Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Ten things a husband should never say to a stay at home mom as he gets home from work

I'm so freaking amazing at graphic art....

Top ten things a husband should never say to a SAHM when he gets home from work

10. Is that what you wore all day?

9. You remind me so much of my mom.

8. You don't need a break. You've been home all day!


7. I have a really busy day tomorrow. Since you're not doing anything, can you run some errands for me?

6. Hey, I brought you something *hands over a bag full of dirty Tupperware from lunch*

5. Listen, I think I've come up with a system to help you keep the house cleaner during the day...

4. Man, I wish I had a job where I could wear pajamas all day and do whatever I wanted...

3. Why are the kids never this happy to see you?

2. I really hope that smell isn't dinner...

1. I've had a really long day. Can't you keep the kids quiet?

Can you think of any others?



62 comments:

  1. 11. You were at home all day and all you did was bathroom?!?!

    12. Frankly, if I were stay-at-home dad I would do a much better job.

    13. You have so much free time, it may be a good idea that you help our budget with a side job.

    14. Please, clean this mess while I take a nap, and then later on we will have sex.

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  2. I'd say you nailed it.... LOL! Never say the things.. that's for sure!!

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  3. Ha! Love it! After 10 years of me staying at home, my husband knows better :)

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  4. *The kids look like they haven't had a bath all day.
    *Didn't you have time to at LEAST make dinner you didn't leave the house today?
    *The house looks like a hurricane hit it (though she knows it was clean 10 seconds ago and her little helpers wanted to find a lost doll that they HAD to play with)

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  5. I turn to your posts for uplift and support and found this disappointing, and uncompassionate. There's all sorts of humor for all sorts of reasons and yours is usually of a higher caliber, celebrating the joys associated with family life and the enthusiasm of childhood, a humor with love, full of charity. I'm deciding whether it's a good idea to share these thoughts, but it really wasn't fun being reminded of things that happened in my failed marriage...I'm being sensitive, I know, but you're making a name for yourself as the place promoting sensitivity! It feels like you're a friend, I was worried you'd be crestfallen in reading this as the first response to a post you felt tickled about, so I do apologize for being a grey cloud, and appreciate that you do have reverence and respect for us stay at home moms. Please keep posting :) I'd be happy to share my identity to put my name behind my comment...I don't know how lol and don't want it directly included here as a personal communication. You are respected and appreciated, though!

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    1. I think Josh is trying to get across to husbands to BE more sensitive to their stay at home wives by NOT saying these sorts of things. Luckily for me my husband hasn't ever said these things, he just gets to work helping me with the kids when he sees the house is a disaster. But I have quite a few friends whose husbands are NOT as sensitive and do say or imply these exact things to their wives when they get home.

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    2. I think the reason it comes across as insensitive is because when they are listed as 'things you shouldn't say' it kind of implies that they are things you should keep to yourself, i.e. you think it's true but know better than to say it out loud.

      which does feel a little demeaning to a SAH mom, even though I know it wasn't the intention.

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    3. I believe the spirit behind this post was that men sometimes THINk this of their spouses, but that it is so far away from the reality. My husband would like to be a stay at home dad and I know myself well enough that these would be things that I would think from time to time, but none of it would be true so if he ever stays at home, I best be keeping my mouth shut and be thankful for his support.

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    4. I have had all those things said to me and more as I was a stay at home Mom during the day and then worked nights while pregnant with our third child . I really think you're over reacting. It does show husbands need to be sensitive and its seems likelike his usual funny posts to me.

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  6. Oh, the misunderstood SAHM... I hope you didn't learn all these things by experience! That's rough for the SAH parent.

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  7. I think a relationship shoul be about mutual respect. I have been a SAHM mom for the past 9 years and due to personal circumstances that are completely beyond my control, that will be coming to an end soon. It deeply saddens me. Life is tough when you feel isolated and unappreciated and overwhelmed by kids. Still, I would give anything to be in that situation again with those problems that used to seem so hard. My new situation that includes enrolling in school in the fall at 36 and raising two children alone seems much more unbearable. I should have gotten out of bed two hours ago. Can't.
    My advice to everybody currently in a stable nuclear marriage is to try to appreciate your spouse's efforts and look at it as a partnership. Whatever those efforta are. This goes both ways. Nobody should be taken for granted.

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    1. Sorry BQ.. I wish I could give you a hug or something.. or just talk. That sucks.

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    2. BQ, I can empathize with you. Although I did work part-time for awhile, I was mostly a SAHM when divorce happened. Then I continued to work part-time, went back to school, and raised 6 beautiful children! It was hard to get out of bed, but I kept persisting! I heard a saying recently that applies, "Women are like tea-bags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water." Hang in there!! I'll be praying for you!

