Saturday, December 15, 2012

Sick Girls

Last night my house became a vomitorium. (The fake definition. Not the real one which innocuously means a type of passageway.)

As I helped Anna throw up into a bowl, instead of being repulsed or annoyed or bothered, I found myself grateful. I'm so grateful that, unlike 20 sets of parents in Connecticut, I can wake up in the night and help my little girl when she's sick.

I spent a lot of my day yesterday envisioning Anna at school...
Thinking of her in her classroom. The Christmas decorations. The energy her class must have been feeling at the approach of the holiday break. Laughter and chatter. Vibrancy and innocence. Bright eyes and curiosity and sweet, high pitched voices.

I was tempted not to post anything about this, because I don't want to exacerbate anyone's grief with my own. At the same time, there is something powerful in solidarity. There is a power in knowing that so many people are so deeply troubled--that so many of us feel this so deeply. The horror. The shock. The pain at a loss of innocence. We all mourn this together.

There is something to be said for that.

In the meantime, I will nurse my sick girls (including Lolly) and be grateful to have them, and grateful that in the middle of the night my daughter could wake me up and say "daddy my tummy hurts" and I could hug her and say "it's okay" and help her as she threw up, and then let her sleep by my bed until she felt better.



  1. so very true. it's such an awful thing, but it has helped me to be less likely to complain. my kids were driving me NUTS talking non-stop as we went to target for some Christmas shopping. I was able to catch myself from whining about it and changed to be grateful that I have that. :)

  2. We rode the vomit-comet on Thursday with my daughter. Though I kind of did sympathy heaves myself while cleaning out the trashcans, it was a sweet thing to nurse my little girl back to health. Something to cherish, even in the midst of its difficulty.

    This is the right time to count blessings, and to mourn with those that mourn. It's a tricky balance, but it's one that's totally worth a thoughtful tightrope walk.

  3. It's definitely a time to cuddle your children a little closer for a little longer.

  4. I'm still reeling. I don't know exactly why this has hit me so hard. I think it's partly because I'm away from my nieces and nephews for the first Christmas since the oldest was born. But probably mainly it's because I used to be a reading tutor in an elementary school. I keep thinking about what I would have done to protect my reading kids. I really think I would have done anything, protect them with my own body if I had to. How does that instinct get so turned around in a person? How can evil like that exist?

    Give your babies an extra hug for the people in their lives who are far away. I promise you that those aunts and grandpas and big sisters at college are wishing they could see their perfect faces, wrap them up in their arms, and tell them how cherished they are.

  5. That is pretty big, considering your phobia of vomit!

    And yeah... I'm grateful to hold and take care of my beautiful children too. It definitely puts things into perspective. I can't even imagine... it hurts too much.

  6. life is all about perspective, isn't it? I'm sorry your family is sick but so grateful you have them! As always, your thoguhts are beautiful! Thanks for sharing!

  7. Agreed. This is a good reminder to never take those we love for granted. Love the picture of your girls. So cute.

  8. So, so true. I've spent the last 4 days at the hospital with my husband who has had a relapse of cancer after 9 (awesome!) years cancer-free. We're in for a long, hard road, but yesterday I remembered there are some things so much worse than getting sick.

    1. Your courage is truly inspiring :')
      Good thoughts and prayers your way (^_^)
      God bless

    2. Wow, Natalie, so sorry for that news. Best wishes to you and your husband as you fight this disease.

  9. I thought the same thing as my kindergartner and her two friends from kindergarten came over to our house and played after school on Friday. We made jingle bell bracelets and played dressup as princesses.
    As an atheist, I can handle not believing in an afterlife or a heaven. What really kills me on days like this is not believing in hell. To think that some sack of s*** can inflict this much damage on the world right before taking himself out of it is too much for me. I need to believe in a hell that contains syringes full of pepper juice and pineapples and other such things. It would help me sleep better at night.

    1. Bjorge Queen I would hate to be in that hell!
      But just as much as you need to feel better to imagine a hell appropriate enough to fit the crime, imagine a heaven where these sweet babies will go and be greeted by people who love and adore them and have their tears wiped away.

    2. Really? Who's going to wipe away the tears of their parents? Some sort of God who loves us enough to let things like this happen?

    3. Whether anyone believes in a higher power or not, that is part of our job here on earth, isn't it? To help and serve others? Tragedies suck, but hopefully something stronger and better can come from it, eventually. They can bring out the best in others that want to help somehow. So hopefully we can be those people who mourn with the victims and try to comfort and wipe away their tears.


    4. I do not care who you believe in or do not believe in, but it reveals an agenda when you blame real situations on something you claim to disbelieve.

