Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I have the luck of St. Nick. (Well, technically Lolly does.)

Not even sure what that title means exactly, but what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm really, really good at getting the best, most awkward white elephant gifts at this annual Christmas party we go to every year. It's like an art-form. An art-form made of luck and other people's ingenuity and packages of random junk.

So, here's the run down:

In 2011, my blog was young, fresh and new. I had just started writing humor posts and I knew that one way people try to garner attention for their blogs is with giveaways. Some people suggested I do one, but I was really resistant to doing a giveaway because LAME and srslywhocares? and like that's what people go to blogs for, amiright? It just didn't feel good to me. It felt inauthentic to be like "My blog is a humor blog filled with humor posts. And you know what that means... time for a self-promotional giveaway!!!"

But then a something happened. I went to the annual Christmas party we go to every year with tons of our good friends, and that year I got perhaps the most awkward white elephant gift every received by a closeted gay man in the history of Yuletide:

Yes, this is a vibrator called "The Little Thumper." And yes, I got it for Christmas. 

We had a special relationship. A special relationship that involved it never being removed from its packaging.

It was at this moment that I knew. I knew the time had come. It was time to do a Giveaway, The Weed style.

So, I did. And it was glorious.

Then, the next  year at this same party, I got another amazing gift for a gay man.

Anyone remember?

 A Santa thong! Of course.

It's not Christmas until there is a G-string dangling from your tree.

I thought my luck had probably run out at this point, but then only a few months after our Club Unicorn post, guess what gift we randomly selected at this same party?

Unicorn Meat for a Unicorn.

So after such an amazing streak of incredible gifts, this year I went to the party with low, low expectations. After all, how can you top a vibrator, followed by a Santa banana-hammock, followed by Unicorn Meat? You can't.

Or so I thought.

There we were, number 15 (of about 4 million) on the list of gift-pickers, nervously waiting to see what horrible, boring piece of garbage we would be forced to regift next year. When our turn finally arrived, I looked at Lolly. "You're the one with luck," I said. And I meant it. I knew if we had any chance at all at a decent gift this year, Lolly would be the one to sniff it out from the pile of nicely wrapped utter crap in front of us. 

She went over to the pile and raised her hand, feeling the ora of each gift, lifting one for weight, cocking her head to the side as she contemplated... is this our gift? Is this the piece of trash that we are destined to own?

And then she chose.

Here is what this gift contained. It was a sequence of items that got better and better:

Okay. Innocuous enough. Thanks for making us smell nice.

Okay. Now this is getting interesting.

Is this about what I think this is about???

It totally is!!!! 

And then, the piece de resistance:

I never knew a white elephant gift could be this perfect. 

Short of throwing actual ganja into a cheery, holiday bag and labeling it a "green" elephant gift, this is about as awesome a gift as you could get for a guy whose blind eye is never not dilated and whose last name is actually Weed.

My Holiday Drug Paraphernalia wishes you a very merry Christmas!!! 


  1. That's awesome! It's so great you and your family have such a great sense of humor.

  2. You might think that Santa thong is tasteless but it pales in comparison with a friend of mine. He has cut out lots of little cardboard Miley Cyruses to turn all his Christmas baubles into wrecking balls. He is, incidentally, the only person I know to possess a mankini (which, of course, he owns with irony).

  3. A woman in her first trimester of pregnancy should probably never laugh as hard as I just did.
    I think the fetus is okay, though.

  4. Man!!! How do I get an invite to this party?????? All I ever draw is burnt cookies.

  5. What do I need to do to win this year's giveaway?

  6. Why didn't Lolly open that Little Thumper??!!! You can share your white elephant gifts with your spouse. It doesn't break any rules!


  7. Clearly, the caption should have said "Unicorn meets unicorn meat."

  8. Maybe you need to find a different Christmas party at which to exchange gifts!

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. AuntSue
    The worst gift we ever got at one of those parties were the worn out broken innards of toilet mechanism. Not even funny.

  11. That was such a great recap of White Eleohant gifts past and present that all cracked me up! I almost forgot your last name was Weed there for a second but NOT NO MORE! (Read in high Hillbilly accent)

  12. I keep forgetting to thank you (sarcastic) for all the recommended Pot/Hashish/Weed videos I get from You Tube simply because I have watched some of you and Lolly's interviews there. Oh my gorsh.

  13. That's hysterical. You do have a special kind of luck.

  14. this post made my day - thank you!

  15. I've never gotten anything quite that exciting at a White Elephant exchange, but I did once buy 2 live goldfish to give as a gift at one. Except oops, they both died within a couple of hours of purchase...

  16. I've never gotten anything quite that exciting at a white elephant party, but I did once buy a couple of live goldfish to bring as a gift to one. Except oops, they both died within a few hours of purchase...

  17. I know a guy. Well, okay, it's my mom's neighbor & it's actually a giant semilegal marijuana farm.

  18. That is awesome!! Great way to start my Christmas!!