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    3. "My advice to everybody currently in a stable nuclear marriage is to try to appreciate your spouse's efforts and look at it as a partnership. Whatever those efforta are. This goes both ways. Nobody should be taken for granted."

      Amen, Sister friend.

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    4. Chris, thanks. I posted the teabag saying on my fb wall in the days following my separation. I wasn't even having fun with the term teabag like I normally would. ;)

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    5. I'm doing the same thing (or similar, at least, mine is via divorce).

      I have an almost opposite view.

      Even though being a SAHM is my favorite job... I SHOULD have divorced my husband years and years ago.

      There are GOOD people, who just open mouth & insert foot "What did you DO all day?"... And then there are people like my ex who was in all ways abusive... But made enough £ for me to stay at home.

      The list above?
      My daily tragedy.

      I was TERRIFIED of my husband coming home from work... Because I knew it would never be good enough for him. Until I realized I had it backwards. It wasnt MYSELF, nor us, nor our home, nor how I did my 14-24 hr a day job that wasnt good enough.

      A 1000 ways a day he proved HE wasn't good enough.

      Disrespect
      Scorn
      Hurtfulness
      Disbelief
      Degrading
      Debasing

      Was I lucky to stay home with my son?
      Yup.

      But I am SO much luckier to be raising my son on my own, working, than dealing with another day of systematic abuse.

      I'm beyond broke (losing my house, can't fix my car, can't pay my bills)....

      ... But every day without my Ex in it is a blessing.

      I get that you said "stable" nuclear family... Which probably means you weren't including those of us in abusive situations... But we LOOKED stable. 6 figure dad, SAHM, 2 cars, house in nice neighborhood.

      We were financially stable, at least.

      My Ex made a LOT of efforts... It just that none of them included being nice to his wife of over 10 years, and his child.

      So I loooooooove this list :)
      Because as a lesson in "how not to be"? My ex is a shining example. Sure, he made (makes) money hand over fist (also paid for some stellar lawyers for him in our divorce). Not worth treating your family like garbage.

      And, while I LOVED being a SAHM, I hope no one who is reading this list is a SAHP putting up with being treated like garbage in order to be one.

      Its not worth it.

      And its reeeeeally not worth your children learning that that is how one is supposed to treat people.

      Hugs.
      I'm sorry things hurt right now.

      - Grey

      Delete
  8. I love when my husband says those things and others to me when he comes home.

    *I just want to sit and relax, can't you do the dishes? I'm tired.
    *Your day is so EASY compared to mine.
    *It's not hard running errands with the baby!

    -Allison

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  9. "I went to the most AMAZING restaurant for lunch today. You would have LOVED it." (This particularly NOT effective when she has a few elbows of Kraft mac-n-cheese still stuck in her hair).

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  10. my hubby knows my job is much harder then his....especially since I support him in his goals, take care of 5 kids, keep in contact with the other 4 out of state, do all the work for the house, 8 chickens, 5 cats, my church callings, remodeling the house, finances for the family.....
    all this while dealing with health issues that sometimes puts me in bed for a week at a time
    as understanding as my hubby is, there are days he'll say stupid stuff like "Can you make my lunch for me?" while he's sitting there looking at sports stats online....and I'm doing the dishes, helping our homeschooled kids with homework and talking to a creditor on the phone
    silly man....
    Heaven for me would be being abe to get Mani/Pedi, eat chocolate and watch my hubby vacuum....in an apron ;)

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  11. The most classic one: "So what did you do all day?"

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  12. It wasn't long ago that I fit that profile of a husband. I'm not perfect at it still. Someone told me once that when you return home that you say to your bride: "What are three things I can do for you right now?" That has worked wonders (when I remember to ask them) and is an instant moral builder for my wife after she worked all day. Thanks for the humor in your posts Josh. They're a great reminder on how we can be better spouses.

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  13. Not an addition but a related thought: I always appreciated that Mitt Romney would say his wife's job (as a SAHM) was harder than his. He became a bit of a champion for other SAHMs!

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  14. Bwahahaha! Tupperware! So the other day, my husband comes home from work and says, "I got you something!". (did I mention it was valentines day?). I say, " Oooo, what did you get me?". With a bemused look on his face, he hands over a plastic shopping bag, and says, "Tupperware."

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  15. "What did you do today"?
    Husband *always* asks me that and I hate it... one, because I think it implies that he really wonders what I did with 12 hours, and two, it's pretty depressing to recount in intricate detail the same mundane tasks every day because he wants to know.
    I know it's supposed to be a couples tactic to show interest in your spouses life, but it doesn't seem to work on me that way.

