Thursday, January 31, 2013

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Being Wife is hard!

Hi guys. I'm at a conference.

It's about sex.

Sex addiction, that is.

Anyway, it's really, really, really intense and long and it's been going on for days and I still have days to go and I'm paying a jack-load (is that even a phrase?) of money for this thing so I'm doing the noble thing and trying really, really hard to pay attention.

It's hard, people. But I'm passionate about the subject. So, it's worth it.

Anyway, because of this I'm doing the thing bloggers do when they're really, really busy but they want you to know they haven't died, and that is that I will now post one of my favorite posts from the past along with a tiny update. (This was the update. It's over now.)

Hope you enjoy! (Originally posted on 2-22-11)
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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Being Wife is HARD!

I really feel bad for Wife sometimes.


I mean it. Being at home raising kids all day? NOT always a bag of giggles and a knapsack of laughs. For one thing, you have to deal with a lot of crap. And by crap I mean feces as well as bad behavior from toddlers. For another, your job pretty much boils down to a lot of cleaning.So you're kind of like a janitor. A janitor with no breaks. That has to touch poop. And let babies suck on your body parts. And who doesn't get paid.

Not the most amazing gig if you're reading it in a Craigslist ad, you know?

Seeking highly motivated college graduate to wipe three rectums, cook and clean and turn things on and off and put soiled clothes into a big metal machine over and over while also making sure the three owners of said rectums don't die. Also, do you know CPR? Never mind, just don't let them choke. Also, we will need you to go to the store with them all the time, which will resemble trying to place food items into a rolling cart as three rabid orangutans on crack physically assault you and/or try to run away and die in the parking lot. Also, don't forget to clean! Also, The Weed forgot his lunch. Will you wrangle those orangutans on crack into the car to bring it to him? Also, your job is the easiest in the world! You get no respect from society because you don't WORK! Obviously. 


Compensation: The Weed will occasionally remember to say thank you.  In addition, you can eat the food you bought at the store. If you make it.

Please. Please just let me die now.

Yeah. Sign me right up.


This morning highlighted another way being Wife is hard. Isolation. Not just social isolation--sure that's a very difficult component to this whole experience, the feeling that your closest companion is four years old. But I mean from the world at large. There have been some very conspicuous moments where it became really, really clear just how isolated Wife is becoming here in this house alone with the kids.

Like, when we were talking to some friends the other night on g-chat. One of us brought up the conflict in Egypt and we starting discussing it, and Wife said "Egypt? What's happening in Egypt?"

There was no really easy way to explain to Wife, whose degree was in geography and who, before there were children in the Weed household, used to be much more in touch with current events than I am, that there had been unrest in Egypt for weeks.

Then someone said something about President's day and how it's amazing we now have a black president, and Wife was like "Wait, what? We have a black president? Are you serious? Is it Lionel Richie???"

Okay, so that last part was a joke. But the Egypt part? Real. Just like when the earthquake in China happened. And the earthquake in Haiti. And the oil spill. And when they outlawed Capri pants. Poor girl is totally disconnected from the world and has to rely on me for all news.

That's why, this morning, I snuggled up by her and decided to tell her today's headlines.

"There was an earthquake in New Zealand," I say.

"Oh, they have a new Zealand?!" wife says, looking catatonic with a baby bouncing on her lap. 

"No, sweetheart. It's the same one as before," and I pat her head. Then I hazard, "also, there were four US citizens murdered by Somali Pirates."

To which wife looks bemused and says "I can't imagine Pacific Islanders doing something like that."

Then I pat her head again and whisper "Neither can I, sweetheart. Neither can I." I didn't have the heart to tell her that Somoa and Somolia, in a surprise twist of current events, are different countries.



Somalia is ALMOST in the same hemisphere as Samoa, so it's an easy mistake to make.

Maybe we should have C-span playing in the background so that Wife's mind can become re-invigorated.

Or perhaps it would be prudent to give her a day off?

(For the record, Wife is the one that found the map, immediately located Somalia on the map, immediately located Samoa on the map, and used fancy terms like "degrees of latitude" and "Chinook Winds" during the creation of this post and I just sat there looking stupid and saying ignorant things like "I had NO IDEA Somalia was in Africa!" This does not change the fact that the Somoa/Somalia mix up described actually happened this morning.)

(Also: My favorite part of this entire post? The fact that I was spelling Samoa wrong the whole time, except for in the picture caption. Wife, please come back to me! I need you to spot crap like this before I press "publish"!)


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All right, it's real me again. Tomorrow I'll be posting my FFAQ answer from last week (probably late in the afternoon or evening.) Saturday or maybe Sunday will be check-in. And thus the world will continue turning. 

Adieu.



19 comments:

  1. BEST POST EVER, hands down! I don't know how I didn't read this one earlier when I scowered your previous posts. I feel like the wife in your sad, sad story far too often!!!

