Monday, December 31, 2012

Yuletide Greetings

This is the Third Annual The Weed Electronic Christmas Holiday Card!!!

You'll note that it's the 31st of December. As always, this is a purely strategic move! It's to make sure you're not so saturated with Christmas cards that by the time you see this you no longer have the energy to even read it. I want you to be able to enjoy this Weed update with fresh eyes and an open heart. Because I'm a giver. 

You're welcome! 

(The lateness certainly has nothing to do with the fact that I can barely pay enough attention to what's happening around me to successfully complete a round of Rummikub without messing the entire game up by putting down a non-sequenced set of numbers, let alone get a Christmas card out on time. You're so silly for thinking that has anything to do with it! Hahahahadon'tjudgeme.)

Ahem. Without further ado, let's get this brag-fest family update started, shall we?

Tessa, age 2

Our Little Miss T had a fantastic year this year. She has learned to say words, and she has learned to walk really really good! She might walk better than most two-year-olds, but it's really hard to tell because there isn't an Olympic event for toddler walking, so we're not sure how to gauge her ability with perfect accuracy. But that's okay because she gave us something different to share with you. Tessa is now fascinated with knives! We learned about this fascination when I came into the kitchen one afternoon and she was standing on a chair by the sink holding the largest butcher knife known to man and smiling coyly at me. So as not to scare her, I calmly approached her and said "what do you have there, T?" and she grinned and handed me the hefty blade, and I sighed with relief when she neither accidentally cut off her own face, nor gouged out my good eye with her new toy. We responded to this development by placing the knives on the highest shelf in the kitchen. Because we're good parents.

As you might guess, days later we came in to see her standing on the counter holding the same knife and smiling like she'd found a great treasure.  Clearly this girl has a love for knives and an uncanny ability to acquire them. It's a lot like being an Olympic gymnast. Except with knives and climbing counters and stuff.

Her greatest feat with knife procurement though was when we found her randomly running around the kitchen with a brand-new razor sharp Cutco knife. Not sure if you are familiar with these things, but they are sharp enough to cut through bone, so she was basically running around gleefully with a death-stick that could easily remove entire limbs off her sisters. We risked losing digits getting it from her. We were absolutely baffled by this and had no idea where it came from. Eventually, though, we realized that it was a gift for Lolly which we'd placed under the tree (not knowing what it was). Tessa wasn't interested in presents. She hasn't opened another one before or since--the only gift that called out to her was the knife, and she knew exactly which one it was. We're pretty sure this is a sign of genius. Because nothing says "I have a high IQ" like being able to find sharp metal wrapped in paper left on the ground by incredibly observant parents. Go Tessa!

Next, we have our little Viva le France, age 4.

Viva loves all things fashion and accessories. She also loves animals. (Sidenote: Viva has been in tears several times this year because we will not buy her a real chihuahua for her to carry around in her purse. She has recently decided that instead of a chihuahua she would like a "crinkle" dog (aka a pug). We read up on pugs and learned that they are couch potatoes who don't like to exercise and that they are social, loyal pets. Obviously, with those qualifications the pug is a perfect dog for the Weed household! Our landlords won't allow us to have pets though, so we'll have to wait to initiate Pug Weed into the family until we can buy a place of our own. For now, Felix and Alex, our parakeets, will remain the only Weed pets.) Anyway, we recently discovered that one of the main reasons Viva wants a dog is because she wants to "dress it up." We have caught her many times at her craft table fashioning dog clothes out of paper, tape, and staples. Perfect for warmth in the winter months! If you are interested in having Viva make your pet an outfit, please post your dog's picture and measurements in the comments and she will decide if your pet inspires her or not.

Anna, age 6, has found new meaning in life by expressing her deep-felt emotions through dramatic phrasing.  And also crying. There are.... so many examples of this new dramatic gift that we're hard pressed to choose just a couple. Here's one: Viva was sitting at her craft table trying to make a check book cover out of paper and tape. When Lolly noticed what she was making, she remembered that there happened to be an old check book cover that belonged to her grandfather in the office. (Remember how Lolly is kind of a hoarder?) She gave it to Viva, and Viva was thrilled. When Anna came home from school and learned that Lolly had given that precious family heirloom to Viva instead of her she came running into the office in tears. "Viva gets all of the special things from our grandparents," she said to Lolly. "When it's all said and done, I will have nothing. Nothing but an empty heart!" She refrained from throwing herself to the floor as she said this, but we're not sure why.

