whole mix. I've actually been really happy this past week over-all because it was my husbands 24th birthday and I helped to throw him a big party with all of his friends. :) I love making him happy! I also just feel good about my life in general right now. I am pretty happy about how things are. I love my job, I love my spouse, I love my cat...Life is good.
    On the flip side, one of my friends has been bullied over the internet this past week by some crazy teenage girl and she just won't let up! I hate when I can't change other people. It makes me frustrated. I just want to scream out, "You are so crazy! You are so mean! You are soooo wrong!!" But I can't. I can't do anything. I hate that feeling.

    Spiritually? .......eh heh heh. I've been ACTIVELY IN-active for over a year now. I haven't worn garments in equally as long. I just don't know what to do about church stuff. It's just not for me. I love God and I want to live a good life and be a good person, but the whole going-to-church-3-hours-every-Sunday and listening to a bunch of newly-wed BYU students tell me how to live the gospel is just not my thing. I really don't know how to deal with my distaste of church, especially when it hurts and affects my husband so much. I feel like I am a good person with good intentions, but feel guilty for disliking church meetings so much.
    I too am excited for Conference though. Hopefully there will be something that will make me feel a little more connected to my religion. :)

    Commitment: To watch conference. Even the morning session on Saturday that I will miss. I want to make sure I watch it online after. I also want to watch the RS Broadcast that I missed. ...Also I want to pray more. I like praying, it's just not the habit that it should be.

    ~I feel like I just purged my soul of so much guilt. haha. XD Thanks for letting us all ramble about our personal lives on your blog.

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    2. It does seem that the majority of Mormons are super young newlyweds! Heck with all that newly in love stuff OF COURSE they are going to find the spiritual ride pretty darned easy. I say never trust anyone under 40. ha.

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  62. Josh,
    I started reading your blog after hearing about it from family. i totally get inspired and end up thinking critically about life and junk (for the lack of a better term right now). Today's check in kind of touched a deep cord.
    Spiritually: I've been better. I've been kind of in a funk. I am reading, praying, not fasting bc I'm nursing, and active in the church. I just moved and have had a hard time adjusting to being in a new ward... We loved, I LOVED, the one we moved from and I got a BIG calling here recently, so I'm experiencing some anxiety.
    Physically: Super stressed and tired because I have a ten month old girl and a three year old then add in my recent insomnia since moving. I have been trying to eat healthy but all I want in chocolate and when chocolate doesn't sound good I end up eat one banana all day and thats it. Not exactly something that I should doing.
    Emotionally: A mess! Like a train wreck. I read your post and thought about everything you wrote, and I cried.... and cried... and cried... then started thinking about needing a therapist. I'm not kidding.
    Today I have felt, sad, depressed, anger, rage, and lonely. The last is the one that hit me the most. I have only one good friend here after six months and it's only because I knew her when we both lived in the same ward, in another state. I know the Savior and have a testimony of him, so the last one really really bums me out.

    Commitment: to make monkey bread and watch conference. I am also going to do something different this week, try and kick me out of this rut. I need something and I'm going to find something this week to help with that.

    I really enjoy your blog. Thank you Josh for sharing and letting us share and grow.

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  63. I think I need this right now. Time is not on my side, but perhaps checking in will help me feel better and move forward.

    Physically—I seem to be coming down with a cold, and I have been running a slight fever for a couple of days. I am hoping to sleep enough this weekend to keep the sickness from hitting me, but it might be too late for that. If I was able to sleep more on a regular basis, it would likely help a lot. Unfortunately, homework always keeps me up late.

    Emotionally—For the past couple of months, I have been very feeling very unstable. I'm falling behind in my classes because I lack the necessary focus to complete my homework in a timely manner. I have tried to encourage myself with countdown calendars to upcoming breaks and graduation, but it does not seem to be helping. I break down and cry in at least one class room on an almost daily basis. Since I do not like to be vulnerable, those tearful moments make me angry, and I end up crying harder.

    Spiritually—Spiritually, I am uneven right now. I have had some great moments of insight in personal study, but my religion classes have been dragging me down. I am riding a steep roller-coaster of ups and downs. The ups are very high, but the downs are even lower. Unfortunately, I spend more times on the downs than the ups. I'm depressed about General Conference because I have too much homework to watch it. It's a good thing I'm graduating in December; the atmosphere of this place is making me question my testimony in unhealthy ways.

    Commitment—I will allow myself to sleep this weekend. Homework still needs to be done, but if I don't sleep, I will go crazy.

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  64. As a busy mum of almost 3 children (might not be as many as some of the readers out there, but the most i've ever had!) i dont actually give myself much time to 'check in' or think about how i' doing...here goes

    Physically - 6 months pregnant & loving the life inside me but feeling the toll on my body. Tired alot.

    Emotionally - up & down depending on hormones & the news on our house. we've been in the process for months now & i'm very frustrated. Happy most of the time.

    Spiritually - healing. disconnected sometimes but it's my fault. I have a strong faith but i need to do more about nurturing spiritual feelings and moments.

    Commitment - watch at least 2 sessions of general Conference this week end to boost my emotions & spiritual healing.