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    Replies
    1. That phrase is ALL about tone!!!

      Its only "connecting" language if its asked in very very specific tones. You know, the kind that make you not want to throttle someone.

      Had a stellar counselor once who joked

      "Not that way! Never ask that way! Not unless you haven't seen the person for a month! Or don't want to for a month!"

      The reccomedation instead if the phrase which shall not be named was

      - Best
      - Worst
      - ___________.
      (Funny, Beautiful, Godshot, Weird, etc. Anything optional that should be shared. Check THIS out!)

      - Grey

      Delete
  16. Oh wow, the cleaning one hits home. Related: "Did you sweep UNDER the couch, or just around it?" and "Did you move the furniture when you swept?" I was only a SAHM for about 9 months, but I was about ready to shove him under the couch for that one.

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  17. Sorry, but I think this "top ten" list perpetuates the stereotype of the dumb, insensitive, slobby "man" that's almost become a type of reverse discrimination. I find it hard to believe that any man would say any of these things to his SAHM wife in this day and age, and if so, it's a sad commentary on men in general. I'm not married, but my girlfriend's a SAHM with an 11-year-old daughter and I know for a fact that she works harder than I do every day from sunup to sundown.

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    1. LOL... Its not just men!

      My area has a high percentage of SAHDs.

      Their wives either open-mouth-insert-foot as often as their male counterparts do, or are as self centered (of course being at home means its not "real" work), or are as clueless (I strongly reccomed 1 day a week where the WP is responsible for the kids from breakfast to bedtime... While the SAHP sleeps until they wake up, then promptly leaves the house, for at least 52 weeks.), or are as "well intentioned" as men are. Really, I think it has almost nothing to do with sex/gender.

      Totally anecdotally I've noticed dual income areas are the worst as far as general snubbing of SAHPs. (Even though nannies mke 2500-5000 a month, with time off, sick days, etc... And is a respected position). Just my observation, but the less normal, the less understood, the less appreciated.

      My PERSONAL "favorite" snub is the "now that they're in school all day aren't you going to do something?"

      1) Ive been "doing something" 14 hours a day, plus being on call all night, 7 days a week, 365.

      2) So now that my job has normal working hours... You want me to take on a 2nd job?

      But as a SAHM for years and years, its far from "men", its men & women. One's own spouse is in good company with millions.

      Check out parenting forums. The SAHP v WP is a hot button debate (who has it harder, who "deserves" respect)... With a lot of general disdain for SAHPs, and very little understanding for what being a SAHP actually entails.

      ((My vote, whenever that debate comes up, is "both"... Just by the by. Parenting is hard. Period. Actual parenting deserves respect. Period. Involved & active parents can be SAHP or WP. Neglectful awful parents can be SAHP or WP.))

      But back on target: EVERY stay at home parent I know has been on the receiving end of these types of comments. Even by the best of husbands/wives.

      "Oh no. I just said that! I'm an idiot!!" happens to most.

      - Grey!

      Delete
  18. It worse when your kids do it to you.. So mom "what did you do today, it doesn't seem like you cleaned at all?" I want to throw a temper tantrum and say, I worked, I did school work, I drove all your siblings around and went to the store for YOUR FOOD and YOUR stuff, I deposited stuff at the bank, I cleaned up my own room, I did 3 loads of laundry. And then I want to say your old enough to clean up your own darn stuff!!...

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    1. I'm so glad you asked! I'll make you a list & you can do it tomorrow!

      Wah-ah-ah-aaaaah

      - Grey!

      Delete
  19. Haha thanks Josh! Me and my hubby were laughing out loud at these! Definitely needed this today.

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  20. Aunt Sue
    What did you do all day?

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  21. Spot on again Josh! Still laughing

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  22. You know, we could afford to buy my video games/things for my hobby/go out more/any other number of things I would like to spend money on if you would just get a part-time job. You could work evenings and weekends so we didn't have to worry about daycare.

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  23. Thanks! This is much better than yet another video of the Harlem Shake!

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  24. oh my....laughed my rear off (wish that would really happen!). My favorite "that smells like toxic waste...is it dinner?"

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  25. Hilarious!!! Thankfully my husband knows better. :) We make sure I go out of town every once in a while so that he knows EXACTLY what my job entails.

    A memory that we both laugh at {now} was when I was pregnant and suddenly started vomiting while brushing my teeth. He looked over to the bathroom where I was and said, "If you're going to do that could you shut the door?" Apparently the look I gave him communicated a death sentence. Haha. He quickly realized what a jerk-attitude he had and for the rest of my pregnancy he would come running to hold my hair back if I so much as gagged. :)

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    1. Oh my gosh, this is the worst one I've ever heard and made me lol! I totally would've killed him.