Here's another classic: Lolly has been the first counselor in the Primary presidency (the children's organization in the Mormon church) for two years. She was recently released from that calling where she had previously been very involved with the girls, and interacted with them at church every week. We had to tell Anna ahead of time so she wouldn't create a scene at church. This ended up being a wise move. When we told her what was happening, she was immediately moved to tears. "Your time in Primary has passed away!" she gasped, cupping her head in her hands. "I thought you'd be there forever but I guess my dreams have ended. I never thought my dreams would end..." by this point she was full-on weeping.  "It's too horrible to even think about!" Cue: hysterics. (Um, does it mean we're bad parents if we laughed while trying to comfort her?) Pretty much what this means is that when she's a teenager we're totally screwed.

Josh (age 32) and Lolly (age 34)

Well, what is there to say? Truth be told, Lolly and I have had a pretty unremarkable year. Just the same ol' same ol' for us! You know how it goes. Things were so commonplace--so boring and mundane--that there isn't really that much to share. I did write a couple of things, so that was nice, but other than that, things were so standard that there's not a lot worth mentioning. Well, I guess Lolly did finally clear our stainless steal appliances in the kitchen. And I switched out my old toothbrush. Go hygiene! Just livn' the dream. Ya know?

All right. Let's close this sucker out with some family photos. These are of the entire Weed clan minus my brother Chad who is on a mission in Tennessee.

Bottom row: My sister Maquel, her husband Nate Welch, Me, Lolly, Tessa Viva
Middle: My dad, Stew, my mom, Shellie, and Anna
Back row: My sister Jenni holding Parley, her husband Justin Pratt holding Alice, and my brother Chris (who is SINGLE, ladies!!!! Hit me up with an email if interested!!!)
(Photos taken by Tami Baumgartner)

Bonus stair shot!!!

All right, I think that pretty well wraps things up. On a serious note, I'm really, really grateful for the many wonderful things that have happened to my family in 2012. We were healthy, blessed abundantly, and richly benefited by our relationships with family and friends. Each of you reading this is a part of that for me, and I appreciate you stopping by. Genuinely. I hope you have an incredible 2013. I plan to make mine the best year of my life, and I mean that in all sincerity. I hope you do the same. 

Until next year... 


  1. have a very happy new year weed family! i feel that my life has been blessed by finding you guys! <3

  2. Does this mean I don't get a card in the mail? Sad face. But I must say: I burst out laughing at Anna's melodrama. I think she's amazing, and you are NOT bad parents for laughing; you're bad parents for not getting these special moments on video. :)

  3. For Christmas my son received Pug-opoly, A pug shirt I ordered from England, a stuffed toy pug, a pug calendar, and some other stuff. Hearing that pugs are sedentary is almost enough to convince me to get one. Almost. I just have this deep seeded belief that animals are not for houses. Eventually they all crap on something not meant to be crapped on. Anyway, six months ago his autism fixation was angry birds and I'm really glad right now that I didn't get him one of those or our house would be a WRECK. ;)

    Your girls are adorable as always.

  4. My son has also fashioned clothes for his stuffed pugs (he has two now) out of paper and tape.

  5. Putting your brother on display is a good idea. I am sure a lot of single girls see your blog. Hey my brother is single too. Can I send you a picture of him to post? Oh wait, if anyone actually emailed you, they would probably be desperate and creepy. Darn. There are just no easy answers are there?

  6. Inhumanly resisting urge to use punnacious language to describe my utter relief at having a new WeedPost to read!!!

    Happy Christmas!!!
    Joyous New Years!!
    Peace be upon you!

    - Grey

  7. I can't wait to read teenager stories of Anna.

    The Weeds, have a good life this year and all subsequent ones!

  8. I LOVE the melodrama. Thanks for showing me that mine isn't overly dramatic at all in comparison! You win. Sorry, dude!

  9. Thanks you guys! I , too feel blessed for having found your blog. So rare to find such a satisfying blend of humor and soul-baring thoughtfulness. Your girls are adorably quirky:-). Lolly- your hair is so shiny and gorgeous! What is your secret? Josh- thanks for sharing your soul and family with us. Prayers and hugs to you all <3. Happy New Year! ( phew-- so glad my phone finally allowed me to change "bugs" to hugs)

  10. I'll marry your brother if that means that I can have a closer relationship with Lolly so that we will be able to discuss our love for Lionel Richie.