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  65. Physically: My 6-month-old lab was whipping her hard head around after grabbing her prey (a stick) and slammed that very hard head into the inside of my ankle. After a week of pain that does not seem to be getting better at all, and even somewhat worse, I am wondering if she actually chipped a bone in there or something. However, with two of us in school, I am always glad when neither of us is sick, so that is good.

    Emotionally: Looking forward to more discretionary time. My daughter got her driver's license Wednesday, and it looks like she will be driving herself to and from early-morning seminary starting Monday!

    Spiritually: A change in routines (not taking train anymore) meant that I lost my habit of reading the scriptures daily, on the train. I recently started findig their new slot in my day.

    Commitment for coming week: Start doing serious research for a paper I need to write this semester. I want it to be amazing. Also, consider doing something like this regularly on my own blog (giving The Weed credit for the idea, of course).

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  66. spiritually, physically and emotionally

    Physically: Exhausted has been tailing me for the last couple of years. I am wondering if I may have some thyroid problems and I've been losing weight. But with five kids, it's hard to pay attention to myself and I usually crash on the weekends when my husband is home. I am planning on trying out some supplements(recommended by some doctors who treat a lot of different women's problems), and getting some essential oils to help me sleep better at night.

    Emotionally: I'm in the good part of the month:), so not too bad. I usually feel pretty good about life at the beginning of the day, but towards the end, as I notice how much I need not get done that I wanted to, I start to feel pretty lousy. But at this moment in time, I'm feeling hopeful for a good day. And I'm in a much better spot than I was last year, when I was curled up in fetal positions some days:)

    Spiritually: I'm working on reading my scriptures more. I feel so much more grounded on the days that I am able to do that. So that's what I'm doing as soon as I am done writing this:)

    Commitment: Work out some time to work more on my midwifery courses and update the coursework for the classes I teach. I would like to take an hour a day to do this. Read scriptures daily. And tackle my laundry pile while I am watching conference:)

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  67. Physically- i'm doing all right. catching a cold so my voice has been gone and i'm tired but other than that i feel pretty good. I also had an eye exam today... so currently the screen and anything closer is blurry...which is highly irritating.
    Emotionally- pretty content. i get to see my brother this weekend and watch General Conference. i don't get as stoked about conference as other people, but i am excited all the same. a lot of that has to do with my brother.
    Spiritually- fine. i feel like i go back and forth a little everyday. i kind of battle with myself. another good reason for conference.
    <3

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  68. I'm doing this because I love your idea of check-ins, even if it's for one's self.

    Physically: I'm tried and still healing up from residual effects from a hospital trip a month or so ago. I'm rather sleep deprived and have been neglecting the gym for two months now. I'm sure that will boost my energy and spunkiness levels.

    Emotionally: I started a new anti-depressant that has been working so far on leveling out my highs and lows, but I feel emotionally apathetic and am having a hard time adjusting to the feeling. Not sure if I'd rather be an emotional wreck or an apathetic zombie.

    Spiritually: I'm working down the path of repentance and feeling better about myself and praying for a change of heart. I'm reading my scriptures every night and trying to add morning prayers along with my evening prayers. I am so looking forward to General Conference this weekend! I love to hear the words of our leaders and I know they are inspired just for us.

    Commitment: I will go to the gym at least once this week. I will start to eat healthier and I will go out and do something nice for at least three people.

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  69. I'm so sorry for the bad experience you had, recently Josh. You are such a strong, inspiring person. Thank you for letting your light shine.

    Physically: I feel very healthy. I've not been eating very healthily due to work circumstances, but luckily I'm not feeling any ill effects of that.

    Emotionally: I am very happy and satisfied with much in my life but for me there's always the elephant in the room of gender identity issues I've struggled with as long as I can remember. Sometimes they don't present much of a problem, but this week has not been one of those. I'm very discouraged that what I feel, desire, and view as 'heavenly' is not understood by society. I know it appears disgusting and perverted, but the only thing that feels 'off' to me is my anatomical gender. I don't know how to reconcile that within myself.

    Spiritually: The same thing here. I'm LDS and love the gospel. Recently I very nearly lost my family when I 'came out' to them, and I knew I needed the Lord's help so I've tried my best to live as closely to the Spirit as I can and do my best at what I'm supposed to do. I've done a good job, and in many ways I feel that I've been blessed and taken care of. (Plus, I still have my spouse and children!) I believe I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what I feel, knows that I'm not perverse, and even better knows exactly what I need to do in mortality to make it through the issues I have with my gender. But if He understands, why doesn't His church? Telling church leaders about what I feel has been the absolute worst and honestly I regret that I ever did. I want to hope so badly that I can hear something at General Conference that is helpful with what I feel or can bring me some measure of peace with this issue, but I know that it's not likely.

    Commitment: I've had some opportunities to attend the temple and have let them slide out of perceived hurt with the church. I have a chance to go today so I will. I'll go next week, too.

    And Josh I just wanted to say, I admire you so much for what you're doing here. I don't think you realize what your strength and example mean to others. It's inspiring, and I want to be honest with the world as well, but I'm so afraid. The world's warmed up to the idea of same-sex attraction much more than it has to people who feel that their physical gender is inconsistent with who they are. Maybe someday I can follow your example. Thank you!

