Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I'm old, but I'm certainly not an adult.

Last weekend I was at a sex conference because that's pretty much what my life has become: lots of trips to sex conferences where I learn all about how much pornography is kinda like crack (it really kind of is, folks. I've seen the brain scans. It ain't pretty) and also all about how incredibly bad I am at paying attention to long, drawn-out presentations about how much pornography is kinda like crack.

Imagine me at one of these conferences for a moment, would you? Just think of me...
the ADD star-child extraordinaire, sitting there during, say, hour six of nine. Imagine it's the second day, and I'm trying with all my might to focus on slide 79 of a powerpoint presentation about comorbidity in addictive processes. Imagine that the presenter--a man in his early 50's--has a kind, docile voice with a southern accent, soft and lulling. Imagine my eyes starting to shut--just a little. Imagine my head rocking forward with the gentle rhythm of a buoy, and then picture it snapping upright so violently it nearly knocks me out of my chair. Imagine me, desperate for relief, reaching into my bag to find my pill-bottle filled with Ritalin, only to discover that the medicine has run out.

This is what my life has become.

This is adulthood.

Adulthood is going to conferences and taking pills and Being Responsible like the big, responsible grown-up you have become. Adulthood is also deciding not to eventually just put your head down on the table to take a full-on, drool-on-your-arm nap in the middle of a conference.

And that is why I officially can't be called an adult. Because I did that last thing. Blatantly. During hour seven.

The good news was that my sister Jenni and her husband Justin (whom I was staying with) happened to be going to a The Postal Service concert the same night the conference ended, and I was able to secure a ticket mainly because TPS had planned a show earlier in SLC on their tour, but ended up canceling so that Ben Gibbard didn't diarrhea in his pants on stage. So they were back to play the show they missed. And there were still tickets. And I bought one. Online. Using Paypal. For which my password is... wait a minute. Stop trying to steal from me.

That day, I finished the conference, and then was picked up to be interviewed by Seth Adam Smith (more on that when I post the interview), and then I hopped in the car with Jenni and Justin like the big ol' third wheel I am, and off we went to Saltair.

That's Saltair in the background.
(I'm such a great photographer! This belongs in a freaking magazine.)


As we were walking around, Jenni (or was it Justin?) was like "Wow, the age demographic for Fun was so much different than the one for The Postal Service" and as I looked around, I realized what the difference was. "That's because the demographic for The Postal Service is the demographic that knows the word 'demographic.'"

I thought that was awfully clever. So I posted it on Facebook.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized what a freaking elitist it made me look like. What I meant was that since The Postal Service released its album in 2003, and it is now 2013, we were all really, really old now. It was like being at a concert with all the moms you now see with little kids in target, except the moms were dressed up like youth and trying really hard not to look awkward as they danced and bobbed and sang along. It was a little sad. One lady even brought her kids. Yeah. That really happened.

It was probably wasn't nearly as sad in the "we are old" department as the concert that Lolly went to earlier that week:

Oh oh oh oh oh. The right stuff!
(For those of you who are not old, the concert was New Kids on the Block. And Boyz 2 Men. Who were popular last century.)

I think it's pretty clear that we are officially old now. Which is different than being an adult, obviously, because I fall asleep openly in professional conferences. And also I occasionally throw temper tantrums. And I still need to be put to bed at night. (Not joking.)

Two other funny things about this concert:

I could see the stage, when it wasn't being obstructed by the guy in front of me whose hair was about ten inches high.

Photo? Sure:

Keep in mind that this camera was being held high above my head so that it could actually SEE THE STAGE over the massive WALL OF HAIR.

It took all my willpower not to use a credit card to try to shave it off.

And finally, in closing, this was the sign in the bathroom.

Yes. I'm often wont to wash my feet at concert venues. It's just this thing I do.

Side story: I really wanted a picture of that sign in the bathroom, but at about the point I went to pull out my phone to snap a shot I was like "waaaaaait a minute there cowboy, your name is Josh Weed the Gay Mormon and you are currently in a men's room. In Utah. Perhaps taking pictures in this particular spot is not the best idea??"

Thankfully, Justin the Straight Mormon was willing to do it. 

Because that's what family's for. 

23 comments:

  1. Every time you're in Utah I think "And I didn't even know?!" That's why I think we should do a Weed Reader party. Every time.

    As a side note, I'd love to hear more about the conferences you go to, from and educational stand point. What do you learn? I want to learn too. Are these LDS conferences? I feel like I've only heard about pornography and addiction from an LDS standpoint, and I'd love to hear what non-biased research (if there is such a thing) results are.

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    1. Here is some non-biased research. I find this guy very credible. I was a hard sell on this. I recommend watching the whole thing and anything else on youtube by him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99RGE4OEqlg

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    2. I would recommend checking out Fight the New Drug at fightthenewdrug.org. They are a non-religious, non-political grassroots organization that focuses on educating about the harmful effects of pornography. They have credible, scientific research on the issue. In addition, they have testimonials, videos, and talking points that work to educate using real evidence and not just moral opinion. They also have resources available for those who are struggling with pornography.

      As FTND says on their website: "We are committed to educating people about the negative effects of pornography and letting them decide their pornography involvement for themselves." I think you'll find the organization to be user-friendly and non-biased. Good luck!

