Tuesday, October 6, 2015

This is a post I wrote in the middle of the night.

And then I woke up and read it and it amused me. So here you go!

So, I haven't posted for four months, and I just got word that my advertisers are like "listen, we're good." And I was like like "what do you mean?" and they were like "can we just be friends? You know, friends who don't advertise on your blog anymore because you don't post?" And I was like "but I'll miss you and the $30 a month you send me for doing absolutely nothing. Can't we reconsider?" And they were like "Uh, we'll pass." And I was like "I'll throw in one blog post a month..." and they were like "tempting, but we're gonna go with bloggers that don't suck at blogging." And I was like "Are you sure though?" and they were like "yeah" and I was like "FINE" and they were like "stop emailing us pictures of your children. We aren't friends anymore," and I was like "do you want a sexy pic?" and they were like "we're calling the police" and I was like "JUST KIDDING. Can't you take a joke? Don't you know about sarcasm? Also, don't click on the jpg I just sent." And they were like "Wow. Why did you send us a picture of a deflated party balloon?" and I was like "RUDE. I had just gone on a run."

30% of that conversation didn't really happen.

ANYWHO. I'm flying solo is what I'm saying. 

Hey, unrelated, anyone interested in advertising on a blog where nobody posts? 

So listen.

You know how Facebook does that thing where you get a list of posts for like the last eight years that you can "time-hop" to because they want you to feel all nostalgic and also old and also sad that your kids are growing up and also really glad you have other people named Whitney Shafer shop for you now so you don't look like an idiot? Turns out that because I used to post here a lot and then link to Facebook, I've been reading a lot of my old humor posts, and do you know what? That was freaking fun. 

I like to have fun.

So, here's the set up. I have thousands of readers who (in my head) want to read posts about how gay I am and stuff. But all I want to do is make inappropriate jokes and be silly and say occasional swear words and I'm like WHERE'S THE MIDDLE GROUND???

It's like when you are stuck in a job as a telemarketer and all you really want to be doing is being booed off the stage of a local nightclub that has an open mic night for comedians. 

No, that's not it.

It's like when you are in church and all you want to be doing is not being in church.

Wait, no. Not that either.

I don't really know how to explain this. Other than to say that tonight, in the middle of the night, I have felt the urge to write a humor post again. And it has felt really good and fun. And a lot of the real stuff that's happening in my life is so traumatic and hard and inexplicable that I just can't talk about it. And also it's somber and sad, and officially not good or fun.

So, in closing, the three of you who have read this are now on notice: The Weed is back. And he's not getting paid. And he's tired of not swearing. And he's also tired of being serious all the damn time. And he's also tired of writing this mediocre post. And he has some hope that as he does this more, it will get easier again. But he also fears that this might be the last thing he ever writes on this blog, too. Because that's how his brain works: each step forward feels like the beginning of something awesome, or the last step off the cliff. And it's hard to tell which. 

Also, he needs to go to bed because he's too tired to think straight. (Which is why he's gay. Ba dum CHING. See that? Tied it into the gay stuff like a champion. Looks like I just found the middle ground. I am ridiculous and nobody should be my friend ever really good at this blogging thing!)

Good night. 

Oh wait, first, a random picture for your enjoyment:

Date Night! 

(PS, I REALLY REALLY wanted to post a picture of a deflated heart-shaped balloon I found on the World Wide Web because in the context of this post it might actually be one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen--but I decided against it because in the daylight hours, I make proper decisions. #winningatlife)



61 comments:

  1. Hooray, great to see you blogging again Josh - keep em coming! Hilarious as always!
    Joanne
    Your (only?) Aussie reader x

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  2. yay for funny posts! The world needs more humor anyway.

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  3. Oh, man, I missed your blog. Well, you writing on your blog. Tell us more!

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  4. I'll admit that I found all of your serious gay posts really interesting and educational, but it was your humorous posts that made me a loyal reader who is still here four months after your last post, and I have missed them oh so very much! Yay for finding the middle ground! It's good to hear from you again.

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  5. I say bring on the humor. There's too much serious crap in this world and we can all use a laugh. Btw thanks for the laugh. Certainly made my day better...

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  6. Looks like at least six of us read this post!

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  7. I liked reading your more serious posts, but I really missed the funner, more light hearted posts. I am glad to see the humor back!