    ~L.D.

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  70. Another first timer here!

    Physically- well about as good as any 338 lb would be, I may be fat but before you all judge,just know it's not from lack of excersize. I have come to accept that as i age, so does my body.....darn body!
    Emotionally-I'm a 30 year old student with 3 young kids a husband who works 12 hours a week and teachers who think I'm single and can do hours and hours of homework....so maybe a little stressed....:) jokes on them! Cause once the kids go to bed I do have hours and hours to do homework! Which cuts into the sleep schedule....oh we'll, it's over rated anyway ;) I feel extremely blessed to have the husband I do, he's an amazing man, he has his weaknesses but then so do I.
    Spiritually- as with most LDS people, I'm looking forward to general conference this week, I'm so greatful that it happens twice a year because it seems like it happens just when the spiritualness of the last one wears off. I'm not as good at reading the scriptures as often as I should but I do feel like I have become stronger in other spiritual areas in my life.
    Commitment- I commit to being the best mommy I can be, the best friend I can be, the best wife I can be and the best student I can be, there are many many more things I could commit to but until I get these done nothing else matters.
    Josh- (thought you escaped did you ) I don't personally know you, I just know you via your posts, you are an amazing person, honesty is hard to come by in the world today, you have been open and honest, not only with your family and friends, but the world! If someone is being mean to you maybe it's because they're jealous of how easy it is for you to be honest and out there. If this was the direction that you and your wife felt was the direction to go, then don't ever doubt it. Satan will put people there to tear you down, stand strong,he'll try to make you doubt yourself, just remember that The Lord made you this way for a reason, he and he alone is the only one who can judge you. Last but not least, this will be hard, but if you learn anything from your not so nice encounter, that's one less person you'll have to worry about impressing. Turn it over to The Lord let him be the judge. I hope your day gets better!

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  71. check me in.
    Physically: Fit and fat. I can kick butt on the treadmill yet my goal jeans don't go past my knees.
    Emotionally: Even-neither up nor down. A bit bummed someone was nasty to you. Wish people would realize they don't have the right to judge.
    Spiritually: this is where there is a void in my life. I wish I had faith of some kind. I envy people who have a testimony. That must feel great. I wish I did, but I don't. What can you do?
    Commitment: I am going to keep working out 5 times a week even though I never lose weight.

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  72. Thanks for the invite. I feel like I should do this in a journal or something, but then I know I'll never get around to it.

    Physically: Well, I'm preggo and just entering my third trimester, but luckily I'm very blessed with how my body handles pregnancy. I feel great other than the slight annoyance when I try to bend over or put something on my feet. Thank you to my parents for some height to make this easier.

    Emotionally: Last night I had a dream last night that really shook me, but in a good way. My dreams are unusually vivid during pregnancy (especially if I eat sugary stuff near bedtime). In last nights dream I was strapped down to a bunch of medical equipment so that some crazy guy could put me to sleep for 5-10 years of my life. My 2 year old daughter was there and I remember screaming for him to let me hug her once before he forced me to sleep. It completely terrified me to know that she would have to live her life for 5-10 years without me being able to be there. When I awoke from my dream I was so grateful that I DO have that time to be with her. It really made me see how precious each moment with my little family truly is. What joy. Each moment holds a special smile or teaching moment.

    Spiritually: After last nights dream I do feel more connected to God and knowing that live is a precious gift. That gratitude has really propelled me forward today.

    Commitment: I am going to spend a special visit to my ailing mother-in-law this week. She struggles so much to know she is loved.

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  73. I'm sorry you had a rough day a couple of days ago, Josh. When you stand for something the way you do, many people will want to knock you down. That's why Joseph Smith's name is "had for good and evil" even to this day. He was a radical in his time. So are you. Hang in there! I love you and your family even though I don't know you and I keep you in my prayers because I so completely believe in what you are doing.

    I love the idea of a check-in! I'm doing it even though it's Friday and I'm technically too late.

    Physically-- Husband and I are trying for a second (it's exciting to put that out there since we're keeping it a secret in our day to day lives.) and I'm 90% sure I'm pregnant. So I feel pregnant. Super sleepy, kind of nauseous and ravenously hungry. If I'm not pregnant, it's probably just one of those psychotic pregnancies that desperate women get when they're so baby hungry they can hardly see straight. So no worries. I also started walking in the mornings again, and I can already feel my body getting healthier.

    Emotionally--Excited for the possible pregnancy. Nervous that I'll get another negative. Frustrated that I can't talk to anyone about this part of my life. Proud of my decisions to take better care of my body by walking and cutting out sugar. SUPER pumped for General Conference weekend.

    Spiritually--I could be doing better. I guess that's always true, though, right? I've got a 14 month old boy running around, making life exciting and deliriously happy, but also insanely messy and always busy, so scripture study sometimes takes a back seat to being a mommy. When he goes down for his nap (which is right now today) I usually catch up on blogging and such instead of studying my scriptures/having alone time with Heavenly Father. However, I have been praying/talking to Heavenly Father a lot during my morning walks which has been nice.

    Commitment: Study the scriptures once a day. And continue walking every day. I can have two commitments, right?

