Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Instead of a vibrator, this year I got...

All right, there were three gifts that I couldn't not share from Christmastime.

Two are hilarious. One was really touching.

First, the touching. My sister-in-law Mickelle (whose blog you should definitely read) made this for me and Lolly:

The subtitle says: "A love story gone viral and how it changed minds and lives."


She called it The Sentimental Weed.
In it is a bunch of the more meaningful comments I've gotten on this blog since last June intermixed with photos of my family, and photos from all the events we've been a part of since my coming out. It was really really neat to see all of that stuff compiled in such a beautiful way and Lolly and I were very moved. It was the perfect encapsulation of all of the amazing things that have happened to us over the last six months. I would never have thought of doing something like that myself, yet somehow it was the perfect gift I never knew I wanted.

Much thanks, Stella.

Okay, and now on to the ridiculous:

My BIL (I have good in-laws, can you tell?) Nate stayed up for hours and hours Christmas Eve working on a gift for me and he didn't even draw my name in our family name-draw. Because that's the kind of guy he is.

Here is me opening this gift:

Note the sugared cereal in the background. It's a Weed family tradition. Except that when we were little, a box of sugared cereal was one of our presents. We were from Kearns, after all. 


When I opened his gift, I feasted my eyes upon this:



Yes, you are seeing a cross-stitch. And yes, it's from a joke I told in this old post where I said I wanted that phrase cross-stitched and hung in my bathroom. And yes, as an added bonus, he also found a pattern for poop online and cross-stitched that sucker in as well.

I love it. Maybe a little too much. And rest assured, it will find a permanent home in my bathroom.

The final gift is so perfect I almost can't believe it happened.

So there's this white elephant gift exchange that some friends of ours do around Christmastime. And I have a loooong history of getting the most awkward gifts known to man at this gift exchange

The first notable gift I got was this one two years ago.


Yes, that is a vibrator.




And yes, I gave it as a prize in my 100th follower giveaway. It was pretty amazing, and the spirit of giving was in the air. As was a vibrator. After I mailed it. (Or wait, I think the winner picked it up in person, but that's less funny...)

The next year, I got this:


Yes, that is a male thong.

It even has bells on it!

AND NOBODY KNEW I WAS GAY BACK THEN so Lolly and I laughed really, really hard and almost nobody understood why. It was tragic.

Anyway, we went this year thinking that it was gonna be really hard to top the previous two years. Yet, somehow I got the absolute perfect gift. Are you ready????

"Excellent source of sparkles!!"

You are correct. That is Unicorn Meat. I'm pretty sure I don't have to explain why this was probably the most fitting gift ever this year. But wait there's more! It actually opens up, and you get:

Unicorn haunch!!!!!


Don't worry, it was a humane killing. Or so they claim.

A better, more fitting gift could not be imagined, methinks.

Wanna see the nutritional information and stuff? Of course you do!!!





So, yeah, I pretty much made out like a bandit this year. Again. I'm not sure why, but somehow this Christmas was one of the more magical, wonderful ones I've had since entering adulthood. My whole family was there (minus missionary Chad, but we got to talk to him) and it was just really chill and fun and my mom slept really well in the hotel even though she's sick and my dad and I had some really great talks and everyone was happy and just glad to be together. And I really loved it. And these gifts were icing on the cake.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go eat some unicorn steak... it's so moist and delicious!



65 comments:

  1. I laughed so hard. Unicorn meat!!! Someone posted that on facebook, but i didn't think it was an actual physical can of something. That is too cool

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    1. Yeah. I love it. I'm not gonna lie.

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  2. My gosh... Amazing! (And thanks for clearing up the title...)

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    1. Ha, I was actually self-conscious about that title. Pre-June of last year I would have posted it without batting an eye, but now I'm all "wait, do I want people to know my sense of humor that well?"

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  3. I totally was first until my phone went deadxx...
    That. Was. A. De. Light!!!

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    1. Next time. You've got this, I know it. I believe in you. (Plus, we've met on an escalator one time, so you deserve to be first next time).

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    2. Josh Weed. You just made my 2013! You remembered me! Don't you feel like Elvis now? Or maybe The Fonz? ( Because either of them are a step above Lionel Richie, no offense Lolly. You are cooler than Pinky Tascadero:-) ). I know it was kind of lame that I didn't descend, but I knew you'd been there already FOREVER and...I'm shy and break out in strange rashes when I'm overwhelmed with emotion- good, bad or ugly)

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  4. This brought me out of lurkdom to post. I was having a really awful, rotten morning, then I log on to find a Weed post! Hooray for small blessings.

