I open the draft page almost every day, and then can't think of what to write. Then I write HUGE long posts that are really, really boring and over-the-top that I could never publish. Then I start hundreds of teeny drafts that are just... dumb.
Today I realized what the problem is. This blog has forgotten what it was. Or it maybe never really knew.
It started out in '10 as a blog about ADD. The main goal at that point was to write every single day for a month just to prove to myself that I could do something like that every day for a month. I think I achieved that goal? I can't remember now. Maybe I missed the last day or something, but I got really close at very least. And then after that, it started dying off. I had told a lot of my stories. It just didn't feel right.
Then, strangely, you get to this post, where I was somehow feeling the winds of change. I was ready to start letting my humorous side show. The thing I love about that post is that you can tell I have no idea whether I'll actually continue blogging or maybe have it crumble into nothingness. Like, I could feel some shift was happening, but I also knew that there was just as good a likelihood that I would get distracted and do something else.
And then the very next post, everything was different. It was connected to the old stuff, but the tone changed. I became more myself. Or at least the light-hearted version of myself.
Then last year happened and the blog became about gayness. And that was important. But now... I have this feeling like that the aftermath of the coming out post has petered out. It feels like something that happened in the past, as opposed to a hurricane that I am in the middle of. Things feel less urgent. The discussion has shifted. My life has shifted, normalized.
And now I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.
I don't know what this thing is supposed to be.
Ideally, it is an extension of myself and my thoughts. But there is such a mish mash in my head that I lack a clear focus. A purpose. Like, when you come to The Weed, what are you going to get? What is the endgame? What am I trying to accomplish? What governing ideas keep this thing going?
(And even right now, my brain is saying "this isn't funny. Shouldn't this be funny? You're being too serious right now. Too bland. People are falling asleep. YOU are falling asleep.")
Sometimes the voice in my head needs to shut up.
I am going to write a mission statement, and then I'm going to press publish, and then I'm going to get ready as fast as humanly possible so I'm not late to work, and I'm not going to over think this.
Mission Statement: Here at The Weed, you will see the thoughts of Josh Weed as he reflects on his day, his life, or on current events. He will try to post daily. Except when he doesn't. And he is going to try really hard to be real and be himself and not try to be anything he is not. Sometimes he is funny. Sometimes he is boring. Sometimes he is angry. And sometimes he's kinda lame.
But he is pretty real.
So, that's what you get here.
That feels nice.
(Side-note: It's funny that this post landed on being "real", because one year ago, we decided the tagline for the blog was "all kinds of real". That is serendipity and a signal that all is right in the world and angels just started singing and I can hear the Hallelujah chorus in the background right now at the sheer simplicity and majestic inevitability of that coincidence.)
I'm gonna be so real that I'm leaving that ridiculous parenthetical that the voice in my head is telling me to cut out.
You'll be hearing from me again tomorrow. Probably.
In the meantime, I'd love your thoughts: what do think of the mission statement? Also, what do you enjoy reading here at The Weed?