      What I hate is him coming home every weekend--every weekend--and saying, "This is nothing against you, but I'm so sick of spending my weekends doing nothing but cleaning house. I wish I could just come home and relax and do nothing or do something that I want to do." First of all, how can I not take that personally? Who are you complaining about, the cleaning fairy? Secondly, yeah, I would like to come home and enjoy my weekends doing nothing or doing more things that I enjoy, too. Why don't I do that more often? Oh, that's right--because I never get weekends.

      This is life, dear husband of mine. And until the kids are all old enough to clean up after themselves and help out with chores, a dirty house is just the way it's going to be.

      Delete
  26. #1 !!! What did you DO all day?

    #2 !!! You know, EVERYONE ELSE can ________

    #2.5 !!! At JOEL'S house, his wife _________

    #3 onwards... Yours :D


    # Also (I forgot to tell you...)

    ... my mom's coming to stay with us for a month. Can you help her bring in her bags?

    ...theres a formal party downtown in an hour work is putting on, can you get a sitter? (Um. And a dress??? Shoes? Hair? )


    # Surprise! More!

    - Hey! I have so n so's kids with me! I told them you'd babysit so we can go to a concert at the Gorge this weekend. (We, being him and his friends. The kids, all 4 being in diapers.)

    - I told Sarah at work that since you're just home all day anyway that you can ______________. She needs you tonight, though, so she won't have to waste her time in the morning explaining. So, after you get dinner on the table, just head on over there. Oh. I'm really tired, so can you take TheKid with you? Well he can eat in the car. She's WAITING for you. Don't embarass me here.

    - I found the PERFECT job for you! Its at night, so we won't have to pay for daycare!


    # S'more (food related!)

    - I ate on my way home

    - Im meeting friends for dinner at (fill in restaurants name here)

    - Hi! I'm (husbands new boss, husbands new mistress, some homeless guy off the street). I hope Im not early.

    ((I actually like having people over for dinner. But I do like
    - to know ahead of time
    - to know who they are
    - for TheEx not to be 4 hours late to dinner when he's invited people over
    - for my husband not to be committing adultery with them
    - not to be violently ill
    - for that not to have been the ONE night a year that I had for girls night.

    The girlfriend thing actually happened. Twice. One he told we had an open marriage (nope), the other he bragged about how he was helping out this poor single mom by renting out part of his house to us. She, not being a moron, was suspicious. We actually had a lovely dinner that night. TheEx's face, when he walked in, was priceless. Truly. Priceless.

    Oh. So did the homeless guy thing. TheEx told him he was missing dinner at home (going out for dinner with friends), so should show up at our address and take TheEx's place. Plenty of food.

    ((Oh. He's TheEx for soooooo many reasons))

    -Grey!

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  27. Sometimes, it's best not to say anything other than "Hi, honey" when you come home. ANYTHING else you say will either be ignored because it's not worthy of her attention, or it will be misinterpreted in the worst possible way and result in your head getting bitten off.

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  28. Someone mentioned 'an apron'. Reminded me about something that happened at our house just the other day.

    We were doing a bunch of 'extra' things around the house & yard to get ready for a family party we were having. My husband had literally JUST COMPLETED all the tasks on his 'honey-do' list, that I had color coded on a spreadsheet for him with several days worth of JOBS. (I always do that to 'organize' the family when we have to all pitch in and buckle down to get alot of 'stuff done in a jiffy - it's been working for us for years - lol)

    So, as we walked out to the car to get the groceries we needed for the party, I saw my neighbor (the husband) standing outside, shaking rugs, and he was wearing an apron! :D I said to my hubby, "wow! - look at that! - you just gotta love a man in an apron doin his chores" ;) ~~

    To which my husband replied, "you mean that after all I've done around here, and even completed by honey-do list in no time flat, you would be even MORE impressed if I had been wearing an APRON?" lol

    I just wanna say that, I totally LOVE my awesome husband, who 'used to' occasionally say (or imply) some of the insensitive things, but is NOW a completely 'new' man, who is patient and kind and thoughtful and loving and helpful and respectful, etc. Which is truly more SEXY than any man in an apron will ever be. :)

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  29. If my husband told me I sound like *MY mom or I'm acting like my mom that would be so low. It would be a compliment if he told me I was like his mom since he likes her so much but hates my mom. hee hee!