    1. This comment made me laugh out loud. For reals. Not even just a little smile or a snicker, I actually laughed out loud. :D Well done.

  11. A pug would be a wonderful dog for your family. My little one adores my friend's pugs. I loved your family stories. They always make me laugh out loud! As for starting the new year right, I got a positive pregnancy test this morning so yahoo!

  12. Ahhh! You guys are so darn adorable. All of you. Anna. Is. Especially. Hilarious. And Tessa! And Viva. And Lolly. And Josh. SEE? All of you :D
    Your single brother is very cute Josh. Ververcute...hmm. NO. Stahhp. What am I thinking :P
    Wish you all the happiest and most fulfilling 2013 :)

  13. Happy New Year--I always love reading these but especially when they are so funny! Can you write my Christmas -- er -- Valentine's Day greetings too?

  14. Bwahahaha! Way to auction your brother off to the internet. If he's as funny as you, I'm sure he won't be single long.

  15. Thanks for this, Josh! I think it's the only Christmas newsletter I read all the way through! The "I <3 ..." signs were especially clever. This is a steal-worthy idea. Eventually, I'll have opportunity to use it. On that note ... tell me more about this brother of yours. :)

  16. Josh, thank you for the amazing "card." I thoroughly EnjOyeD it!! So did my husband after my burst into spontaneous laughter over Anna's dramatic flair caught his attention! May you be blessed with another actual uneventful year and an overabundance of happiness. Please share more stories and your fantastic writing! :D

  17. I'm FAMOUS! In all seriousness it is weird to know that thousands of people you do not know will see a picture of you.

  18. I always enjoy your Christmas letter post. Loved the updates about your girls. PS we named our new addition Joshua. :-)

  19. Dear Weed family, Thank you for all you have done for me this year. You have blessed my life!! I am so grateful for your posts, your honesty and your enlightening perspective on life. :) Thank you so much for renewing my faith, my spirit and my love of the gospel this year! You will always be in my heart and my prayers. Love love!!

    Also, side note, my favorite part of this post might be Tessa's deranged smile in the knife picture. Well captured! :D

  20. Aahhhh, fascination with knives....I certainly had it when I was a kid. Thankfully, I stuck to dull butter knives - I don't think it ever occurred to me to try for one of the Big Scary Sharp Knives. Probably because I was a wimp when it came to really sharp objects. Anyways, I think this fascination stemmed from growing up idolizing my older brother, who was really into medieval knights and swords and stuff. Lacking a true blade, I just stole butter knives from the kitchen drawers and went around the house pretending to stab stuff and being all knightly. Because that's what knights do. Apparently. Anyways, I never hurt anything alive, but I did wind up stabbing a hole in the wall of my bedroom (it was a boring afternoon, I was in a time-out.....yeah. Not much to explain.) After that, and asking my mom if I could bring my knife to kindergarten (butter knife, remember. I had no intention of hurting anyone with it. I just thought it would be a cool thing to share.) my parents gave me a stern Talking To and I eventually lost my enthusiasm for knives. My older sisters and brother still enjoy recounting this little disturbing anecdote from my childhood. I am #5 of 7 kids, so you can imagine the embarrassment.

    Anyways - apologies for the long story, but hearing of Tessa's knife exploits brought all the memories flooding back. Happy Christmas/New Year! Hope it's a good one. All the best. :)

  21. My youngest daughter is single, super smart, funny and very cute. She preening her tail feathers religiously, what's Chris up to beside being single? :D

  22. Hilarious. I think I spewed y drink over my screen at the mention of your little one yielding her knife. So. Funny.

  23. Haha! Much more fun than the Christmas letter I thought of writing but didn't. And more on time, too.

    What a great idea to make this the best year of your life!

  24. My husband and I had a good chuckle over your girls' antics! Especially because we've been through similar stuff! My husband noted that with such a demonstrative 6 year old, the future years will be especially interesting, but maybe even more interesting with your little Tessa Scissorhands! Perhaps she has a future on Food Network, like on Chopped? They're always talking about the "great knife-work!" haha! Seriously though, you have an adorable family, and I'm so glad that you allow us this glimpse into your lives. Bless you all in 2013!