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  74. Physically--in a new place
    Emotionally--in a new place
    Spiritually--back to myself again! Yay me!

    For you Josh, as you are an inspiration to us all, Jennifer Livingston may inspire you today!

    http://jezebel.com/5948276/the-best-thing-youll-see-all-day-local-news-anchor-has-on+air-message-for-man-who-called-her-fat

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  75. Physically: I'm in the best shape I've been in since probably my freshman year of college. I bought a jogging stroller so I'm running with my baby every morning and I'm even in better shape than my pre-baby body (7 month old son).

    Emotionally: Stressed, stressed and a little more stressed. I'm working on my Masters and I'm living in a very Mormon community--so being a stay-at-home mom who is focusing on "School" instead of her "Baby" is kind of getting old. I'm also taking more credits than the average grad student...call me 'Super-Momma', plus my hubby is frequently out of town for work trips and my baby is teething.

    Spiritually: Really looking forward to General Conference. I have a few questions that I've been quite prayerful about and I am eager to hear what messages the wonderful authorities of the church have to share (and hopefully I can get a few questions answered).

    You're a kind man Josh, I respect your situation and your family. I'll be in Portland next weekend and will think of you guys!!

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  76. Didn't see a lot of guy posts (thanks FG Mormon and Josh). Here's my check-in:

    Physically: Pretty ticked off. The family's going through the second round of chest colds in two weeks. I really shouldn't complain because it's been about three months since we've been sick, but it still sucks waking up at 3AM to your 5-year-old hacking up a lung and you're thinking, "didn't we just do this?" Sort of worn out from that and lack of sleep related to that. Other than that, feeling pretty good about myself physically. Been keeping up on my goal to ride my bike to work for a couple of weeks now (helps that the transmission's on the fritz in my car). Also getting some running and some swimming in.

    Emotionally: Conflicted. While it's pretty normal for me to feel conflicted, what isn't normal is the extent that I'm feeling conflicted. On one hand I've been on an emotional high for quite a while now. Mixed in have been some pretty strong "down" emotions. I've been working through some self-realization stuff which has been wonderfully freeing but which always leaves you tired and can be rather messy emotionally. In other regards it's been a roller coaster of a ride learning to accept myself as gay (yes, another club unicorn member here). My wife's been incredibly supportive and it has brought us so much closer together as we've worked through our fears and denial (like Josh we went into marriage open about it but had gotten pretty good at pretending it didn't exist). I have the luxury of being a closet unicorn, of which I am grateful. Can't imagine going public, although part of me is tired of secrets. Don't feel like it's time to come out yet, though. Maybe one day it will be. Maybe not. Back on topic, for anyone who hasn't felt how it feels to stop hiding from yourself, it is incredible. I feel like I'm seeing everything around me for the first time. BUT... sometimes I just feel worn down and find myself wishing as hard as I can wish that I could just be "normal". Generally I love who I am...but not always. Which I can live with.

    Spiritually: Feeling very much like I'm being guided. God (the universe, etc.) is definitely taking me somewhere. I don't know where but I'm hanging on for dear life and working on enjoying the ride. Little bummed, though, because my job seems to have lost some of its luster lately. Don't know that anything with it has changed, but I think maybe the changes in me have resulted in some me feeling unfulfilled. Josh, you mentioned that you felt like you knew you were in the right field. A really strong stab of jealously surprised the heck out of me when I read that. So I've been praying about it and feel like I just need to be patient and keep an open mind. Dang that's hard sometimes. (Note to God: I am very, very, very, very grateful for a good stable job. Just wanted to clear that up. Did I say "very"?)

    Commitment: I will be patient and keep an open mind. And rolling up your sleeves and digging in does wonders for combating feelings of dis-content. So, it's off to work I go...

    Post script: Thank you, Josh, for your courage. You doing what you needed to do has helped me feel like I was able to do what I needed to do. And what is more manly -- for a man, that is -- than doing what you know you need to do and standing up and fighting for what you know to be right?

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  77. Physically: I actually feel pretty awesome. I'm young, I'm strong, I'm fit. I'm a little tired (2 almost-all-nighters in a week will do that), and my shoulders and neck are pretty tense right now, but other than that I feel refreshed and healthy.
    Emotionally: It's been a rough week. I forgot to take my depression meds for a few days in a row, didn't sleep as much as I should have, got really stressed trying to plan a training for work, and had a very uncomfortable run-in with my boyfriend's ex. Right now I'm on the tense side of numb, which is one of the better places I've been in this week. However, I'm optimistic. I have a lot of fun plans with roommates and family over the next couple of days. My segment of the training at work today was successful. It's General Conference this weekend, which means lots of good times with friends, family, and food. Things will get better.
    Spiritually: I'm kind of drifting. I've always had pretty serious questions and conflicts about my testimony and somehow managed to hang on to it. However, these past few months I've watched it slowly dissipate away. My boyfriend doesn't believe in the Church and has been inactive for a while. I really care about him and can see a future with him, but I'm scared of what my friends and family will think if I get married outside of the temple (actually, I know exactly what they'll think. They'll think I got knocked up). And trying to talk him into returning to activity and getting married in the temple is pretty unlikely, especially because I'm pretty scared of going through the temple in my own right. Part of me is ready to just forget what everybody thinks and start looking for a spiritual system that works for me. But the other part is worried that I'll be depriving myself of blessings in the Church and that I won't be able to be with my family in the next life if I'm not active in the Church. And then it's all a moot point because I have two more years left at a Church school, which means I have to stay active until then anyway. But I know this: the world is beautiful. God loves me. If I do my best to listen to His guidance for me and reach out with love to other people, I will be okay.