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    1. Thanks for emerging from lurkdom! It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance!

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  5. The website where they got that is called thinkgeek.com and it is just about the most fantastic place on the internet.

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  6. Oh my heck, so totally awesomely funny, :D. Mr. iDM and I are currently traveling, laughing so hard, and could possibly wrecked as I tried to show him the pictures while he's driving!! Gotta love all those wonderful white elephant gifts. One of our favorites that has been passed around through the years is a farmer's instruction manual on breeding goats ;) lol

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    1. Oh, that one sounds like an absolute winner!

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  7. Alright... Honesty Time:

    1500 or so unicorn comments
    Hundreds of regular comments

    BUT

    ROFLMBO Who else is wondering if their comments made the Love Gone Viral memoir???

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    1. Ha, I love that! If you tell me who you are (here or in private) I'll tell you if your comment was one of them ;-)

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  8. My favorite part of the Unicorn Meat Can

    "This is not an actual food item, do not consume"

    I wanna know who tried.

    "I dunno, Yvette, it tastes a little dry." / "Mmmmm. Nom, nom." / "I was going to cook this for dinner! Waaaaaah!!!!" / et cetera.

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    1. Seriously. "Um, I just got cotton in my braces. From eating a Unicorn? WTH?"

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  9. AWESOME!!! This is truly what the spirit of giving is all about! Any gift(s) that bring joy, laughter, and sore cheek muscles to the recipient AND others who are fortunate enough to hear about said gift(s), is PRICELESS!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!

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    1. My pleasure! They are the gifts that keep on giving...

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  10. That. Is. Fantastic. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself.

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    1. Lolly does that from time to time. Sometimes it becomes a terrible game where I'm trying to get her to laugh/pee just a little. Because I'm cruel. And also because it's hilarious.

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  11. Ack!!! You're making me laugh, which is not a good thing right now as I have a nasty, lingering cough as part of the cold from hell. Laughing sends me into coughing spasms where I feel like everything is falling out of my body (not in a good way!).

    Glad you had a good Christmas, though :-) Love and hugs for your mom. I saw mine on Christmas Day. She didn't say much due to the Alzheimer's, but she at least still remembers me and even knew the names of her adult grandchildren who were there.

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    1. Oh, that's good to hear! It's so brutal. So, so brutal.

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  12. Awesome post. And I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has a story behind the words "We were from Kearns". So nice to have someone who can relate. :)

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    1. Kearns pride! Did you go to Kearns High?

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    2. Ok, no. I lived in Kearns from kindergarten through 5th grade. So for a little while after I moved I felt that whole "We were from Kearns" vibe. Then it gradually faded. But for awhile there I really felt like part of the town! (Went to Western Hills and everything. I knew Lolly.) :)

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    3. We used to live on the Kearns / Tville boarder. Seriously 1/3 of a city block away. We shared a zip with Kearns so I'd always get mail that said Kearns on it and I'd be like IT'S TAYLORSVILLE fool!
      Now we're on the Taylorsville Murray border. Still in Tville, but the border is in my back yard. I could throw a frisbee there and I can't throw a frisbee. Seriously you have to be from the West Side of the Valley to understand why all this is important.

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    4. Border. I was not a boarder there.

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  13. The mangled unicorn meat reminded me of Anna and the Bambi nuggets. Like father, like daughter, no? :)

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    1. So true! I thought the same thing, ha.

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  14. Two questions: 1)Where are these Christmas parties taking place where you have such fan-freaking-tastic White Elephant exchanges? and 2)Why am I not invited to said AWESOME parties?!

    Kudos to whoever found the unicorn meat!! I would've have thought you could top the previous two gifts! I can't wait to see what you get next year Josh!!

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    1. Two answers: Seattle. And you are invited.

      I can't wait to see what next year brings. Every year I go in thinking "I'm gonna be disappointed" yet every year I come out with something magical.

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  15. BTW, my kids got boxes of cereal as Christmas presents from Santa this year. I can't be held fully responsible though...my daughter did ask for Fruit Loops specifically in her letter to the Big Guy. My Kearns blood runs through and through...

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    1. We had that year!!!

      Although I'm wracking my brain right now trying to remember which it was... I have the creeping suspicion that my kiddo aaked for a 'healthy' cereal.

      ::blushes::

      Because I'm a terrible mum, who sees Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs & my eyes fly open and I dance the box to my cart... So my child is forced to ask Santa for whole grains & vitamins.