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  2. We don't have cable, haven't for 9yrs, and I realized I might need to read news and current events somewhere when everybody I knew was talking about this Katrina chick..... from New Orleans. I was so annoyed that everyone was fixated on this new celebrity I had never heard of. Then a friend asked if I had any clothing to donate to Katrina victims and I was lost.

    Oooooooh its a hurricane. Well I feel stupid.

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  3. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post because it is THE TRUTH to a tee! I am so sick of wiping bottoms and cleaning up poop and pee! Although I wouldn't change a thing! : ) We are off to a hockey tourney. Have an awesome weekend with your girls.

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  4. A total classic I missed! Thanks for reposting. I've SO been there. Not Somalia or Samoa, but the poo/pee/avoiding death mothering period:). Just like with most other hard things...IT GETS BETTER....BUT that still doesn't mean that it won't feel like forever. I recently realized how out of touch I've been with that former period of childrearing when at a book club discussion my younger friends were nonchalantly discussing being vomited on and I was like "wow. They are so gross". Lots of love to Lolly! (I love Geography too but ended up majoring in sociocultural anthropology. I once told my dad, "I really think studying this will help me be a better human being and mother to my future children.". Somewhat true lol!

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  5. Yeah, I was dying laughing. This was possibly the best thing ever. And so, so true. :) Thanks for reposting it.

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  6. I find out if it's a holiday from the school lunch menu. Being a mom teaches nothing if not resourcefulness. Go Wives and Mothers everywhere! I'm giving you all a raise!

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  7. Bwahahahahaha! That was one of my favorite posts! Glad to see it again!

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  8. Yeah... In my area most families are dual income. Someone (regularly) at parties ALWAYS brings up the 'not working' = 'not contributing' thing.

    Ready?

    Set?

    ROLL those eyes with me!!

    My personal fav was from a family who was paying $5,000 and change each month in daycare costs. Dad now stays at home. They had. Never. Done. The. Math. They honestly didn't realize that one person staying home would save them 5k each month. Except it actually ended up saving them 7k. (Bumped down a tax bracket, saved $400 a month in parking, gas, etc.).

    I mean, paying to work (when daycare costs more than you make) makes sense in certain situations (career advancement, impending divorces, etc.). But the sheer number of people I know working dead end jobs, full time, that they hate, to make $100 a month or actually be paying to work... Is ridiculous.

    Yeah. I'd say the stigma of "not working" is Linebacker WHOOMPH.

    Yet... Somehow... Nannies and teachers are both respected positions in society. Go figure.

    -Grey!

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  9. Whoops! Should add... In our area average daycare costs $1600 a month. So 3 kids in daycare = $4800 per month.

    That price only goes UP.

    2 hours of afterschool care at the Y is $500 a month.
    Per kid.

    -Grey!

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  10. so many sex addiction conferences!

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  11. "I'm at a conference.

    Its about sex. "

    Anyone else think this sounds like a totally fun place to be? And, yet, probably not-so-much. Like a swimming pool at a hospital sounds AWESOME. Except for the part of needing to be in the hospital. With their pesky prerequisites of, you know, poking death in the eyeball.

    -Grey!

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  12. Oh heavens, that was funny! It reminded me of my freshman year at BYU. I lived in the dorms and the only TV in the building was in the basement, so I didn't watch any TV that year. And I wasn't big on reading the newspaper because I was trying to keep my head above water with all my new college challenges. I went to my sociology class one day and the professor started talking about Elian, and I had NO IDEA what he was talking about (remember that kid that floated over from Cuba 13 years ago?). Everyone else in the room was nodding and contributing, but after living in the black hole that was Deseret Towers, I felt like I came from a different universe. Fortunately, these days, if someone asks you something you can hop on Google and appear educated and informed when you really don't know diddly squat. Anyway, after freshman year was over I moved into an apartment with a TV and I soon learned my new roommates did virtually nothing but watch Dawson's Creek, and I felt like my eyes were burning for the first few weeks. :)

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  13. I just read your article in the Deseret News which had been hiding in my inbox until I caught up on getting caught up with it. My heart is deeply touched and I want to wish you all the best! I've devoted my career as an LDS author to facing topics that often make people uncomfortable, but I can testify that it has the potential to do much good when done in the proper spirit. I look forward to seeing all the good that you will continue to do! God bless, Anita Stansfield

    contact@anitastansfield.com

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    Replies
    1. Hey Anita,
      LOVE your books. That's all I wanted to say.

      Delete
  14. Thanks for the post Josh! I sure needed that dose of levity in the midst of all the chaos. Thanks for posting even though it sounds as though you are super busy.

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  15. I am so glad you re-posted this. It resonates with me so much more now than it did the first time you posted it. Being a mother is so hard, especially with two. She's lucky yo have you.

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  16. This post can't be true because you used the word adieu, which is obviously French.

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  17. Might be a good idea to tell Lolly that a meteorite hit Russia!

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