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    1. absolutely. You will not be punished if you choose to marry the person you love - you have been told over and over to believe otherwise and that is so so sad. what a heavy load to put on a young person - that if you marry someone you love that you will be punished for eternity. especially putting this on someone with depression - that just compounds the whole thing.
      I so wish you would really believe and really know that you haven't deserved the fear of punishment that you have received. I can hear how painful it is for you - but please know that there is true freedom beyond this even if everyone in your family and your church are telling you otherwise. Even if people jump on my comment because they feel their beliefs are being threatened or for any reason - you are worthy and you are worthy to marry whoever you want. Hang in there - things get better!
      I find it shocking that people are actually told that they won't have eternity with their family if they don't marry within their religion - that makes me so sad, honestly.
      I've struggled with depression and also with being told things that I've had to untangle myself from - I get it If you click on my name it will link to my blog - feel free to commment there (comments are moderated) and I would be more than happy to share my story with you (my blog doesn't get into any of that)

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    2. Anonymous:
      I feel for you. I wasted years of my life worrying about forfeiting "blessings" by marrying a guy who was not Mormon. We broke up for two years. The crappiest years of my life. I almost lost the chance. I was lucky though. I got a do over. I took a leap of faith. I'm so SO glad I did. It makes me sick to think of how things could have ended.
      You are right that people make assumptions about girls who are civilly wed. I'll tell you one thing: I was more "worthy" than a lot of girls I know of who lied or fudged on the truth to get that temple recommend. But some people will judge you. I honestly didn't know how to even word a Utah wedding invitation that didn't include the words "for time and all eternity" blah blah blah. Some will judge but you might be surprised by who doesn't. And for those who do: Screw 'em. Seriously. Screw 'em. If you have a great guy, don't throw him away because of what, I'm sorry to tell you, I found out years later, is a house built upon the sand. None of it's real. Study your church history and be really sure before you give it all up for a guy with some magic rocks and the myth of being goddess of your own planet some day. I say this not to insult people who believe but because I have been there and I want to barf when I think of what I almost gave up for naught. Also, enjoy those tank tops in July and August. All those b****es who judge you and assume you're knocked up will be plenty jealous.
      Also, know this: An interreligious marriage can thrive but a marriage where one spouse is constantly hounding the other into church activity won't. So if you make that choice to marry him, accept then and there that he will not change. Make sure you can accept things as they are and not as they might be. Disregard every story you've ever been told about some guy who finally "came around" and took the discussions and joined. Seriously don't listen to those stories. And make sure that the people in the ward and the missionaries know where you stand as well.

      I also lost my opportunity to finish my degree at LDSBC and the credits don't transfer. I'll have to start over. It sucks, but no regrets. (But seriously if you go to a church school, make sure you have no plans to apostatize. LOL.) I'm thinking of applying for a grant or loan and in my application I'll say: Hey, guys. I'm finally over 25 and married! Is now a good time to finally apply for some financial aid without stating my parents' private financial information? (Don't get me started on that.)

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    4. Anon,

      Take some time to figure it out for yourself. Dig deep and figure out what you truly believe. I agree with BQ that you should not go into a relationship with the mindset that "He will come back someday", because frankly he might not and probably won't. Also you should not base a relationship on what you hope will happen. My friend did get married to her husband and he joined a couple years later. I know it is different from your situation, your boyfriend being inactive instead. I say this because things like that DO happen but don't expect it. Also pray about it, you believe in God so USE that tool to get answers. God loves you and wants what is best for you. From personal experience I have been in love with one other person before my husband. I saw a future with him and wanted to marry that boy. So I prayed about it and got the answer no. I was so disappointed in that answer, I was heartbroken beyond words. I couldn't wrap my head around why we were not good for each other. Looking back I can see it all now and it makes sense. My now husband is perfect for me and I am so glad I listened to my personal revelation. Now I am not saying that if you pray that will be your answer. But if you truly want to know then pray about it. Dig deep and get the answer for yourself, setting aside what everyone is telling you. I through experience have learned that someone can not be right for you regardless of how deeply you love them. Figure out what you truly believe and want, then do it. Feel free to ask the opinions of those around you but what it comes down to it, it is what YOU believe and feel. Take your time, dig deep and be happy!

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  78. Physically, I'm not 100%, but in the scheme of things not that bad either. I don't have much energy, but I think its at least partially a mental thing. And last time I checked I still had "two arms, two legs and a heartbeat", so I think thats a good thing.