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  2. Josh, your posts tend to make me do two things: #1 Laugh...and laugh and #2 Feel all warm and fuzzy inside (I checked out the link about Seth and I thought it so neat to see two inspirational people like yourselves connecting.) Thanks for brightening my life each time you post!

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  3. Hahaha, I just loved this post. Everything about it. The end.

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  4. Brilliant! Thanks for keeping us updated on the interesting times. :) Oh, and btw, it is in part to your testimony and faith that I am currently on the path back to the Church. A lot of other factor involved as well, but just wanted to say thank you. :)

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  5. Oh my and I thought by the title this was going to be a snoozer (no conference nap pun originally intended! Too funny! I also wonder how it is possible that we did not bump into each other simply by the fact that you were in my very large and densely populated (in a few cities) state. It's happened once before, why not again? :). Love the Weed Reader Party idea! Then I could actually maybe speak with you or simply listen to you sing Trololo live? I really need to speak to Lolly about her musical tastes too. It's a cryin' shame lol. I cannot imagine trying to stay awake at a sex conference for 9 hours straight. Now why does that sound off? You have just made sex seem not so fun. Pornography boo. Sexual intimacy yay! K- now I feel better...

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  6. Weed, went to a Dan Fogleberg concert in 2000. Pretty sure I was one of only a few people there under the age of 40.

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    1. I'm 29 and SUPER jealous you got to see Dan Fogelberg live! "And it's run for the roses as fast as you can..." He's amazing!

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  7. You are hilarious and sincere. I can see why Lolly married you, unicorn and all. Surprisingly, I just found your blog. As a Christian and daughter of a gay man (whom I dearly love and have a fabulous relationship with), it warms my heart to see the honesty and joy in your lives. Marriage is certainly not the answer or fix all solution for everyone, but I admire your understanding that all choices and marriages involve compromise and sacrifice and that neither of you were willing to sacrifice what is most important to you because of your mixed orientation. May the Lord continue to strengthen your friendship and the true love and intimacy you share.

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  8. Missed you, Weed! Echoing someone else, your posts really do lighten days and brighten lives. Way to be uplifting!

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  9. Sleeping in the middle of a conference is actually a defense mechanism against Death by Powerpoint. This survival instinct manifested in the human race around 1992, two years after Powerpoint invaded North America and after huge portions of the population sunk into a permanent catatonic state. Most of these comatose adults were thankfully revived in 1999 when they were jolted awake by the first airing of SpongeBob.

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  10. So glad to see you back, kid! Why do I call you kid? Because I was about the age you are now, starting to realize how OLD I was, when New Kids On The Block and Boyz 2 Men made it big. I will not comment on getting caught up in pop culture when young, (Big Donnie Osmond fan here-I am not ashamed!) but I will comment on the JOY of hearing Boyz 2 Men, because those guys could SING! Still can, probably! Rock on.

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  11. So this had nothing to do with your post, but I just made the connection that I know your brother Chris! He was my FHE brother at byu-i like 6-7 years ago! Small world! Love your blog!

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  12. I feel better now. My roommates laugh at me because if my boyfriend doesn't physically put a blanket over me and say, "Sleep. Now." I ADHD all over the floor and don't get sleep at all.

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  13. Did somebody say hour six of nine? Would that be any relation to seven of nine? (a little Bjorge Queen humor for you, Weeder.)

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  14. I just watched your episode of I Am Married to A…

    Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and lovingly without judgement. Thank you for giving hope to those who don't want to give up their dreams in order to satisfy such sexual desires, no matter how enticing it is and even enjoyable it would be. No homosexual should enter a marriage deceitfully, under coercion or with false hope of eradicating such desires, but you are proof that such a fulfilling life is possible if that is what one wants. I don't understand how people can think you are not being authentic and can't possibly be truly fulfilled. There is plenty of evidence (hurting families and broken-hearted people) which proves that even a fantastic sex life with someone you are so lustfully attracted to, doesn't always make for otherwise healthy, enjoyable, and fulfilling relationships. Since no one is capable of fulfilling all the desires of their partner, of being everything they have ever wanted or needed, there will always be trade offs of some sort. In your case, you were willing to make this trade off in favor of all the other great things you each bring to the relationship. This is really no different than someone who has been raised in luxury and could marry rich, but instead chooses to be with someone who has the time to nurture their relationship instead of using it to increase their bank balance. Or someone who chooses to marry within their faith rather than someone who does not share their faith, but does get their heart racing. It also saddens me that there are those who would use your story as a weapon against others. Thank you for calling people out on how wrong that is. It is very evident that your dreams have come true and you are not living a lie. You and Lolly are very blessed to have found one another.

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  15. There is a lot of talk about the effects of porn on those watching it...but there is another even darker side...That side is the abuse, degradation and inhumanity that porn actors/actresses are subjected to. They did not know what they would be getting into. Shelley Lubin shares the reality of porn from the perspective of a former porn star. (not for the faint-hearted) http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jRZZAuPyG7I
    https://www.shelleylubben.com/

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  16. So jealous of Lolly! I loved new kids and Jordan was my favorite too. When I want to roll my eyes at my girls and their 1D obsession, I just remember new kids and I'm much more supportive of their "habit!"

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  17. Awesome!
    These nuggets of knowledge is very interesting and funny.

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