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  9. Yay, you're back! :)

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  10. Excuse me! I thought I was going to be one of the only three people left reading - and there were already 9 commenters before me. I don't know. Here I was going to be in an exclusive club. Sigh.

    Listen, dear (I'm older than you, I can say that) - the sad or wonderful truth is that I really don't care what you write - sad, serious, heavy, light, funny... well, I don't like swear words so much, but I know some people (strangely, many male) sometimes just HAVE to... but otherwise - it just doesn't matter. It isn't how polished or how anything it is, it's just hearing your voice, knowing you're out there. And it was really, nice to see your name pop up in my inbox again. Welcome back!

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  11. Yay for humor! Boo for feeling like you can only write about being gay and stuff. Sorry to hear about the hard things. I pray that Jesus would bless your heart and soul with peaceful moments so you can write more funny posts to entertain me.

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  12. Missed your humor, though I have to say I'm not a fan of bad language. You need to do what is good for you and your family. Looking forward to some laughs in the future.

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  13. This was fun to read Josh! #winningatlife
    #canwhitneyshopformetoo

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  14. Ummmmmmmm. I'm a telemarketer who got booed off the stage last night during open mic night at a a comedy club. And I'm offended by this post. And I think you need to do a serious post now about apologizing to me because you mocked my profession. And my humor. And you're gay.

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  15. Great to hear from you again. I'm with Judith--I enjoy reading your posts no matter what they're about.

    Hope you write again soon. Or not. Whichever works for you. :)

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  16. The world was not the same without your free, funny, gay writing. Glad to see you back :).

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  17. The world was not the same without your free, funny, gay writing. Glad to see you back :).

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  18. Yayyyy! I agree with everyone. Doesn't matter what you're writing about. Will happily read it all!

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  19. Your 3 people has now dramatically risen to 17! (And I am including myself, cuz... duh).

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    1. 20 now. Dang people commenting and reading.

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  20. So, here's the thing. We read your blog because we love you. You are awesome. We don't read because we love the gay part of you, or the funny part of you, or the *whatever* part of you. So, just write. Don't worry about our response. If you don't do it for you, there's no reason to do it (although, if that last comment made you decide to stop blogging, I take it back). Glad you are back.

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  21. I'm with Lizardofoz. Write whatever YOU want. :)

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  22. I'm with Lizardofoz. Write whatever YOU want. :)

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  23. I agree! I enjoy your funny posts the most, the serious every now and again are ok but it is the lighthearted, learn to laugh at life scenarios that make my day so much better. Sorry about the hard stuff, but just a tip from my own life... The hard stuff isn't funny when you are going through it but after the fact if you can turn it around a little, there is always humor, sometimes unbelievable but that's usually the best kind, because it is actually relatable it a weird and strange way, especially since we all have hard things we don't want to talk about. Best of luck and glad to see you back!

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  24. I've seriously missed your posts. And I nearly died laughing at this one. I am excited for you to use all the swears! It makes me happy that I'm not the only one to use the swears ;)

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  25. I'm glad you are sharing again! I enjoy reading your fun, witty sense of humor.

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  26. I'm glad you are sharing again! I enjoy reading your fun, witty sense of humor.

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  27. Thank you. I wouldn't want to write about the serious stuff in my life either -- certainly not all the time. Write for enjoyment -- do what you like ;)

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  28. SO I guess I'm like #30 of your 3 (ha!) readers?!? Something like that, Im too lazy to count! You have definitely been missed - serious, FUNNY, cynical, swear words and all! I hope you keep it up because I'm most likely a better person for reading and understanding your perspective.... and have REALLY loved the humor! Whatever you're dealing with.... may the load not be so heavy that you can't set it aside to play, to recharge and then have renewed strength and insight to kick its ass to the curb! If it weren't for the rain...

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  29. We will take as much Weed as we can get... oh wait, that didn't sound right, but you know what I mean... bring on the blog... bring on the noise... bring on the deflated balloon pics!

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  30. I'm not even gonna try to count where I am on the hallowed list of 3 readers. Glad to see you're back. I kept thinking I was missing your blog posts, but then I didn't see any linking from you on Facebook...and I promptly forgot what I was thinking.

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  31. I don't think I have ever read any funny weed. I came in during the serious stuff. Looking forward to the light hearted, fun stuff. Keep it up, josh!

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  32. No one can be ALL funny or ALL serious. Just be human, it will make the rest of us feel better about our own human... ness.