    Emotionally, I feel like a mess. Completing university was a nightmare, and even though I finished in Feb, I don't seem to have recovered from it yet. And right now, I'm terrified of tomorrow night (though if it wasn't this, chances are it'd be something else). Because of time zone differences, we don't have General Conference until the following weekend, so its just regular church for us tomorrow. So tomorrow evening the YSA are having a fast breaker as usual, but this time it will be followed by a Stake led meeting. It was announced on Thursday evening at insitute what the topic of this meeting would be - The law of chastity. They had a box where we could write any questions we have about the subject and then the Stake Presidency will attempt to answer them. I really don't know why, but on Thursday night, it seemed like a good idea, so I wrote down a couple of questions about something that has been bothering me on the subject and popped them in the box. And now I feel like I have to go, so I can hear what they have to say on the matter, though I feel like I would rather run a million miles in the opposite direction. I think its a good thing, because its something that is never talked about and I think it will be good that it is. But its not good on the inner turmoil front.

    Spiritually, I don't know. A couple of things that have happened lately have got me thinking about stuff a bit, with the result that I at least managed to figure out where I currently stand - where I am in relation to what I believe and what I don't. And while it is a pretty dismal picture in a lot of ways, I do feel somewhat better just for knowing where I stand. And I've also had a few reminders lately of the importance of being grateful - reminders that even though I often feel like I'm at the bottom, I still have an enormous amount to be grateful for. I've been reading this poem a lot:

    Bankrupt ~ Cortlandt W. Sayres

    One midnight, deep in starlight still,
    I dreamed that I recieved this bill:
    (---------in account with Life):
    Five thousand breathless dawns all new;
    Five thousand flowers fresh in dew;
    Five thousand sunsets wrapped in gold;
    One million snow-flakes served ice-cold;
    Five quiet friends; one baby's love;
    One white-mad sea with clouds above;
    One hundred music-haunted dreams
    Of moon-drenched roads and hurrying streams;
    Of prophesying winds, and trees;
    Of silent stars and browsing bees;
    One June night in a fragrant wood;
    One heart that loved and understood.
    I wondered when I waked at day,
    How - how in God's name - I could pay!

    My commitment is going to be to get up no later than 7am (and preferably get up about 6am I think will be good)... I have been such a lazy slob in this area lately and I think I will feel better for doing it. :)

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  79. As a psych major and a reflective person, I love this idea! Thanks, Josh (:

    Physically: Meh. My boyfriend and I decided to start eating healthier and working out together about 2.5 weeks ago, and that kinda went down the drain after the first week. I didn't go to the gym at all this week. :( But, I did pass up a free fast-food burger today which was a good decision.

    Emotionally: I've felt a bit lonely lately. I hadn't talked to some of my friends in weeks, but I texted some yesterday and will hopefully be hanging out with them next week! I'm feeling stressed about school because I procrastinate too much. I am excited to have a relaxing and fun weekend! (although I actually don't feel as excited as I think I should.. :/)

    Spiritually: I have been learning so much about sociology, social justice, and human interaction in school this semester and I love it! It fills my mind and soul. Each class brings me closer to realizing what my future career should be. Maybe I should try to feel like every day of my life has purpose though; a commitment?

    Commitment: Get started on my homework as soon as I post this! Follow through with my plans to hang out with friends next week. Have an enjoyable weekend as it is mine and my boyfriend's one-year anniversary! (: And most important, attempt each day to be a positive influence to others.

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  80. Emotionally--I'm not doing real well. I was raised in a cult (9-21)...I'm coming up on my 3 year anniversary of leaving...and being disowned and losing the 11 ppl I love more than any others.

    And I just feel like I'm "still missing." And I don't know how to find who I am anymore...just really hard.

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    2. wow, that is so incredibly hard. I hope your parents didn't disown you - are they still Mormons? Hang in there.

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    3. I'm sorry that those who should love you unconditionally are not able to do it. It isn't fair. And it stinks that life isn't fair. I hope that your journey leads you to a place of personal peace and happiness.

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    4. They never specified who the cult is, so I am not sure why you assumed Mormons anon.

      Hope you find peace soon!

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  81. Josh, I remember in a women studies class they taught that everyone is on the sexuality scale. 1 being completely hetero and 6 being completely homo. The theory is that most people are a 2 to 5 on that scale. I was talking to someone today that believes in reparative therapy (make a gay straight) for those that aren't a 6 but a 2-5. I know you don't belive in reparative therapy. I don't either. What are your thoughts on the scale? Accurate or a bunch of crap?

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  82. I'm sorry but I have another ignorant blogging question: Is there some quick and easy way to find posts I have written. I tried typing my log in name (Art2d2) in the search box (in the upper left-hand corner) and that didn't work. Any suggestions? Thanks

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    1. do a 'find". on my computer it is control - F. Then type in your name and hit, 'next'

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  83. Check in: I'm off from work today (I deliver the mail) and looking forward to General Conference.

    Mentally: I feel refreshed from a good night's sleep and waking up on my own without the help of an alarm clock.

    Emotionally: I'm feeling mostly OK. Last evening I invited my youngest son (age 22) to go to the Priesthood session of General Conference with me this evening. His reasons for declining bothers me because I love him and I would like for him to make better choices for himself. I will put him in God's hands. If it would do any good, I would go over to his place, grab him by the shoulders and shake him up, then tell him how and why he should behave differently. If someone had done that to me when I was making self-destructive choices for my life I know it wouldn't have helped me (I would have viewed it as trying to control me and I would have resented and resisted them, even if I knew they were right!). God hasn't behaved that way towards me.