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  30. This problem has been pretty much eliminated in our house. My husband works the overnight so I run a split-shift at home. I do my housework after he leaves and finish after our son goes to bed. I sleep for several hours before he gets home. Then I get up with the kiddo and get his breakfast and take him to school before returning home and finishing my sleep while my husband sleeps. (We live in a one-bedroom apartment so doing housework while he sleeps in the living room is NOT an option. LOL) As for the questions about what I do, I leave him a note on his chair that details what was done in his absence, the presence of another child due to a sleepover upstairs, the absence of our child due to a sleepover downstairs, and (if necessary) the reason/s why certain things didn't get finished. Works for us! *grin*

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  31. My favoutites (mostly from my time as a rookie wife and mom):

    #1: I ate at my Mom's already. But don't be sad I will eat it for dinner. *sees that I was catering it all day just for him... (At Hungary we usually eat something like dinner at lunchtime, and maybe something like lunch at dinnertime - some people eat dinner just like you after a dinnerlike lunch...)
    This was k.o. for me at the first years of our marrige. Luckily he changed and I'm not so sensitive...

    #2: I hope, it doesn't disturb you that I washing the dishes. "Somebody" must do it...

    #3: Have you rested well? *he knows that I brought the kids to the kindergarten, cooked and so on...

    #4: Don't count on me, I have other things to do today...*says instantly when he meets me at the door, before I could say hello...

    I have a really kind hudband, and he helps me a lot. But sometimes he has his own ways... (as we all do. ;-))

    There should be a list what a SAH mom shouldn't say to his hubby when he gets home!

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  32. Pretty perfect! Although I think one of the worst things a husband can say when he comes home... is absolutely nothing. Look around, look at his wife.. and be silent. OOoooooh, ouch!

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  33. Here's my favorite one.

    "It's easier for you to do it."

    That's what my husband says about everything. I can't even get mad any more I just marvel in his brilliance. I think that's how I ended up paying all bills and doing everything around the house/yard and also working 40+ hours a week. Its true though it definitely is easier for him if I do it. Bahahaha!

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  34. How about as he grabs the last bite of cake on your plate, you protest and he says "Well who paid for it?"

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  35. 3lilladybugsmomMay 7, 2013 at 6:16 PM

    My husband just told me that I do nothing all day, but lay around thr house. He also said i coild have planned a better dinner than leftovers. Nevermind, i have bronchitis and a 4yr old home day and then a 9 and 13yr old when tjey come home from.school!! I am so hurt right now. He is so mad at me and is cussing at me.

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  36. I work all day so i can make as much mess as i want to in the house that i pay for... Ur job is to clean it up anyway

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  37. Its my money......who do you think the pay checks are made out to? Oh and that car you drive....in my name too and if you leave you have nothing.

    Yeah im the piece I'd crap that have up everything to stay at home and raise a baby to get so I could feel like crap by knowing that I have nothing if I leave. No family no nothing to fall back on. I love being a stay at home Mom but hate when my husband gets mad about stupid things and tells me what a slob I am and how he should never have to clean. I tell him all the time how much I appreciate what he does but I couldn't tell you the last time I got a compliment including you look beautiful.

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    Replies
    1. I love compliments. I have no time for myself. Showering somehow became a luxury. When my day is so busy I just wish my husband could just give me a hug and tell me how wonderful I am like I do to him. It sets my adrenaline high. But he comes home and complains and it put me in a darkplace... :(

      Delete
  38. "It's my money" never say this to a SAHM especially a Redhead! t took my husband almost 4 years to get me to.quit my.job and be a SAHM and after a year he pulls this out.let me.say I was making just as much as him when I quit to stay. Home and home school our daughter. I do.ALL the cooking and cleaning(as I always have) I'm infuriated.

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    Replies
    1. I have the same nasty reminder thrown in my face all of the time: He makes the money, and it's his money. He also tells me that I should go out a get a job and to leave if I'm not happy. I've been out of the workforce for over 12 years caring for our 3 kids. How can I just up and leave? I really wish I could, as we argue every single day! I live abroad, and I'm in my early 40s. The job market isn't as easy to re-enter at my age. I'm also questioning my skills. I don't feel marketable anymore. I'm feeling stuck not knowing how to get out!

      Delete
  39. My husband tells me to get a job with my 3 year old son at a day care.

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  40. My husband told me to get a job at a daycare so I could watch my three-year-old son plus make money.

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  41. Mom or Dad, stay at home if you want to and you can afford to do it, btw expenses for working are quite high with young children. I stayed home despite nasty comments and an overall begrudging attitude by my kid's father and guess what? One was seriously ill and passed away. It became very apparent to me that I made the right choice. I am so glad for eveyday I spent with her. Just do it.

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