      I personally know many atheists who really do not believe in God and would never “allegedly” blame him for atrocities. I believe it is the individual person’s free agency they exercise to either do good unto their fellow man or evil. Free agency is why we are here on earth weather you believe in god or not.
      Atheist I know believe we are free to make our own choices and decisions, we are accountable to ourselves and our fellow man, not to a God.

      If people understand Gods plan, then they believe essentially the same thing, we are accountable to ourselves, others but mostly God.

      In either case, PEOPLE should be blamed for making decisions to be wicked to their fellow man.

      If there is no God in your opinion(to which you are entitled) then it is contradicting to blame him for anything.

      If your agenda is to show others how insensitive YOU feel their imaginary figure is…..then you must believe even just little to feel compelled to disprove, in my opinion.

      I do not believe the Koran, and I would see no reason for me to tell any Muslim what is wrong within their religion, cause I don’t believe it is the religion. I believe the person is the reason bad things happen in the world weather it is in the name of, or in spite of, or without the guidance of, GOD.

      I am sorry for those who feel the double negative of an indifferent God (that doesn’t exist) who turns his back as innocents die and people suffer, and also that there is no hell or judgment to beheld for the wicked men who should be punished within, or after life. I pray for peace for you BQ.

      I personally find peace within the atonement of Christ, and the gospel of the LDS church.

      My peace mostly comes from my deep and personal relationship with God. I feel his hands around me, and I feel his whispers of hope and love in my ear when I pray. I feel his sorrow in others sufferings and I have a TESTIMONY he will be just in his judgments. I know he loves all his children and I believe these children were received into a place of pure love and understanding. These beautiful children have more understanding know then any of us on earth, and they will always send their love to us, and be in our hearts until we see them again, and what a joyous occasion that will be.

    5. I don't blame God for anything, Jr., because I don't believe he/she exists. I'm just saying that if I could derive comfort in the idea of him/her wiping away tears of the children who were massacred in this horrible event, I would have to also acknowledge that their parents have been left to try to pick up the pieces and go on with life which is nearly an impossible thing to ask. And I would have to acknoweldge that this omnipotent being was able and simply chose not to intervene. You can't say that he's omnipotent one second and that he has all these rules to abide by the next.
      I'm sorry but I'm in a foul mood today and tonight and a lot of it has to do with a picture of a T shirt I saw on facebook:
      Dear God, Why do you allow so much violence in our schools? Signed, a concerned student.
      Dear Concerned Student,
      I'm not allowed in schools.

      So yeah. Looks like it took about five minutes for the believers to start blaming the atheists; the separationists for this one.
      Dos that also bring them comfort? To blame people like me?

      All I said was that I have never had a hard time not believing in a heaven but I have a hard time accepting- and I believe it's nonetheless true- that there will be no justice for this pile of garbage.

      I'd rather believe that nothing could have been done to prevent this than to believe that there is a god who could have prevented it and simply chose not to. I would rather believe in nothing right now.

    6. Just don't get all carried away with yourself, Jr., trying to act like my anger "proves" something about what I actually believe. Though I know it's difficult not to.

    7. You also need to take into consideration that this young man who did this was disturbed and also a child of our god if you believe in him or not. He was a young child himself, barely out of his teenage years. We know he has a form of autism and had OCD which is a very real "brain scanable" ailment which I feel God will take mercy on his soul because of it. If you know anyone who had OCD, you would know they constantly over and over think things in their heads and can practically go insane from anxiety. Now it does not take away what he did, the horror of what he did but it explains it. I am so saddened by it, it really haunts me and makes me realize how much I need to change the things I do so my kids absolutely "know" I love them and have a soft place to fall, which sadly it seems this 20 year old child didn't have it seems. Yes he was a child in my book and who knows really what made him get so low that he would go do a terrible thing like this. I pray for the families, I pray for his family. I pray for that community and the kids and family who now will be traumatized because of it. I don't know if I could send my kids back to school after that. Anyways.

    8. I see what your saying BQ. I think whatever you need to do to grieve and feel peace is ok. If accepting that this is only the work of man, and no God could be involved I see your point.

      Do you believe that we are each accountable to ourselves and our actions ?

      Do you believe that we are inherently capable of good or bad, love or hate, truth, or deception?

      I do.

      I believe God knows we are capable of these things too. He has put us on this earth to have the opportunity to choose. He knew that the only way for us to progress is to come with a mortal body, with every sense, and drive and capability to choose for ourselves. We have different trials and pains, and joys and experiences. Its is all for our progression.

      Every trial I have had although in the thick of it I dont understand. In heinsight, I grew, learned, realized strength and overcame weaknesses.

      This is the freedom we have on earth, to grown and progress, or stop and fester, or keep from learning our full potential.