    Spiritually: I'm doing OK. As a recovering perfectionist, I HAVE TO stick with the basics or I will go insane. I know my Father in Heaven loves me, He loved me even when I was at my worst (and that was pretty rotten!), and, based on His track record, He will always love me. I will do what I can so my actions will show my love and gratitude to my Father in Heaven for His love.

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  84. Physically: FAT! I am sooo tired of being fat. I want to lose this weight and made arrangements to start a workout schedule. On the first day of doing so, I fell and hurt my knee badly enough I cant be on it for 6 months.
    Emotionally: Suffering from fat syndrome lol. Otherwise I am a happy and optimistic person.
    Spiritually: Need to study more. I am pleased with my life and know that even though I have trials and my life is def not perfect, that my Heavenly Father loves me and is blessing me and my fam for my/our efforts.

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  85. Physically--I feel like rewarmed 4 day old crap. Started a new weight loss program this morning and am trying to kick caffeine at the same time. This is day one of the weight loss plan--something that is EXPENSIVE but I know is effective (my sister has lost 60+ lbs using the same program). Queasy, splitting headache and tired because I didn't sleep well last night. BUT...I have no arthritis pain in my knees, my left foot arthritis is staying relatively quiet and even though I spent part of my preconditioning week doing "last time" foods (sweets, burgers, etc), I still lost a pound. Yay me. Only 125 or so to go.

    Emotionally: Concerned about the fate of a non-profit organization I work with as it undergoes a change in leadership; cranky as hell due to the caffeine withdrawal headache I have had since last evening; worried about money (the lack of it, not what to do with "too much").

    Spiritually: Solid. I know my place in the universe and my contributions to the world are needed and appreciated, even if the humans I interact with aren't quick to share that information. It's not about them, after all...it's about me and God.

    Commitment: I will continue to figure out this new way of eating. I will drink at least the recommended 104 oz of water daily. I will NOT beat up on myself for messing up and eating something from the wrong category (that's going to be hard). I will read and add to my motivations list when I am feeling like I want to quit. I will FREAKING ASK FOR HELP FOR A CHANGE (at least once). I will NOT commit to stepping into a position on the non-profit board even though I know I could do the (volunteer) job. This week is about me getting myself together...and all my attention needs to be on that.

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    1. mskauri, I have too had a goal to lose weight this month. I'm going to a wedding and feel like I don't want to look like the almost 50 years old that I am. Congrats on caffeine. That would be almost impossible for me. I like the committment to asking for help. My pride often stops me when I need help the most. I hope you post how it went...later.

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    2. Elise, have fun at the wedding, whatever your weight is! As for "not wanting to look XX yrs old" I hear ya! I'm 44 and am usually pegged within 5 yrs of my age (people are kind and don't tell me I look 49--they go the other way!). My husband is 59 1/2 and looks (and acts) younger than me. He's in fabulous shape--hadn't ever had surgery of any sort (other than oral surgery) until he was over 50. It's hard to not hold myself to that same standard. I want to be as vibrant, active and HEALTHY when I am his age as he is now...hence the investment in the weight loss program (Metabolic Research Center, in case anyone reads this and is curious).

      Dumping caffeine is something I would NOT be doing unless I was not on this program. I live in Oregon...and even in my rural location, espresso is readily available within a 2 mile radius (and scones...oh, the scones that coffeehouse makes!) But I figure if I'm going to commit to this program, I'm all in. I may be cranky and not very fun to be around for a few days, but I'll make it thru.

      Asking for help...that's going to be harder than kicking caffeine, but hopefully not as big a headache! ;)

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  86. Physically: Challenged by the sun to be outside more! Inspired by my husband who is really doing well, exercising alot. Smiling when I take the time to play tennis with my 14 y/o son. Looking up to the clear skies as I walk my dog.

    Emotionally: Amorous- Want to have sex more with my husband. It's been too long. Ambivalent-Feeling steched emotionally bewtween my sisters and brothers in my family of origin. Confident in my work.

    Spiritually: Renewed right now by nature, but lacking in community. Wishing I could center myself daily, but choose sleeping in or watch late night TV instead. Wanting to find compassion for my brother, who knows how to push my buttons. Wanting to practice compassion for my self.

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    2. and on the note of why they did changed was also in the press conference, but another reason I know for sure is there has been a growing trend of men missionaries having to come home off their missions in the first few months because they had before their mission been immoral and not getting it cleared up before the mission started. They go into the mission field, feel the spirit, and bam they realize they need to repent of their stuff they been doing. I have know many who had to do this exact thing. Don't you think it is just better for boys to just right after high school, get it done and then not have a break in education and life!! I do. It make much more sense to me! Also with the women, I think it is great they had a age reduction. I probably myself would have thought about a mission back in the day. For women, we don't have to go if we don't want, for the boys they really stress it! Which to be honest is great. Boys need that extra spirituality. At least these young boys are going out doing some good then going to school, drinking, having sex and partying it up. There is a definite difference between a mormon boy and others!! And it's call maturity!!. :)

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    3. here is the press conference link...

      http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-lowers-age-requirement-for-missionary-service

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  88. Here are some facts I found:
    There has never been a black member of the general presidencies of the Relief Society, Young Women, Primary, Young Men, or Sunday School. The first African member of the Relief Society general board[28] was chosen in 2003, and she shared her testimony at the general meeting of the Relief Society in September 2003.
    Three per cent of Mormons in the U.S. are African American and 5 per cent world wide.