      I got the most 'Do you need directions to a food bank?' Look of reproach from the mall Santa that year.

      On second thought... I'm erasing this memory from my data banks. Whistling, and walking away.

      Gotta love kids' wish lists, though! :D

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  16. My best friend from high school got the unicorn meat for a present one year. I thought it was hilarious, but she for some reason did not, and I'm pretty sure she cried... Haha. It seems like you guys had a great Christmas, though! Keep up the great posts!

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    1. Aw. Sensitive heart. I had one of those once...

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  17. Your family is really centered on sex...

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    1. Was trying to decide on three different responses for this awesome comment, and I've decided to share all three!

      1. Not sure if you've heard, but that's how biology works.

      2. That's disappointing. We were going for centered on drugs. You probably haven't even looked at the blog title, have you?

      3. So, I see you've met my aunt. Really, really sorry about that...

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    2. Your reply here might have even been funnier than the unicorn meat. Well done.

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    3. I just laughed so hard my dog came to see if I was okay.
      -G!

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    4. Well its just weird!

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    5. OMG-sh!!!! Peeerrrrrr-feeeeect!!! Do they not get that sex is a bit weird? I have given birth to 8 children... so I should know... lol LOVE your response!!! Keep it coming! (when do we get to meet your aunt? ;)

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  18. Our parents must have passed around the cereal thing. :-) That was alway part of our Christmas too.

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    1. It's Kearns, Karin. Kearns did that to us. We will always be Kearns kids.

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  19. I got my husband and brother-in-law both unicorn meat for Christmas this year! I also got a light saber umbrella which is truly awesome from thinkgeek, and bacon band aids. yup. bacon. We did a themed present for my brother-in-law to start his 72 hour kit (first aid, food, shelter...) It was pretty funny- if you haven't been to thinkgeek yet, I promise it will inspire blog posts!

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    1. Yeah, it sounds like my dreams will come true at thinkgeek. I've never been, but apparently I should!

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  20. My Dad got a pizza cutter shaped like the starship Enterprise from thinkgeek for Christmas. Its really a great website.

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    1. That sounds incredible. I'm def. gonna check it out!

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  21. Ok I will stop lurking also. To ask who won the next giveaway? Or did you just keep it?

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    1. Ha, good question! I did a randomized drawing and it ended up going to Lolly's sister Kimmie.

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  22. Maquel's gift was awesome. Did she post any of my comnents on it? Oh, well. Even if the didn't, still cool.

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    1. It seems I have confused Maquelle and Mickelle. Anyway...

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    2. I know, isn't that funny? My sister's name is Maquel, and Lolly's brother married Mickelle. So, my kids have two aunt Maquel/Mickelles (pronounced the same). AND my inlaws almost named their last daughter Maquel also, but then decided on Kaitlyn instead. Which is probably good. Because now my kids are only partially confused by the whole thing, as opposed to baffled for life.

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    3. What part of Kearns are you from?

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    4. So, Lolly and I grew up on West Slope Drive. I guess I'd say it's relatively near 5400 South and 5600 West. I know there was a Maverick on 5600 right near where West Slope Drive is. And a pedestrian overpass. Not sure if this is providing you with a mental image, but that should give you the general idea.

      We have such good memories there. Just a few months ago I went to my old house and the people living there let me tour it. It was so surreal.

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    5. Before you said it, I was like "Oh, by the Mav!"
      I got to tour the house I grew up in on 54th and 3400 (in the pit) b/c 15 years after my parents sold it, my mom happened to learn that her coworker owned it. 4 bedroom 1 bath 1 car garage. 1400 square feet w/ 5 kids and two adults.

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  23. I totally forgot about the man thong! Priceless!

    I'm really glad the poop will make it on your bathroom wall, it is so fitting in regards to family cards.

    Our family is weird, isn't it awesome?

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  25. This English brought to you has been by Yoda on a Morphine Drip.

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  26. The male thong & nobody knowing you were gay is the most hilarious part of this post. I wish I was there for that.

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  27. I don't know what kind of camera you have, but my guess is that it is a point and shoot, and my second guess is that it has a macro setting (often a picture of a flower).
    Next time you want to take a detail shot of your unicorn meat nutritional facts, use the flower!

    (this little photographic tidbit was brought to you by your friendly, neighborhood, unemployed photographer. enjoy!)

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  28. My Internet security blocked this post for, not just "pornography," but "Portugese pornography"!

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