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  33. You're a light in the darkness......a funny --"you can do itt", "look where I've come from" and "look where I'm going" light to the world. Thank you for sharing your wit and your soul.

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  34. I miss your humor and posts and photos.

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  35. I, too, thought that I had somehow dropped off your list because I hadn't seen you in my inbox for a while. I've even gone to your website four or five times in the past few months to see what I had missed. I'm glad you're back. (Would it be bad to say that I'm glad you're back before the holidays because the puke fest holiday blog was the funniest thing I've ever read, and even though I'd never wish


    that experience on anyone, I secretly hope there is another equally humerous experience in store this year?)
    I love your blog because you're funny, and wise, and human. You have trials you aren't afraid to talk about. And because you have all those cute girls. SO many cute girls! Keep sharing. We can all learn something from you.
    And congrats on that sweet little baby!

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  36. My brain do so not work the same way as your do, so now I'm totally confused, but I read to the very end because I like you... I don't mind being confused again. I really hope we will get to hear from you every now and then, you know, the dogs gladly enjoys whatever falls from the masters table. :)

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  37. This is the best thing to happen all day. And I'm eating cafe Rio right now. So that should give you an idea of your ranking.

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  38. Ya! So glad you're back! I've gotten a break up letter like that too, although it was less a letter and more of a 'the $7/month for the post about a dozen ways to use a pizza cutter you wrote once isn't really worth it anymore, mmmkay?' I seriously snorted when I read this post. Glad you're here, writing, not writing, making jokes, not joking, or if it's your wife at the computer. We sorry if like you guys. Keep being here.

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  40. Glad you're back. I really have missed your posts. And I love to laugh...so if you want to be silly & funny...have at it...Because you're good at it!!! 8o) - Reader #54 (?) of 3

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  41. Yeah, I was like The Weed is back? Hooyeah, it's gonna be a good Wednesday.

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  42. Keep your chin up, Josh. And may your life be ever friendiful.

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  43. Welcome back. This is a happy day, indeed. (No pressure.) : )

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  44. Ditto everyone...except for Ben Shafer :) Just love to read whatever you have to say. :) Good luck with all the traumatic, awful things going on. Just said a prayer for you! Just know there are a bunch of us rooting for you!

    Anne

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  45. Aw man, I just posted a very not-witty response, and I don't think it posted! Sorry everyone if it ends up here twice. :P

    Weed, I'm so sorry you're having crappy ("sucky"?) stuff in your life. (See, I can kinda swear too! Now I'm wondering if the site will censor it...) I hope positive posts from brainless strangers help you feel better -- as one, I don't know what else I can do to help you. :( Electronic hugs! () () () <3

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  46. I love reading anything you write! Thanks for sharing yourself with us. :)

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  47. Dude, you write well. You have a knack for drawing people in and telling stories in a way that people can both relate to and be entertained by. Enjoy and use your gift! I'm glad I get to partake when you choose to share it.

    Sometimes the Swears just have to get out. Let 'em out.

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  48. Yess! Super psyched for new posts and occasional swear words! \o/

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  49. Anonymous as usual....can't remember my passwords to anything to jump in proper...
    I caught your last blog (after this one) on FB. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised, touched, and amused in varying order. I admire your wit and candor, an unorthodox mix of awesomeness. It might take a minute, but you definitely have a new follower.
    Looking forward to the new fortune cookies in my www diet :9 peace & love, erintr3 Stockton, cali

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  50. Anonymous as usual....can't remember my passwords to anything to jump in proper...
    I caught your last blog (after this one) on FB. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised, touched, and amused in varying order. I admire your wit and candor, an unorthodox mix of awesomeness. It might take a minute, but you definitely have a new follower.
    Looking forward to the new fortune cookies in my www diet :9 peace & love, erintr3 Stockton, cali

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  51. Proud to be one of your three readers. Bring on the fun posts, we all need more humor in our lives.

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  52. I'm not sure if my comment just posted or not, so here it goes again. I really liked this (and every) post. Not just because i learn so much from reading about your more serious experiences, but also because you're a cool person and you make me laugh. So I'm a reader for life.

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  53. I'm not sure my advertisers even know I still exist, plus I have about 100 readers on a good day, so... I kind of feel your pain. Always happy to see you pop up in my sidebar, even if it has been a long time.

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  54. YAH!!!! Please post things that make you smile and be silly. You'll make others smile and be silly too!

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