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  89. check in- Physically: I ate too much just barely so I dont feel great, though I spent over an hour walking today, so I dont feel horrible. I am a little on the tired side because I am absorbed in reading 6 books simultaniously and cant seem to put any of them down.

    Emotionally: I feel better than I did two days ago, I feel pretty good actually. Two days ago I was really upset, but today I walked around and talked with a friend and I feel pretty great.

    Spiritually: Well, after two sessions of really awesome General conference I feel rock solid and ready to have any amount of faith necissary to do anything I should need to. its a great feeling, but I know when "fiery trials" come I will probably be less enthusiastic. but I still love conference.

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  90. Check In

    Physically - I keep putting on dang weight!! I have gained 30 lbs in 3 months because I keep sitting on my butt not exercising and not dieting. I just want to eat and eat and eat. Besides that I am physically fine. No sicknesses (knock on wood), my family has not been sick etc.

    Emotionally - I go up and own emotionally. Sometimes I get depressed, sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I am mad. I am just all over the place. I will say I am emotionally drained with all the things that have been happening these last 3 years, teenagers, and my school Sometimes I wonder why I even went to school, even though I make good money now because of it. I am sick of fake people, people being mean to each other (on here and in my own life), and my teenagers sassyness!!!. I am just whinning right now lol... Can you tell?

    Spiritually - Today I listened to only one talk by President Monson in the morning session of General Conference and I was so AMAZED at the new change they are making for when you can go out on your mission now. WOW. This effects me personally because I have lots of sons!! The new allowable age for men to go on missions is now 18 and girls 19, from 19 and 21 respectively. I feel this was very INSPIRED!! I am grateful that I was able to at least listen to that talk today and plan to watch the rest on LDS.org later.

    Commitment - Read my scriptures daily, have family and personal prayer daily, and hold family home evening this Monday night (I have been slacking).

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  91. LOL, we make the girls at the group home where I work do check-in's like this. They are usually "My life sucks! That's how I'm doing!"

    Physically: I didn't get to go swimming much this week because the show I'm in had its tech week this week. I also just ate McDonalds which I haven't done in years because it's the most disgusting thing in the whole world and I am just now remembering that. I'm also pretty wiped as I just finished Final Dress rehearsal for The Scarlet Pimpernel and then had to rush to work a grave shift at the group home. DOUBLE TIRED!

    Emotionally: Drained. Not feeling too great about myself. My 26th birthday is on the 16th of this month and my father asked me why no one wanted to marry me and when I was going to stop being a disgrace to the family. Love you too, Dad..... And you know...It's not like I'm not nursing a broken heart after the last failed attempt at letting a man know that I cared about him just last week. End of the story? He shot me down like a duck during hunting season. FML. Plus, you know, 18 credit hours, interviews for the education program, two jobs(one of which is at a girls rehab treatment center, that's not stressful at all!), Being in a play, writing a play, and stage managing a dance concert isn't exactly a walk in the park. I'm feeling a little down...No big deal…

    Spiritually: Better then some, worse than others. I always end up comparing my current spirituality with my mission spirituality. One always comes up short and I can tell you now, it's not the mission spirituality. My daily prayers and scripture study has been found wanting. I'm also a little lackluster in my calling (Relief Society first counselor. :P) So....yeah.
    Commitment: Go swimming at least twice this week and consciously smiling at 10 random strangers today because I tend to not smile enough. (Usually because I am too busy thinking of the next thing I have to do before I can finally take a moment to blink.)
    Wow... I'm also a Debbie-Downer. Don't worry, it will pass....I hope.
    P.S. Don't let the haters get you down. You make me want to go out and find a sweet little gay Mormon boy and huggle his face and love him and have his babies! Is that offensive? It was meant to be a compliment. See....that's why I'm not married!! Plus, I'm scared to death of rejection.

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    2. Amen to cutting toxic people from our lives......I'll take your advise BQ and do just that....see ya

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  92. Check-in, okay. Good idea. Let's see how it goes. LOL

    Physically: Doing fine except for my lower back locking up when I get up but that's been going on for years and isn't likely to change anytime soon.

    Emotionally: Doing well. I'm not one to stress so that's a good thing. Husband has finally reached the point where he doesn't stress as much and that greatly helps my mental state.

    Spiritually: Falling a little short in that department. I definitely need to wipe the dust off my rosary and pray more. I would love to go to church but given husband's work schedule that isn't likely to happen for awhile.

    Commitment: To try not to get so caught up reading stuff on the internet so I can keep up with the housework better--I'll just go on here for a few minutes and well over an hour later I'm still on. Oops!!

    Nice idea, Josh. :)

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