      God does not intervene, In my understanding, to allow us the choice. If there was an immediate consequence to everything from God, then we would not have the choice, the free agency.

      As far as the parents of these beautiful children, I saw a quote in a story from one of them, when asked if they will be able to move on, they side, " Its will be hard, but we must, we still have more beautiful children here."

      "If thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; … and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; … these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

      It may be a tough pill to swallow, but I am hopeing that some kind of good may come of this tragedy, like how thankful we all are to have our children safe, and the compassion and charity we give to those less fortunate. We weep with them, and hold hands to bolster them up, and move forward because if we sit and fester, we do not progress.

      I have no ill will for you BQ. I love you and hope for peace for you within any trial you may have.

    9. Anon,
      I have tourettes and my son has autism and I make no excuses for this pile of scum. We don't need to be branded with the likes of him.
      I guess it's easy to talk forgiveness when your kindergartner wasn't slaughtered along with her peers.
      Don't you dare use these things to appeal to me.

    10. Apparently this is a blog where we extol the virtues of self control and restraint over various "urges".
      Except for when it comes to the slaughter of innocent children.
      I think I'm going to throw up. It's too soon, anon. Too soon.
      Sell mercy to me a year from now. Sell it to the parents 50 years from now.

    11. BQ WOW.... just insane how you manipulate what people say... I am sorry but GOD would not call his son regardless of what he did what you say. You know, if it was my kid I would be angry, in fact when someone ran over my son I was angry, but it doesn't negate the fact that regardless of what anyone one of us think that 20 year old child was also a Son of God and as much as I feel so bad for all the ones who are suffering now, I also feel sorry for the young man who decided his life wasn't worth it to do something this terrible. People don't do these type of things unless they are extremely disturbed or have no hope, and I think the later was probably more appropriately what probably happened. No hope and suicidal. How can we expect to have any mercy if we can't have mercy on others.

      I am sorry but your wrong to think that this is too soon. Mental Illness needs to be talked about, mental illness is a real thing. It is far from too soon. I see it all the time in my profession and to get help takes lots of money and access to care. Which is hard for most. The problem I see is that this young man fell through the cracks of our schools, our society. This would not had happened if this young man had realized his worth, and we would not be talking about 27 people he killed, 20 of them little 6 and 7 year olds.

      That is the problem with society, we feel that mercy requires year and years of time, well that is incorrect. How does one expect mercy if they are not willing to give mercy. Especially with this blog, I see nothing but no mercy given on here, and it really bugs me that even when something has horrific as what happened this week happened, we still can't show mercy. I think whoever you worship whether God, things or nature, would expect that out of you.

      Big hugs to the family of this horrible thing that happened. May God comfort them and all the parents and families in that community that now have to remember this. Hugs to the young mans family too. Can you also imagine what that family must be going through knowing their 20 year old son, killed all those kids? I would be horrified. I hope all your burdens are lightened and you feel the love God has for you.

    12. Your first sentence doesn't make any sense.
      I'm sorry your son was run over but I'm guessing that it wasn't a calculated slaugher.
      A 20 year old man is not a child. In fact he has been a legal adult for two years.
      When we blame this horrfic act on mental illness or obcessive thoughts, we stigmatize people like my son or like ME. My son has autism. I have tourettes. Let me tell you about obcessive thoughts. Oh, wait! I forgot! Childhood bullying. I guess that since I was a victim of childhood bullying I can be stigmatized by that as well.
      Do you know how much this piece of crap's father made a year? Nearly a half a million dollars. You can talk to me about kids falling throught he cracks and not getting enough money for therapies and whatnot. I know all about that. But I have a hard time thinking it applies in this situation. I don't know how far $450,000.00 a year goes in Connecticut, but here in Utah, people who are making that kind of money can take their kid to see a shrink. Did you know that he was so socially awkward in school that they assigned him a psychiatrist? Yeah. It sounds like they totally ignored his priblems.
      How dare you blame society? Society is the VICTIM here!
      Go take your pleas for mercy somewhere else. It's not up to me since this sack of crap took himself out before we had the pleasure of trying or electricuting him. There certainly isn't anything to indicate there will be pineapples for him in the next life. That's something I have to live with. But I carry anger and contempt and hatred for him in my heart.

      Oh, and to his (dead) mother who was described as a "gun enthusiest": Great job, mom! Cool! Guns! Bang bang! Neato!

      The only thing I can agree with is that I would be horrified if anybody in my family did this. I would find out about the minimum body disposal requirements in my state and comply with them and do no more. Hopefully a Heafty Bag would suffice. Not a word about the deceased would be spoken. It's really the one thing they can do to show respect to the real victims here.

    13. I think that feelings vary a lot between those who believe in a just God that will make things "right" and take comfort in that.

      And those who so not have the same belief in eternal justice.

      When I am angry or upset, I give it to God to lighten my own load. If I didn't believe it would work.... I'm not sure how I would process the tragedy around us :(

    14. The fact that one belief system is more comforting than the other has no bearing on truth.
      Moreover, it's comforting that I don't have to believe in a god who I find to be to callous and unfair (based on most people's perceptions of him).
      I don't enjoy the comforting aspects but I don't have to swallow the lunacy either.

    15. Really? Really? Do we have to debate about our belief in God (or not) right now? We are all hurting right now over this tragedy. We are all trying to make some sense out of this horrific thing. BQ was simply expressing an emotion in that moment. A very sincere emotion at that. Let's not try to convince her of God's existence, but simply understand that she is hurting and angry about this. Aren't we all? I am. I am so sad I weep thinking about those kids that were killed. I sob thinking about those kids that had to walk past dead kids and a dead teacher who tried to save them. I ache for those parents. My heart breaks thinking about it all. I constantly think this could have been my kid. My kid says, "I am so glad it wasn't my school" and I think, "So am I" and then I feel so guilty because it was at someone's school. And man, am I angry!!! I am so angry! I fantasize about what I would do to this shooter if I got my hands on his live body. I don't want to repeat his name because I don't want him remembered. I want to hurt him like he hurt all those people and there families and those kids and teachers who had to listen to it. And then I feel guilty for feeling so much hatred towards someone. Don't we all hurt right now? Aren't we all searching for answers? Can we just love right now? Let's debate later.

    16. Thank you Lola. This child had autism. He died in his teacher's arms. This is the face I would like to see people associate with autism. Not the face of a murderous monster without a shread of redeeming value.

    17. I've read stories about teachers hiding in bathrooms with their babies and reading them stories to keep them calm and quiet. Those individuals are a special kind of brave and beautiful.

    18. I've hesitated to say anything... But do believe this is worth sharing :


    19. thanks Grey... I read that story to and I believe it because I see kids like that daily who need lots of love an help and can feel hopeless.

    20. I don't know what she was thinking writing a post like this and putting her son's picture on it 72 hours after the incident. She opened her child up to a whole lotta stuff.
      That said, he sounds like a psychopath and I hope she gets him out of the home for the sake of her two other children. Whatever motherlove she feels should be used to protect them. Because he might murder one of them. Even if he doesn't, those kids could both end up with a mess of problems resulting from having to live with a terrorist.

    21. Oh ok!!! BQ knows best!! Obviously abandoning a child to the system is the best way according to her. Real good, lets just tell our kids if you have something wrong, their not worth it and just throw them out. Real good on society....

    22. One child should not be allowed to terrorize the others. He has pulled a knife on his mother so why wouldn't he pull one on his 7 year old sibling?
      Sorry, kids. Your brother is mentally ill. Not his fault. So when he pulls a knife on a family member, the plan is to run to the car and lock yourselves in there! Goodness! What could go wrong with that plan???
      I never said it would be painless to remove him from the home. But his siblings shouldn't have to sleep with one eye open. I'm talking about terroristic threats, anon! Not ADHD. Get a clue.

  10. We also had a good 5 days of each of our daughters getting sick one right after the other. Its sad to have a 2 yr old heaving uncontollably and see the terror in her eyes because she does not understand whats happening to her. We as parents throw out all fear of bodily functions and hold, love, comfort and caress our littles and should never take for granted any precious moment we have with them.

    My way of dealing with these terible tragedies is with help from Captain Moroni, “The Lord suffereth the righteous to be slain that his justice and judgment may come upon the wicked.” He made it clear that the righteous are not lost but “enter into the rest of the Lord their God.The wicked will be held accountable for the atrocities they perpetrate."

    Prayers, tears, and love sent to All those grieving through this heart wrenching time.

  11. amen. i didn't want to post about it either, but it really did impact me. i am so sad for those families, and all i can think to do for them is pray that God will lift them and carry them through this difficult time.

  12. Have you seen this inspiring guy? It made me think of you because of his three daughters.

    For some reason I can't do a link, you'll have to copy and paste I guess. The video is a little ways down into the article.

  13. I am so grateful for your perspective and for the fact that you are willing to share it. Your story has truly helped strengthen me. Thank you.

  14. Thanks for your thoughts, Josh. As a teacher and a mother of two, I couldn't help but think of the families who were not able to dress their children up for Christmas Sunday or wake them Monday morning with a kiss on the forehead and make them pancakes for breakfast let alone telling them how much they love them one last time. Life is precious and unexpected. If only to hold them one more time....